Okay, I'm kind of back, and feel like dispensing advice

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I believe it has been a while since I have posted here, some of you might remember me. I've been in a period of some transition in my life and since then I've probably changed a bit and I am not quite the same as I was. I still won't have time to post much for now.

I'm not sure whether I am more or less crazy than I was, or whether you all will like the change or if I should apologize for it. Or have I even changed? But enough about me.

Dear Aspies,

Something I have overheard every now then is a person who says that they like someone who 'speaks their mind.' It has taken me quite some time and experience to realize that when people say this it doesn't mean what you may think.

Saying: "I like people who speak their minds."
Translation: "I like people who speak their minds depending on what is on their mind. If said person has any thoughts that I think are offensive, excessively gross or crude, emo, ill thought out before said, about a subject I find boring, or if it's something I just don't feel like hearing. Sometimes I might appreciate an occasional snarky comment or some minimal criticism of myself if I feel like it but there is no way that I actually would like it if most people actually spoke what was on their mind."

This is the way NTs, if you believe there really is such a thing, communicate. They say very few actual words, even though it seems like they blabber all of the time, compared to the amount they are actually communicating. On top of that, what they physically say with their eating holes may not match much of what they actually mean through their full communication. The way NTs nonverbally communicate is somewhat like a cross between the way some kind of extraterrestrial creature from a science fiction movie would elegantly communicate psychically without words and the way a non human primate with a brain addled from too much contact with his own waste matter that he enjoys flinging at other primates would communicate in what would seem at times to be a somewhat nonsensical manner. It can be frustrating to learn if that is not your natural way, but the way NTs communicate is fascinating and I recommend making some attempts.

If you already knew this, then good for you, but I am freshly out of medals or cookies to give you. It took a long time for me to realize it and it may be news to other aspies as well. It's not like you have to care that they don't actually like that you speak your mind.

Yours truly,

GOF

I think that I remember you. I'm not sure if you remember me but oh well.

This reminds me of something else that someone said on here in the "Just be youself" thread. People always say that they like people who speak their mind and have their own opinions, but what that really translates into is..."Just be yourself, as long as you be yourself my way".

Everyone likes to think that they are honest and accepting but in reality, I think that if everyone spoke their minds it would cause a world wide riot.

You might be about the same age as me. We generally become less tolerant of them when we get older.

NT blabbering is annoying. I have had a blabberer working next door to me all week. Every time I go out of my back door he blabbers to me or my wife. He is an ex Salesman and has a compulsion to talk. He is trying to sell us the idea of a new kitchen by trying to make is feel socially inadequate that we have one we have made ourselves and this is not quite right in NT world. He tried to legitimate this idea by explaining his wife wanted a new kitchen and borrowed ten thousand pounds to do so.

When I was younger I would have been afraid of him and taken his seemingly marvelous explanation of social exclusion being a result of our idiosyncratic food preparation area.
I told him I do not borrow money for things I neither want nor need and I think people who do are stupid. I have an old car and really love it , I do not need a new one. I pay all my bills up front. I made my kitchen out of recycled materials and it cost me nothing.

The next time he tried to get me to say bad things about my neighbors. I told him I had really nice neighbors and I was lucky.

He has stopped blabbering and now probably hates me. I neither know nor care what his emotional state is.

Roll on Evolution Day.

GOF! You're back, that's awesome!

I totally understand the whole NT 'speak your mind' thing. Mum explained it to me one day. She straddles an odd line between NT and Aspie. Good to have around though, that's for sure.

And Goat, you've always been full of pearls of wisdom. Don't sell yourself short.

People say that to me then tell me off for having a Tourette outburst! That's part of me!

I don't think *anyone* wants to hear the brutal truth 24/7-- ASD, NT, or anything else. I do believe most people want everyone to "be themselves," because then they can judge if it is someone they want in their life or not, not because they think they can or are willing to accept anything and everything.

I am NT, but don't have much of a "filter" between brain and mouth. It has led to people either really liking and respecting me or wanting nothing to do with me. Either is OK by me I do, however, try not to say offensive things (not always successful) because what right do I have to state my opinion that hurts someone else? Because *I* want to? That's just as bad as being judgmental, as far as I am concerned.

This is a very good lesson to learn and one I had drilled into me at a young age. Unfortunately, I have taken it to the extreme where I am worried to say anything even remotely negative to people in case they get upset at me. However, when I feel strong emotions about a person or situation, my self-control goes out the window and I become as subtle as a stream train and say exactly what is on my mind. This has gotten me into trouble a couple of times at work, but really, it's not my fault that there is a certain person who is totally incompetent and her incompetence creates lots of problems for me. I should be able to point that out and not be told that it is unprofessional.

Sometimes people don't mind negative thoughts, especially if it's about something or someone they don't like. What someone doesn't actually want to hear depends on the person, that's what makes it so hard, and sometimes it's hard to control.

I remember you, for the record I have a pretty good memory.

And yes. That is also how 'be yourself' works. I have noticed that most people seem to think that they can tell when someone else is 'being themselves.' The key to it is to convince the other person that you are 'being yourself' even if you are really not. I'm still not quite sure what 'being yourself' really is, but as far as I can tell 'being yourself' consists of acting like you are comfortable in the situation which can be difficult and developing a couple of harmless seeming idiosyncrasies that other people can use to identify you as you and play them up a bit.



23 human years in my current corporeal form. I think I am pretty tolerant of them when I'm just watching them. People watching can be fun. Sometimes I feel like I'm Jane Goodall watching chimpanzees. It's a pretty good attitude to take when trying to learn their ways.



Thank you. Although I'm not OysterOnFire so I'm not sure that they should be called pearls of wisdom.



24/7 would take superhuman stamina. Humans need sleep. What would you say constitutes "being yourself"? Is it a set of behaviors like seeming comfortable about the situation or something more abstract?

You have a good attitude, your mind sounds like it has less objectionable things on it than mine which is why you may be able to get away with it to a point.

Like they say, sincerity is everything; once you can fake that, you've got it made.

I guess my point was that just because something is on your mind, doesn't mean it has to come out. You can still be yourself. You don't have to agree-- and you can even disagree. I just don't think that everyone needs to say everything they think in order to be considered "being themselves."

If someone is uncomfortable with a situation, I would gather MOST people would want to know that person is uncomfortable. So in general, I do believe that most people do want people to be themselves. They may not agree with it. They may not want to be friends, acquaintances or anything even close, but I don't know anyone who wants to be around phony people (though I know many who act phony).

I also think that NTs are judged somewhat harshly on here. Just as people on the spectrum think we do things strangely, sometimes NTs don't know how to react. We would like to have compassion, but also sometimes don't know how.