Grown NT Child of an Aspie Mother

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My mother was diagonsed with a personality disorder as a child and then with ADD/ ADHD in the 1980's. Both of those diagnoses have always seemed wrong to me because instead of being Attention deficit she seemed to have too much attention directed at certain hobbies e.g. geneolology and computers.

We've always had our issues, mostly because we can't seem to understand each other. She's always had the need to be accepted for who she is and I need someone to sit down and have a connected conversation with me validating my feelings e.g. How was school and how did I feel about certain issues.

When I've had issues or problems come up that many mothers would sit down and listen too, she has a way of making them insignificant or tells me I'm too stressful to deal with.

Its been a very hard relationship from the beginning, and especially around age 12 when I was going through the change. At least a very disconnected relationship. I've had a very hard time feeling loved, and spent a lot of my childhood depressed.

I'm going to be thirty years old in a few weeks, and my mother is nearing 60, and our relationship is changing again, as she is needing more and more help but also doesn't like to be in the position of feeling vulnerable or incapable even though its a normal aging process. e.g. help with wood, keeping the house at a normal temperature and memory loss.

There doesn't seem to be a lot of information out for people in my circumstances, mostly because its a new diagnosis and I don't see a lot of older Aspergers who have adult grown children.

I have a lot of questions that mostly relate to the emotional aspects of our relationships, she's very direct and can be quite hurtful without realizing how what she says affects me on a very personal level. And when things are mentioned to her, she brushes them off or tells me I'm too sensitive. Some of the things she has said have related to telling me or my husband that she refuses to be part of our family if we don't agree with her, or that I was a difficult stressful child while I was growing up. Even though I tried very hard to please her.

It might be better for me to talk with other NT people about some of these things and how they have learned to cope.

If you have Aspie and are raising children, I could be a great sounding board for advice, as I understand the other side of the issue. I've learned that if my mother had just sat down with me and listened to me ramble about issues she didn't understand, we could have both gone our way and felt okay. She would have just gone back to what she was doing before, and I wouldn't have been so stressful for her.

Well let me know what you think about all of this, I welcome any and all advice.

I am always surprised when I hear about older aspies who still can't accept peoples opinions or different point of views. I mean didn't they run into other people who were like that and they saw how annoying that was so they decided they didn't want to be like that so they changed?

I got over that a long time ago after running into some arrogant people like that and I couldn't stand it.

It seems like your mum is trying to use her AS as an excuse, as far as her comments are concerned. Anyways, welcome to WrongPlanet.

I'm not sure it's so much arrogance, but just getting so incredibly wrapped up in something that you just can't be bothered with other things. I get like that at times if I'm sorting things and am very focused... it really really bothers me to be disturbed.

But, I've given up on things that take up that much of my attention, well to that extreme. If I cannot stop for a moment to help someone without having a meltdown, then I need to take a break. That just became a rule I go by pretty much, because a few years back, I was really really bad about it. However, I'm also aware that it's an issue... if I'd never gotten a diagnosis or realized something was wrong with that scenario, I cannot say I would ever do anything differently and I would have likely assumed it was perfectly normal.

I'm glad I know it's not, lol, not to that extreme. Now, I just browse forums and such during the day, and save my really intense things for night time, after they go to sleep-it's routine for me to wait now.

I've also learned to just smile and nod if I don't know what they are talking about. It really sucks later if they ask me a question about it though, because I didn't really grasp what the heck they were talking about earlier to begin with. Then they get really mad at me, lol.

That sounds like more than just being autistic. My dad would never do some of those things to me. And autistic people can have personality problems separate from being autistic.

It's not about interests, it's about having opinions and having your point of view and expecting everyone to agree with you or they are wrong. The OP's mother didn't want to be around her daughter and husband if they don't agree with her. So wrong. It feels like manipulation. "Agree with me or I won't be with you."

Hi there,

I have AS, my 15 year old son doesn't.......LFA and AS is on my fathers side of the family.

Uncannily, I was also dx with a personality disorder in my early 20's and a number of other things over the last 20 years.....at 36, I was dx with AS.

It has been very scary. My son was born just before the onset of extreme mental health issues and I spent a lot of time in and out of hospital, on meds that would kill a horse and many years of therapy.

I was driven by the notion that I did not want to perpetuate the violence and fear of my childhood with my own child, so I worked, very very hard........I am paying for it now physically.

I am sure my son will look back when he is an adult and have issues. How could he not? But I tried very hard to protect him from the trauma of what I was dealing with. I was also a single parent. I am prepared for whatever my son has to say about that time in our lives. I can imagine it must have been very confusing and fearful for him.

I cannot play, I struggle with the wonderful human capacity to adapt and to cope, I could not look my own son in the eye which I am sure had its own serious ramifications, I had to remind myself to TELL him that I loved him, not just think "Oh he knows", I had to remind myself to hug him, tell him I was so proud, be encouraging and so on.

But I persevered and persevered.......so, I am lacking and he knows it, but I do believe he knows how much love I have for him. At 15, we have our problems, some are outside the normal miscommunication of teenage years. I have asked him many times to be literal when speaking to me, so that we can have better communication and he can have better outcomes when speaking with me. But it is a struggle sometimes and he frightens me. Just because he is ruled by impulse and emotion......those wonderful teenage attributes and I struggle with the lack of logic.

I think I can understand where you are coming from, and I am sorry that your Mum has not seen the damage it has done. I am certainly not judging her, but spiritual freedom or comprehension of this strange world does not come cheap. I am sure that the source of a lot of my depression comes from the deep confusion and alienation I feel. My son calls me a nerd affectionately, he complains that I do not socialise, he comments on what I am wearing and so on. He very rarely says things that hurt, but when he does, I know if is born of a fear of what he doesn't understand me. I have always banged on about respect and tolerance, but he is 15. At 15, it seems that they exist in a bubble of peer acceptance and teenage angst.......little do they consider their actions as being hurtful.

So, I hope that has helped somewhat.......I am glad that you found WP and hope that it provides some platform for you to feel a bit more peace, even if your mother has not. Just as my mother has never apologised for what she put me through, I have forgiven her the same, for I wanted to be peaceful........and I truly hope that my son can forgive me, and I can apologise for many of the transgressions I committed.

Take good care of your precious self......you are loved.

Mics

This is a little scary. You could be my NT daughter in 10 more years talking about me. I really need to work on some stuff.

I agree that it's scary. I have a 16 year old son with ADHD, a 12 year old with ADHD/probably AS as well, and a 9 year old who is NT. Oddly, I have the most "issues" with the 12 year old, probably because she sees a lot that she doesn't like in herself in me. But even those are not major issues, as I understand, most parents of early adolescents have similar conflicts. Makes me wonder what I'm missing....

~Kate

Wow. This is great that I got so many replies so fast.. Thank you everyone. I'll try and answer a few questions that were asked..

My mom does have other issues.. One of the most important is that she is one of eleven kids, and the only one who had learning difficulties. Her father was very critical of each of them and the rest of the ten have very successful careers. Its one of the reasons she has a hard time admitting her failures.



I really appreciated this reply, because it seems like my mom as well.

She does get extremely wrapped up in things, and has a hard time focusing on something new. I've met a few Aspie people who seemed quite normal to me, but my mother seems to be more affected at times.



She can be very manipulative but I wonder as well if it wasn't something that she learned from her father, who would ignore his children if they weren't doing well. Each of the kids had to work hard to earn his approval.



I'm not sure.. That's why I'm here.. I need some help.

MICHHSTA~ I think that you care about how your son feels and for that he will be extremely grateful as well.

PUMIBEL~ Let me know what your thinking. I'd love to talk with you if you need me too..

Being 12 was such a hard year for me. I wonder too if being a daughter had a lot to do with it as well.. Our emotions are fluttering back and forth. I would be upset over nothing one moment and be perfectly fine the next. My mom had a very difficult time relating to me, and it was a time when I saw more frustrated fits from her. During this time she would refer to me as being her out of control daughter. And literally I was out of control.. Emotional control.. but when she would say that to me it would make me feel like I was a bad person. That was such a confusing age for both of us to go through.

I have AS/ suspected ADHD with a suspected ADHD mother. I'm the type to not want to talk about feelings and how was your day. I'll give you facts and that's it. Sometimes those things that you want to share with people are hard for other people to share.
Your mother needs to learn to not be so black and white and 'it's my way or the highway' thinking. I used to be like that and I've learned to at least stop myself if I know I'm being that way, or apologize about my behaviour.
Maybe you can tell her 'the way you are acting is hurting me' or something along those lines.

Also, ADHD is not just about attention problems. They can hyperfocus too but not to the extreme someone with AS does.

My daughter is a bit younger than you (she started university last year), but I think she has the same kind of issues with me as a parent. I don't think I was emotionally present for her when she needed it. It was very hard for both of us when she was between about 12 and about 17 years old, and we both viewed the other as the problem.

Our relationship is much better now. I could ask her your questions.

I dont think she is necersarily intending to manipulate you when she says "if you dont agree with her she wont have to do with you", it may be just she cant cope with you if you dont agree with her, and she doesnt know how to handle disagreements or compromise. It might still have the effect of being manipulative but it might not be the intention. I know myself has trouble with coping with people not agreeing with me and I have cut off most family members for various disagreements and arguments over the years. Im sure that if I had NT abilities i would be able to 'talk things through' and resolve things with people, but i lack the ability or skills to do this and be unhappy that things are going wrong but unable to fix them.

I avoid topics I can't agree with that brings out my strong feelings and I would hate to cut off contact with people and go "I don't want to to talk you." If I ever land on a subject and it is upsetting me because someone has disturbing thoughts, I end the topic by not wanting to talk about it. That helps.

yes Ive heard of just not talking about the disagreed topics but I can not seperate the views from the person, I know other people can like a person and just disagree about politics (or whatever) but I am unable to do this, Ive heard its common for AS people to be like that.