Do ya know I might as well keep my mouth shut

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Doesn’t matter what I say it just makes it worse when trying to explain to my partner that was not what I said/not what I meant.
I’m having so much trouble with communicating with my partner she now wonders why I don’t speak much. That’s because I’m afraid to start an other argument just because she’s misinterpreted what I said or was it I misinterpreted what she said.
Then there’s the problem of explain I’ve got Aspergers and I’m finding it hard to explain.
“Oh here we go again always using Aspergers as an excuse”


Please no NTs answer back I’ve had enough of ya neurotic dribble

I refuse to 'not say anything anymore'. I will not censor myself.

Try communicating a different way. Try stepping back, waiting, cooling off, then speaking more calmly. Try writing a letter.

Try choosing different words. Pay extra attention to your tone of voice, because that's a biggie and ruins more interactions than you'd believe.

Step back. Wait till you're both calm. Ask if it's okay to bring it up. Ask your partner not to interrupt. (Have a "script" to cover so you don't pause and invite interruption.) Then explain what Asperger's means for your expressive language and nonverbal communication.

That's a bit rude. Many NTs here give very intelligent advice, especially in this area since many are in/have been in aspie-NT relationships and may be able to help you. Asking only for one-sided views is not seeking help, it's looking for support or venting. You're free to do that; that's what the Haven is about, but don't pretend you're looking for genuine advice if you're not.

If you are looking for ways to understand your gf, then asking NTs what they think is the problem may be the first place to start. Also, it would help if you let us know what the arguments are usually about.

I'm not NT but I don't have anything
useful to say.

No, they are not able to help. NTs give advice based on what they would do. AS is a brain dysfunction - a physical VOID where a neurotypical brain is capable of making a mental connection, and those who do not have it cannot comprehend the handicap, so they continually give advice that is essentially useless - in fact, it's the same advice (demands) that the Aspergian is usually getting at home from their intolerant partner.

The initial remark may be rudeness borne of frustration, but I completely understand the OPs exasperation, and unfortunately, he is correct - there is a point at which one must simply learn to shut down and go silent. As much as we read about those with AS having an inability to see something from another's point of view, the neurotypical mind (generally) cannot, or will not make a serious attempt to understand AS as a debilitating handicap, even when they live with it right in front of them on a daily basis. Because we function so much like them the majority of the time, when those moments come that the VOID in our brain makes something impossible for us that's easy for them - when we balk, like a robot who's suddenly encountered a BLANK spot in its programming (which is in fact precisely what's happening), they will invariably treat the Aspergian as though we are intentionally refusing to cooperate. If you try to explain why you are incapacitated, they resort immediately to negating the problem as if it isn't real:

"Oh, come on, you can't blame everything you do on Asperger Syndrome"

Actually, you can. That's exactly what the word PERVASIVE in Pervasive Developmental Disorder means - 'it runs throughout and affects every aspect of'

Human beings are products of their neurochemistry and most simply don't want to admit to themselves how much of what we like to pretend is free will, is actually the preprogrammed patterns of neurons firing in our brains just they way their genetic blueprint tells them to. The point being, you can't maintain a long term relationship with someone who can't accept the fact that you have a disability. It's a rare person who can understand and accept that, and many who claim to be sympathetic, still don't really get it.

I see married women logging on here nearly every day to rant about what a jerk their Aspie husband is, and not one of them seems to have a clear grasp of the fact that the poor b*st*rd has a mental disorder! I know its the elephant in the room we all don't like to hear discussed aloud, but folks, Autism means there are parts of your brain that don't function normally and that is a pretty severe handicap any way you look at it - we can sugarcoat it all day long and act like it's no big deal, but when it causes you to lose jobs repeatedly and makes it nearly impossible to forge deep and lasting relationships, and mysteriously makes you attract bullies like a sh*t magnet, at some point you gotta face the truth.

'If you've met one Aspie you've met one Aspie' - isn't that sweet? We're all unique as snowflakes! But here's the reality: You put a hundred Aspies in an auditorium and you know what you've got? A hundred people with the same neurological disorder, whose dysfunctional behaviors are so similar, an experienced psychologist could diagnose any one of 'em from a hundred yards away. Those ain't snowflakes, they're people with a disability, and the only way to deal with them is to understand that disability and accept the fact that they can't do everything you can do - at least not in the same way.

Not b*tchin' @ you, Lene, just to be clear. Its just that I've been in the OP's shoes so many times it breaks my heart to see it happen to someone else, and yet I know that the only solution is acceptance. Until the people around us can fully comprehend our disability, they're going to continue to berate and verbally abuse us with that "Oh, come on, there's nothing wrong with you, you're just making excuses" attitude. And I for one am just too old to listen to that crap anymore. Until then, all you can do is keep your mouth shut until they give up and go away - because they're never going to HEAR what you're telling them, even if they claim to be listening.

Here endeth the rant.

I used to be the same way, with my dad. I'd start a casual conversation with him, and than he'd state the obvious about what I'd be trying to have a casual conversation, about. It pissed me off, every time, and I didn't communicate with him, for the longest time.

the only thing i can think of is to try to recognise if there is a pattern in your behaviour that set's things off. once an argument has startyed it makes it far more difficult to avoid.

Willard, you make a valid point, but I think there are a few things you might not have thought of. Maybe you can see something that invalidates these, but just in case, I'm going to make the argument.

First of all, an NT can tell you what an NT is thinking. That can be helpful to someone who has trouble understanding other people. And the NTs here are often more proficient than average at translating what they say into terms we can understand.

Second, yes, it is utterly useless to give certain kinds of advice to Aspies. If I wanted to fly, admittedly, I wouldn't ask a bird, who would tell me to flap my wings. (Well, actually the bird would probably fly away, which only makes the analogy better. *sigh*) But once I knew how to get airborne, if I wanted to improve my technique, I would ask a bird. Even if I ended up disregarding the bird's suggestions, it would be worth listening, because the bird's been in the air for a long time and knows about thermals and headwinds and drag, even if not consciously.

Third, you underestimate an individual's ability to compensate. For instance, I have a degree of face-blindness, but I can learn a person's facial features like I can learn what a car looks like. Maybe it's beyond the OP to ever understand these situations exactly like an NT would, but even so, who's to say he can't learn his own way of doing things? And who's to say that hearing how birds fly won't help him refine his technique?

And finally, please scroll down. It's right above the blue hippo.

Try physical violence. You are probably heavier than her.

Ok, I didn't mean it, although she certainly sounds like she deserves a slap.

I think maybe you need to leave her and find someone else who will treat you properly. Your post sounds like you are already making every effort to put things right/deal with miscommunication. She is cutting you no slack at all. Like slashing a dog's hindlegs then demanding that it run as fast as the rest, and accusing it of making excuses when it can't.

i usually get to the point, like i recently tried dating a hot nerd. i left a topic here but i deleted it, i dont wanna court someone, i dont wanna talk, i dont wanna take someone out for f*****g dinner and explain my whole life story, so this is what i did i commited a major social gaf wich will remain unamed, and got some serious backlash for my gaf. then we went our own ways, and ittle probably happen again to me if i ever wanna meet someone

Its pointless taken NTs advise as they are so single minded. If they think there is a cure to aspie and think we can adapt then they are not addressing the problem.
Take the title of this web site WRONG PLANET we don’t fit in to their world.
Animals, different cultures and humans with different appearance all unite on this planet.

Ok Willard I do agree with most of what you said however we do have personalities and we are different in many ways. Although I would agree that if we were all brave enough to stuff ourselves into an auditorium together ....we'd be obvious. Just like when my son was diagnosed the Psychologist pulled my husband aside and told him that if she did not know that I had Asperger's she would have told him that I do.

To the OP, I also really understand what you are going through. I not only have this problem with my husband (even though he is more understanding than you describe your partner) I also have this problem with my adult kids. This sounds really dumb but sometimes I have people repeat back to me what I have said and I also remind people that if they are telling me something important that they should have me do the same.
My husband was upset at me this past Friday because he told me that he needed to be early to work....but he didnt stress that he NEEDED to be at work early....also he did not remind me or tell me that morning while I was lolly gagging around. Also if worse comes to worse....write it down!

Whats very important to me now in my life is my 18-month daughter. I most of my time looking and bring her up while my partner is very lazy and seems to think safety comes second when my partner would not get up to take her used plates and cups left for a child to pick and play with.
As much as I feel things aren’t the same with my partner it’s important for my child to not suffer. I don’t want to ruin the mam and dad thing.
We have to work at these things and I will have to work at this even if my partner keeps on with her untidiness, laziness and communication problems.
But what gets me I will be supportive to her if she goes on a diet and I will join her but if I asked to read an article on Aspergers or talk about she does not want to know.

I have pondered this question many times. I simply keep my mouth shut, period. Even when I am asked, sometimes.