Dependence on your doctor/counsellor/therapist/professionals

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I read in a book that someone with Asperger's described her school days as: "I wasn't rejected but didn't feel completely included".

That's exactly how I've always felt, not only when I was younger but even now, as an adult. I also feel that people around me, even my sister or parents or closest friends, only know and see parts of me. Not that I've been deliberately hiding parts of myself, it's more like poeple tend to see what they want to see in me or in others generally.

No one really GETS me. Although I don't feel lonely and enjoy living in pretty much solitude, I still wish to meet/get to know someone who truly understands and knows me and who sees me the same way as I see myself.

So far, I've "told my story" to my GP, Psychiatrist, Univeristy counsellors, nurses etc, but some of them despite understanding much about Asperger's and my characteristics/personality, I still don't feel that there is much of a more personal connection with them. The closest to getting that feeling of "being understood" and "not being alone in this world" was perhaps with the doctor who diagnosed me. However, I don't see him as a friend (nor him me obviously) so am not sure if I could count him as someone who gets me.

Do any of you feel you're "alone" and not understood? Do you depend on professionals? Or is it naive to think that I'll ever find someone who will truly get me?

>Do any of you feel you're "alone" and not understood? Do you depend on professionals? Or is it naive to think that I'll ever find someone who will truly get me?

I felt that way until I met my husband. It came unexpectedly, in my 40s. Professionals never did that for me. I'm an extremely unusual and different person, so if I could stumble, finally, into someone enough like me to get me, it could happen to anyone, in my opinion.

I don't think it's possible to find another human who understands you completely, even if you're neurotypical. Everybody lives in their own world, not just autistic people.

This was absolutely true for me until I was in my late twenties, when I got seriously involved with a man I had known--up to then, as just a friend--since I was a teenager. Not so coincidentally, I later learned that he is also an aspie. This was my first experience with having someone who, at least partially, really understood me as a person. (In other words, the parts of me he "got," he really did get; the others...not so much. )

In the years since I have found two other people. One is definitely an aspie, and one is NT (but he used to be a programmer, so I figure he's at least an honorary aspie ) .

Both are extremely, extremely important to me in my life.

I hope to spend the rest of my life with both of them.

I think what I'm really saying is that this kind of understanding and connection can definitely be found, but it can also take time.

And that it can happen with either an aspie or an NT. (But it's probably more likely with someone who at least has some significant aspie traits...though maybe I'm biased here just because this is what happened to me.)

I used to wish someone would understand me. I don't mean completely. I just mean more than the nonautistic people around me did. Because they truly didn't, not even a little, except in the realm that all people have at least a teeny bit in common. I wasn't experiencing existential angst, I was just really really alien.

Eventually I decided nobody ever would and more or less made my peace with that. (And doctors or counselors? They understood enough to diagnose me but no more than that. The ways they interpreted my actions were ludicrously wrong usually.)

Then out of nowhere another autistic person understood me to the degree I used to hope. Not completely but she could usually predict my actions or thoughts. And then another autistic person too. One of them was a fair bit like me cognitively and a little in terms if experience, the other was the inverse of that. And I was happy.

Nearly ten years after meeting those two, I met a third. We were almost the same age. Had lived in very similar parts of the country. Went to two community colleges with each other without ever meeting. Both freaked out the scientology recruiter on the same day in the exact same way (neither of us wanted to join we had just read about cults). Had lots of experiences in common even though not all. And our cognition was so alike that if you put us in the same situation we would usually think the same things in parallel and if we were then out of contact for a week we would often be doing and thinking similar things until we had contact again. Her boyfriend says listening to us talk is like listening in on her mind.

Even we aren't precisely alike but the level of understanding for each other is way way way higher than we ever hoped to experience. And it's not like we have bad boundaries or something. Each of us is ourselves with solid borders. But on eachside of the border there is so much mutual understanding it's amazing. It's not boring at all. We are able to communicate about things that we can't with others because with others we get stuck on the basics. We help each other with our faults because we each have unique insights into how to improve them. It's also the least overloading friendship I have ever had because there are so few misunderstandings or unpredictabilities.

So it's not possible to have total understanding but it's possible to have rather extreme understanding. But my experience is when you are hoping too much you will engage in wishful thinking but when you do find someone it's out of nowhere. But I love having proved wrong the people who said I would never meet anyone who understood me.

Another thing that has helped me I think is that I have gone to a lot of trouble to explain to the world how I think. I have done it while trying as hard as possible to use my own concepts not the concepts of the "expert" professionals and not just repeating another person's concepts. My purpose was twofold. One, to help people who were different from me understand me. And two, to serve the same purpose for others that others have done for me: so they could go "oh that's how to put it in words". But one nice side effect is that those who understood me from similar experience have come and responded to my writing. That is how I met the last woman I described.

One caution though is that some people may claim understanding in order to manipulate you. That's why I stressed that my friend and I have good boundaries. People with bad boundaries will often do you harm either on purpose or by accident.

Thanks everyone especially anbuend and KayCe!
I think all I am hoping is to know that there is someone else out there who actually likes me, warts and all, and not just the happy bubbly side of me. i know i can be weird and freak out from time to time (sensory issues), and many people are a bit "scared" of that side of me.

Last edited by ASgirl on 31 Mar 2010, 1:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have always felt very isolated from others. The closest I have felt to anyone is to my son and I do "love" him and I also feel close to one sister who was very autistic in her presentation when young and just seems to understand me from an extreme sensate's perspective. She does not understand how it is exactly but she does relate to a lot.

For the most part however, I do not really get to feel connection with others. I cannot feel that others might like me or have a bond with me. I can get that in a momentary communication with someone but it can never be stored in me. It just has nowhere to fit in to me. I am not wired to receive that info.

I have been to goodness knows how many therapists over the course of my life. I told most of them how I experienced the world and most tried to "fix" me but I did not need any fixing. What I needed was acceptance and encouragement to accept myself for being quite different from others and quite eccentric.

I now see an ASD specialist. He is good. I am not dependent on him and only see him intermittently now - every few months or so. He is the first therapist I have ever seen who has said "if you find people so difficult, reduce your contact with them - you have AS and if you need to do that, then that is ok." Every other therapist I ever went to, told me I was flawed and needed to get out into life and get on with others and try harder!! ! He is the first clinician to say "I understand why you do not want to do that or do this...and it is ok." Most other therapists would try to force me into tackling environments and contexts that were beyond me in terms of my sensory issues and processing issues. And because I can appear very clever, they assumed I was able to cope with life when in fact I was trying to tell them I couldn't and that whilst I was smart I had a whole lot of problems with not being able to process things like others, not being able to filter out things like others, not being able to cope with groups or changes in routine or spontaneity or dynamism etc.

I have also met a fair few ASD people over the past year or so...both online and through the ASD groups that run out of Brisbane. I have found that I enjoy the company of some of them and can identify, but the relating with some others has been extremely problematic and difficult.

And in the end, most of my connections with others are internally and cognitively generated. It is my process and not about empathy so much as about a kind of adult parallel play of sorts. That is just how it is. I don't fight this or try to change it anymore (as I was told to do for many years.)

Hi Millie, thanks for your post, I find it extremely helpful and comforting. My psychiatrist hasn't exactly said those words (ie the it's ok bit) but he was the first person who said I am "likeable" and "personable" despite my many impairments that he only knows too well. Maybe all i need to hear it from someone who is not a professional.

Hi ASgirl. I think the greatest gift we can give each other is validation...... That is what many of us actually need to develop in ourselves - a sense of self-worth and self-validation for being who and what we are. Good luck on your journey.


I am an old eccentric lady these days.... and I would like you to know YOU ARE OK and YOU ARE VALID and you are fine just as you are. I say this, because I refer back to my own life and the need i had to hear this. I wish I had heard it when younger. I rarely did. I see one of my tasks as an older ASD woman, to say this to others in the hope it will help.

Only here on WP do I ever feel understood.

Neither my therapist and the psych-md who handles my meds do I feel understand me. They're still good for certain things though.

I guess I don't feel understood by anybody I know IRL. And I'm still trying to get over the wrong assumption that they don't get me because I'm bad at explaining myself. I am bad at explaining myself, but if I wasn't they still wouldn't get me. But what more can I expect from NT's?

How *can* NT's get a sense of what AS/autism is like? Only partially a rhetorical question. I really wonder.

Some people in my life claim they understand me, I don't feel they do but they actually get the big picture. I understand some people, finish their sentences and accomplish tasks before they even ask me to do it. If it gets any more understanding than that than I think I will have a hard time coping with that kind of relationship. Someone who knows you too well can really get on your nerves very fast if spun the wrong way, trust me I know!

The staff in my school didn't get me but my parents did, my speech therapist, my shrink, my psychiatrist, and my husband gets me. Sometimes he still doesn't understand. I think my aunt and uncle understood me. They made me feel at home and comfortable but my aunt was taking extra caution like telling me she is having people coming over, something is going to be very loud, what route does she take.

Thanks everyone, reading your posts have made me feel a lot better and more hopeful! I am quite a cheery person normally but once in a while, like most people, i feel a bit lost and alone. Millie, many thanks for your advice and kind words. I saw my psychiatrist today and asked him if it's ok to be "just me" and he basically just told me what you've already said in your post. Can't thank you enough!