How to get desire to have self control?

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My husband is an aspie and is having meltdowns on and off that are mostly triggered by imperfection of people he must deal with. He becomes frustrated over unjust treatment and his frustration escalates into a meltdown if the person he is dealing with remains narrowminded and stubborn (for some weird reason he attracts that kind of people). The issue is not with me dealing with the meltdowns - I have an advantage - I love him. Problem is with other people. Especially people at official places like offices, banks, church, etc. He has been banned from a church property for a year because of a meltdown, he has been in jail for a day because of a neighbor issue, he has been reported to the child protection services (a form of revenge of his own ant), he got beaten and had to be operated on and yesterday our bank account was forcefully closed because of a mild meltdown he had couple days ago because of a rude teller. These are just examples of the serious issues we had (not mentioning my mom who does not want to really visit us when my husband is home) and there is many of the "small" ones in public places etc.

My husband does not admit that he must do something about that. I can witness that most of these people were very stupid, but it does not change the fact that his meltdowns are hurting me and my son as well. I am worried about our future when our son goes to school and have friends. I feel very insecure whenever we have to deal with some official people and yes, I am worried about people gossiping for our sons sake. I completely understands that I cannot blame him for the expressions of anger and frustration, but I think that their management is crucial for the family. He claims that all of those people deserved such treatment and they cannot expect anything else when themselves are looking down at him.

How can I help my husband to understand the importance of the anger management, when at this moment he would rather go to jail than he would go against himself? He is under 25, so maybe will time and further negative experiences help him to understand that he should be interested in some therapy or anything that could help him to self control?

Last edited by raven81 on 24 Feb 2010, 2:07 am, edited 2 times in total.

It sounds like you are an enabler. By saying things like "They deserved it" "They were stupid" you are sending the wrong message to your husband. You're telling him that the other people had it coming and how can anyone blame him for losing his temper.

What your husband is doing is unacceptable and completely out of line. He is going to end up unemployed, seriously hurt or in prison. If he can't see that, you have an obligation, a duty, as a parent, to protect your son from this extremely harmful behavior. I'm not saying that he would ever raise a finger to you or your son (but who knows with a temper like he has) but that your son will grow up with without a father because of his behavior. That, and your son may think it's OK to kick, scream, act like an as*hole and fight if he ever has a problem in life. And make no mistake. Your husband is acting like a f'n jerk.

The world is full of idiots and injustices. That's life. He has to either accept it and learn how to deal with it or move off into the woods in a cabin by himself like the unibomber, which is just about where it sounds like he's headed.

I just read this illuminating article from the New Yorker. It has me thinking a different way about how to manage "hot" emotions. A landmark 1960s experiment sheds some light as to why certain people can delay pleasure for greater rewards and why others can't and, as the researchers unintentionally found out, the much deeper implications and applications of these findings for years to come.

This might be insightful for you and your partner as well. It might not address your problem directly but it does address the common folly of confusing one's emotions for one's self and a possible remedy for it.

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2009 ... act_lehrer

Tell him to grow up and start acting like an adult. He's setting a horrible example for his son and you are sending out the message that this is acceptable behaviour.

As Granatelli says, the world is full of idiots, so he's going to have to learn to live with it and rise above it. Sit him down and tell him you will not stand for these temper tantrums any longer and he will have to deal with it, either in therapy or on his own.

That's pretty much it. The first step in getting him to want to control himself is for you to stop acting like the other people had it coming. They didn't deserve whatever outburst your husband subjected them to. No matter how "stupid" you and he may think they are, they didn't deserve whatever he did to them. He won't accept this until you accept it. So stop acting like this would all be ok if only it wasn't for what it is inevitably doing to your son. If he was all by himself and had no family it still wouldn't be ok.

Lashing out in fury at people who annoy you is NOT OK! You have to believe this before you can get him to believe it.

Your husband's reactions are definitely inappropriate and harmful to all involved. I used to get into shutdown mode whenever someone was abusive or rude to me, until I was taught there are civilised ways to deal with it - standing your ground and explaining your position in a calm and measured way, filing a complaint, asking politely to talk to the manager etc. He might find for himself such actions are much more effective than violence, without having the feeling he allows others to get away with a rude or abusive attitude.