Self-improvement outpacing growth in confidence

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The thread title means just that. It's when you, through active self-teaching and/or trial-and-error, learned to pass as NT quite well. To the point of being held in high regard among new friends (existing friends may still harbor old views of you, even if they treat you well), flirt well enough to get phone numbers and dates, be left alone by tough youths in the street, react "correctly" to crazy people on the train, come up with genuinely funny statements on the fly, develop a respected "personal brand" in your social circle, etc. Any social difficulties and/or bullying you used to experience are now a little more than unpleasant memories.

But even with the great strides you made, deep down inside, you can't help feeling like it "wasn't supposed to happen". Instead, you almost feel like you still "should be" getting harassed on the streets, having garbage thrown at you from passing cars, etc. And when it comes to groups/friends, you feel like you "should be" politely tolerated at best, and constantly ripped on at worst. (Getting ripped on is nowhere near the same as overtly playful banter, when it's clear beyond clear that it's just play.)

This phenomenon is unlikely to happen to aspies under 24, who may still have bullying memories fresh on their minds and/or may still be learning social skills. Which take a lot of time it takes to acquire intellectually, as opposed to "just absorbing them", as NTs do. But it can technically happen to just about anyone, any age, who engaged in long-term self-improvement. Either way, it can cause a cognitive dissonance or a disconnect, between what's actually happening as a result of your efforts, and what you think is "supposed to" happen to you.

Fellow aspies, how do you deal with the mental disconnect? Specifically when your self-improvement outpaces the growth of your confidence level?

I am not autistic, but I have studied many types of passing a great deal.

I believe one has to build up a tolerance to passing. If you imagine that you were learning to deep sea dive, you couldn't do it all the time all at once. You'd just have to do it slowly, more and more. And even when you were great at it you couldn't live down there.

And keep in mind that what you are doing is not natural, so it's not supposed to feel comfortable. You will get used to it and it will become MORE comfortable, so you don't have to think about it much, but it will never be natural.

People who spend a significant portion of their lives passing (not saying you would, but just as an example), have to balance that by having a part of their lives where they can be fully themselves. So maybe they go home and don't do any passing in their homes, and/or a few people they talk to frequently know them as their true selves.

At 52, I feel two ways about it. In one way, I knew I should have accomplished certain milestones long before I did. Part of me, however, is of the same mind as the OP. I never thought I would have friends and thought that I'd never be anything more than that "funny, weird little girl." I still don't know if I will ever meet a nice man, date or marry. I feel as though the window of time has closed for me on that one.

I've reached many milestones late, too. I didn't get my drivers license until I was 37, for example.

But I don't really care---because I reached these milestones eventually.

There's a side of me which thinks that reaching milestones late has prolonged my life. I actually see people who "mature" fast die younger than "late-blooming" people.

I'm 56 years old; I definitely don't seem 56 to most people; to some, I still seem like a kid LOL.

What makes me really depressed when reading this thread is that my quest for self improvement has stalled due to a stupid mistake I made. I'm in the process of getting it resolved, however.