Desperate for communication advice

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I am in an unusual circumstance, and could really use some advice. A year ago I began managing a band that several of my friends were playing in. We recently had to replace our drummer, so the keyboard player's younger brother auditioned. He is 19 and amazing, a truly brilliant drummer, so we offered him the spot in the band. Over the last few months he has become one of the group in his own unique way (has Aspergers, ADHD, and Tourettes), and we all care about him a lot and appreciate what he brings to the table musically. The six of us are like a family. Half of us live together, and we all see each other every day because we are so busy with rehearsals, photo and video shoots, several shows each week, recording an album, etc.

My job in this situation is communication and organization. I handle all phone calls, emails, deal with the press, book shows, organize communication between band members, and also mediate band conflicts. Here's what I need advice on:

No matter what I try, I can not successfully communicate with our drummer, because even though I know he is highly intelligent, he just will not pay attention. Last night I asked him a question three times and he responded "I'm sorry I just don't hear or remember things that don't interest me." It is becoming a huge problem with the group. He is such a perfectionist that a few simple mistakes in practice will cause him to go into a cursing tantrum, yelling that he is a terrible drummer and he should just quit the band and let us find someone who is actually good. We don't WANT anyone else. We care about HIM, and he is a phenomenal drummer. He is funny. He is enthusiastic. He has so many positive qualities, and when we try to tell him this he says we're lying to make him feel better.

I have been able to get him to remember tasks by leaving notes everywhere; in his car, in his apartment, in the room where the band practices.... We have this odd "scavenger hunt" sort of arrangement where I know he will remember things if I just leave enough clues for him to find. But somehow this doesn't work when it comes to important issues like trying to tell him we like him and we care about what he has to say and that as a musician he is FAR better than he seems to think he is. He spends all the rest of his time outside of the band playing video games and watching movies/TV/youtube, so since he obsesses over videos I even asked my video editors to help me make some interesting videos to communicate with him. It's like he has just made up his mind already and no effort on my part will express to him that we think he is a valuable person and a talented musician. It's just a vicious cycle of him making simple, easily righted mistakes, getting outrageously frustrated and then raging that he is going to quit because he sucks. I have literally been brought to tears by this and I am out of ideas on how to resolve this situation.

Is there ANYTHING else I can do/try/learn? Does anyone have any advice or experiences to share that might help me figure out what I am doing wrong?

I do not think this is purely an AS problem, and can only offer suggestions as to what might be happening and how to address it.

His reaction to his mistakes...

He might have a low self image and be frustrated with himself. When a lot of people put themselves down, they are doing so to acknowledge to others they have a short coming, and are soliciting either reassurance otherwise, or forgiveness. However it might be that he is not trying to solicit anything, and that he simply has standards for himself that are too high.

You might first try to address this by doing a "group therapy" type session where other band members talk about their own insecurities with their performance and so on, and their own struggles. This might make him relax more.

You might also explicitly point out that other band members mess up as well, and when one of them does, I'd ask him what he thinks that indicates about the band member's skill level, and what should be done about it. Should they be kicked out of the band or was it understandable that they messed up because no one is perfect? That might get him to reanalyze his own standards on this issue.

Another option is, some people are passive aggressive (though I would be careful of assuming this of him because people with AS can come off as passive aggressive when they are not intending to be) and fish for compliments as a way to harness emotional control over others.

Concerning his memory, though people with AS tend to have high verbal IQ's, that does not mean they are good verbal learners. I would continue to communicate important things to him primarily with notes, or through some reliable text based communication channel.

I would only ask that he remember things pertinent to his role as a drummer, such as when practice is, and dates you guys have to meet.

He probably also has organizational issues. I would not try to be a parent about it and "teach" him how to better organize things, because that's almost always perceived as demeaning, and disempowers an individual.

You just need to present the things you want him to remember such that they are at the front of his mind, and give him the sense that you know he can do it and that he is his own boss about it.

For example, instead of saying, "We have band practice at 5 o clock (head down, eyes up, point finger) be *sure* to be there ok? Don't forget (wag finger)"

You can say

"So we're meeting for band practice at 5 o clock (wide eyes, show five fingers), you are going to be there right?"

IN the first scenario, you might incite within him feelings of resentment and low self worth, which he will want to forget. In the second scenario, you are treating him more of an equal, and you are ask him a question which he has to think about, and answer.

You can follow up with a text or something like that.

When someone starts running themselves down when I have given them a compliment, it annoys me because I feel they are fishing for more compliments. So I generally will agree with them... something like "Yeah, now that you mention it, you really do kind of suck."

I find this stops them in their tracks real fast and after a while, they will stop that behavior.

I think it is important to not indulge his bad behavior. If he doesn't listen, let him suffer the consequences. If he really cares about the band, he will eventually shape up. If he doesn't, no matter how good a drummer he is, you will be better off with someone who takes responsibility for his actions.

A part of your drummer's issues might also be that he is worried that he is only welcome in the band because of his talent and that the rest of you put up with his personality because you want him to play for you. (From your post I don't get the impression that this is the case, but a person with low self-esteem might feel this way.)

Have you only given him drum-related tasks in the past? If so he might see his concerns verified and then his mistakes might make him fear that you will boot him out because he's not up to your standards anymore. Then in turn he might try to forestall this with his tantrums. (I know this sounds a bit weird, but sometimes people think along those lines.)

If you think he is worried about his possibly exclusive drummer-status in the band, you might try to give him some additional tasks that have nothing to do with drumming and that you know he can do, like taking care that everyone has enough to drink during practices or copying notes or similar things. The new tasks should be related to the band and have some significance to them. Making up tasks that do not really need to be done might actually do more harm than good here.

Another helpful thing might be to invite him along to non-band activities like going to the cinema together, even if you are certain in advance that he will decline. But just being asked to join the rest of you in that kind of activities might do his self-esteem some good.

Regarding memory, one thing that happens for me (and is true of far more things than memory), is this distinction between deliberate memory and triggered memory.

I can not remember a thing just because I want to remember a thing. Or just because someone asks me to. I score extremely low on standardized tests of memory because of this (extremely low as in would be in the MR range if it were an IQ test).

The only way I can remember something is if something happens to trigger the memory. And then my memory is excellent.

The same is true for me not just with memory but also movement, thought, language, etc.

Anyway, very few people understand this voluntary vs. triggered distinction with memory or anything else. They're likely to be told "You only remember things when you want to" or "You only remember what you're interested in". I mean he may be telling the truth, but he may also just be repeating something he's been told so often that he's come to believe it and not question it.

(Similar to how, because of my movement disorder, I once started running around and couldn't stop, and someone asked me why I was doing it and I said "I just want attention." Obviously that wasn't true (and I hated that kind of attention), but I'd heard it so much to explain anything that I couldn't understand why I was doing it, so I just applied it in that situation.)

I'm not sure that you're doing anything wrong. In my own experience (and I've seen posts by many others on this site which suggest I am not alone), simply growing up in a world full of NTs exerts such pressure, creates feelings - often unintentionally - of "you are wrong and we are all right", that I think there are a fair number of us who just have a very hard time believing that we are good at anything. If this is the case, agreeing with him to "shut him up" will not help, it will do irreparable harm.

A lot of the pressure that makes us feel this way is unthinking. It may be going on within the band without anyone realising it, because people just don't think of things. As an example of how being different can lead to someone feeling shoved aside, my sensory issues are nearly always ignored, even the ones I find pure torture, because they aren't taken that seriously by anyone. Yet, just to give you a point of reference, I finally found out just what the rare eye condition was that I was born with (ocular albinisim) - and I have a medically validated reason for finding bright lights painful. Now, it wasn't news to me that bright lights hurt my eyes - but in another sense, that medically validated reason got lost in a welter of other sensory issues that are a lot more intolerable to me... Yet I live in a world where people think it is okay to bombard my senses with these tortures - how can I feel anything but less than equal? (I would prefer being repeatedly physically jabbed to some of the smells and sounds I am forced to put up with - imagine a world where it was okay for people to jab you whenever they felt like it. How would you feel?)

The problem is, I am fifty-one years old, and as a writer, I've spent a lot of time peering into my own head. I understand all this, and I still have problems with it. But it is quite possible he doesn't even consciously understand this. It is just a natural consequence of living in a world that refuses to take things that matter to you seriously. So how do you communicate the opposite to him? I have no idea, because in effect you may be trying to undo the entire 'majority is right' mentality and pressure he has lived under, unconsciously or not, all his life. His specific issues are probably far different from mine, but that isn't the point. The point is that when society forces someone to shatter what they are, in order to become more like everyone else, and ignores things that aren't usual because they're 'ridiculous', whatever the specifics are, the result is a very damaged, insecure person.

And, by the way, God bless you for at least trying to help this guy. That's going a lot further out of your way than a lot of people are ever willing to go. I don't mean to sound like I'm dismissing your efforts. It has nothing to do with you; I'm simply trying to show you just what a huge counterweight you may be struggling to oppose in doing so.

Edited to add: There is also the issue that his problems seem to revolve around his talent. I have one great talent (writing): I'm not saying I'm great, but I do seem to be better at it than many people. But creative people seem to be insecure at best - unless they become hopelessly arrogant to counter that insecurity - and when the talent is all that you have to hold up against the rest of the world making you feel like you suck, the one talisman which makes you worth something, well, the slightest slip is a big deal.

How bad can it get? I self-published a book of poetry when I was still in high school. I sold a lot of copies for a self-published book, even if the overall total wasn't that impressive. And almost everyone who read it liked it. The problem? Within a year or two, I got enough better to see how much I could have improved that book. I spent decades quietly working away without letting anyone see a word, trying to get better, and better, and never sure I was good enough yet. Finally, in 2006, I dared post some stories on a blog - mostly because I was using a pseudonym and figured they'd get lost in the noise. I attracted a fair amount of readers, and they liked my stuff. Even English professors gave me compliments. But I still am not sure if I'm really good enough.

I'm sure, to anyone who has never been in my shoes, that sounds pathetic. But from where I stand, it is a very real fear. Writing is what I am, the only thing I have to hold up to the world to show them I have some worth. I dare not risk the tiniest slip, the least indication I am not as good as I could be, or should be, or whatever.

Thanks to everyone for the insight.

@Chronos: When you said he might be wanting attention or his standards may just be too high, it reminded me that he obsesses over anything and everything by Rush and has made it his life mission to be better than Neil Peart. I will definitely take your advice with the "group therapy" session and pointing out others' mistakes. Do other people with AS struggle when they don't live up to something/someone who they have objectified as the standard? I know NT's seem to do this occasionally but with less of the focus and renowned perfectionism... Not really sure how to approach this aspect...

@ Fluffy Dog: I can certainly use help with other aspects of the band, and I would be glad to share some tasks with him. I'm usually slightly overwhelmed anyway because the purpose of my job is so that the musicians can focus mainly on playing music. He's included whenever we have social activities... I guess the problem is that we're all... well, losers, depending on what your social standards are. Being "rockstars" seems glamorous, but really we're workaholics! haha. We're successful in the music scene, then we go home and sleep because we're exhausted. Maybe he thinks we don't do anything because we don't want to include him. Thanks for suggesting more social activity. I will plan something for us all to do and ask him if he would like to do something to help me plan it, like texting everyone and giving a couple of people a ride. I also don't think he realizes how much I have secretly come to rely on the vast amounts of information he knows... I will begin to express appreciation each time he answers an important question that helps me figure things out; especially because he gets excited at the opportunity to share anything he knows.

@ Anbuend: thank you for the explanation about deliberate vs. triggered memory. I will do a lot more reading on that topic! I will also ask him if he actually thinks these things about memory or if he has been told them. I have learned that asking things outright helps. Last night he was arguing and arguing and fighting me on everything. I said, "Do you think I am mean to you?" And he said no, he thinks I'm really nice, and even though I'm "snotty" like every girl he's ever met, he thinks I'm extremely smart and therefore justified in being snotty. hahaha but not mean. So I came to the conclusion that his arguing is more rooted in self-frustration and feedback from other people. Does this work in reverse? For example, someone tells him something negative over and over so he eventually believes it. If I persevere with saying positive things over and over (only genuinely, of course), will he eventually accept that instead?

@The Wanderer: I think the most important thing I have taken away from this discussion is the fact that I was entirely unaware of how I may be accidentally pressuring him. The music industry is already very fast-paced, stressful, and high pressure. This made me realize that he may be freaking out because of other unconsidered factors, like violation of routine and structure he finds important, or being overstimulated from the constant activity. (seriously, last weekend, we all got like 4 hours of sleep for four nights straight because we had shows late at night and photo and video shoots each morning, then rehearsals and business meetings in the afternoons. It was intense for everyone!! !)

Also, when you talk about sensory issues, I realized that he and I are not so different. I'm NT, but I come from a very traumatic childhood. The emotional, psychological, physical, and sexual abuse I suffered landed my father in prison for 30 years, and left me with PTSD, issues with Dissociation/depersonalization, Social Anxiety, and hyper-awareness/hypersensitivity because I learned in early child that I needed to constantly be aware for survival. I don't talk about it very much because it's very private and I have worked very very hard to overcome and function in society as best as I can, but I too have problems making eye contact. Basically everything about life was so overstimulating and terrifying I would just "leave". I have almost entirely eliminated dissociation from my life, but throughout my life I have had a very hard time in conversations because I would involuntarily dissociate and then "come to" in the midst of a conversation, not know who I was talking to, how long we had been talking, or what we were talking about simply because I was not mentally present. I'm not saying this is anything close to the same thing, I'm just saying that you reminded me of how easily I can relate to social difficulties and frustrations. It also reminded me that sounds will offend me long before our drummer says anything and I just keep quiet about it because... well... because I am a "successful" manager headed for law school and I have to "keep it together". Enough about me, though. I am grateful for the humbling realization that he and I have more common ground to work with than I previously realized. I will work twice as hard to reach out to him now.

It sounds to me like you are on a good way, kristen1029. I think you are doing what you can to help this guy, even on top of all your other responsibilities and that is certainly something that has my respect. There will certainly be trying situations in the future as well, but I think you have already made the most important step with realizing that he is not doing it on purpose, but that it is an expression of a personality that is a bit different from those of most other people you deal with. Be patient and show him that he is a valuable person and I think that things will slowly improve over time.

I can't wrap my head around the sensory overload from being in a band would cause me.

But I do have to complement you on your efforts to work with this guy. Just don't let him become a Prima Donna.

Another approach may be to give him some objective evidence as to his skill. Compare recordings of his drumming to others that may have tried out. Don't tell him which is which. Let him HEAR the difference between what he does compared to others. Not sure how to pull it off, but it might work. He doesn't have to be perfect, only better than others.