Being antisocial
I'm old enough to move outta my moms house but I can't afford to since I'm in college. The problem I have is I hate socializing the word itself actually makes me feel sick but unfortunately its hard to avoid these days. People seem to like me so I feel like a bit of a prick for avoiding contact with them and I know lots of them take it as a sign of disrespect that I get the hell outta there the second I'm not being talked to. Everyone knows I'm autistic yet my brother and all his friends try and get me to hang around with them once they spot me the problem is all they do half the time is sit around drinking and talking. The drinking part I like but the talking part I truly hate. I like talking about interesting things when theres an exchange of information/knowledge going on but talking for the sake of talking maybe my brain just isn't wired to find that enjoyable. My mom and her friends will often try and draw me into conversations too and the only problem I have with that is they probably take it as disrespect when I just walk off after answering whatever question they ask to get me to start talking.
Anyhow sorry for that incoherent rant there what I was wondering is how you all deal with this kinda thing. I'm assuming other people here can relate to what I'm talking about since it seems to be a trait of people on the autism spectrum. Its weird s**t living in this world full of people who intentionally spend their time sitting around talking to each other but somehow managing to avoid exchanging useful information isn't it. I spend all my free time learning about electronics, chemistry, biotechnology, computers, programming, maths and other science related fields and I put my knowledge into practice as best I can by building electronics circuits, programming applications etc. I can't adequately put into words the kinda joy I feel doing this. My family don't seem to believe me that this like a direct connection to God I have instead they keep trying to get me out of my solitude and judging by the allusions they make it seems to be because they think I isolate myself for some kinda negative reasons. Its as if they believe being isolated is a bad thing but in reality its the polar opposite. Its only when I'm alone that the introspection starts and I get into this mindset where I rapidly learn and accumulate knowledge, integrate it into my mind and put it into practice. Its only when I'm alone that I feel this God like joy.
I can relate all right. I will spare you the story of the time some friends figured I NEEDED to attend a football game or the time some friends pulled me into a club and tried to force me to watch the dancing couples and listen to the music.
Mean well + don'r get it = hell.
But - it gets better. There are a surprising number of people out there who actually talk when they talk. And families gradually give up.
you gotta sit your friends and loved ones down and explain how you are to them. Explain to them that you value them, and you appreciate their efforts to engage you, but it's not in you to handle the frequency and intensity the demands of socialization places on you. Tell them that being by yourself isn't necessarily a downer, and that sometimes it's when you are happiest.
You can make some concessions to being social, maybe set aside one or two times a month (as much as you can handle) to "hang out", but let them know you need some "you time" too.
Mean well + don'r get it = hell.
But - it gets better. There are a surprising number of people out there who actually talk when they talk. And families gradually give up.
Ah its good to hear from someone in a similar situation. Thats exactly what I'm talking about with good intentions they make you suffer. This is a lesson I think humans in general need to learn. Whats good for us is not necessarily good for others so its best to help only when your completely sure of what the other person needs. You're right about there being people who actually talk rather than just making sounds. I find that people on psychedelics are inclined to talk about profound things without being inhibited by this buffer which seems to keep conversations between many people from getting interesting.
I'd be lying if I told them that. Its not "sometimes" that I'm happiest alone its 90% of the time. I've had some good friends. I suppose I can tell them the pure truth which is that I don't like sitting around talking but I do respect other people and if I view someone as a friend them I'm the most loyal bastard alive but I only wanna hang around with them when we have some kinda goal. Like an objective I like working together with people towards a common goal.
Anti-social would be aggressively bullying people and torturing small animals (or big ones) and manipulating people for your gain.
Haha very inaccurate choice of words on my part. s**t I've been referring to myself as anti-social for years now I had no idea its actually a synonym for sociopath/psychopath.
Yes, it's important to differ the terms "anti-social" and "asocial" (I believe. I might be wrong.)
I must confess my asociality as well, I dislike taking a part of social situations as well as forming relationships. It's not that I have a huge problem forming relationships — even though it's quite hard (Aspieness…) — I just don't like them. Sure, having a friend or two may help in different situations — but I don't strive for them. So, we are quite alike when it comes to this I suppose.
Explaining my "asocialness" to my peers is (especially) hard. It's much easier relating to adults — at least they have the ability to understand that the complexity of mind does not have equal values to everyone, if that makes sense. When my peers ask me what I am going to do this summer, I answer "reading, programming, etc" and they chuckle. When they enjoy being extremely social by being outside most of the day partying — I enjoy reading, learning, and so on. Quite a nerd, eh? Well, aren't we all.
I really get your point of view. It's hard to cope with our difficulties, unfortunately.
I don't know if this will be relevant to you. If it's not, ignore it.
I like to play Scrabble. It's a way to be with people but without having to make conversation, since everyone is busy focusing on the game, especially if you play at a high-ish level. Maybe your relatives and friends might be willing to spend time together with games like Scrabble?
CockneyRebel
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Well, sometimes can have a range of meanings, and if your friends are at all insightful and informed about your personality, they'll take your meaning.
Furthermore, sometimes you might need to "take one for the team". I'm married, have kids. But I'm a lot like you. Most times I just want to be alone. However, since I value my marriage and my children, I make myself more available than I would otherwise. That's the choice I made and I don't regret it, even if it does leave me exhausted at times. It may be that with this particular group of friends, once in a while you're gonna have to sit there and tolerate their small talk and other assorted nonsense (meant in the most affectionate way, of course). But if you let them know that this is painful for you, I'm sure they'll make an effort to minimize these experiences. However, there are certain life experiences (weddings, graduations, etc) where you're just gonna have to suck it up, at least for a little bit. I do it by showing up, putting on the social mask for a bit. But I'm always the first to leave, and everyone has long since learned to accept that fact.
Last edited by ProfessorAspie on 14 Apr 2010, 7:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
CockneyRebel
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Joined: 17 Jul 2004
Age: 50
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Location: In my little Olympic World of peace and love
I could care less about other people. It's sad but true. My mum has pretty much accepted that I love my lizard more that her. She wonders if I could have some form of RAD as a result of my neglectful biological mother. She says I love my lizard more because it's not a give and take relationship. She says a relationship with a dog is a give and take relationship because lizards aren't capable of emotion. I wonder if I am capable of the full range of human emotions. I can't feel anything positive for other humans. I'm told I love animals more than people and it's true but I don't care. Why should I care so much about people when they have caused me more pain than joy? I've expirenced nothing but joy in the presence of animals.
If the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future ever came over to show me how being a grump is such a bad thing I could care less and I'd go get the ghostbusting gear. I am asexual and find hugging and kissing just as repulsive as intercourse. I have no need for other human beings and would be pleased if something happened that killed them all off but left the animals and me. That would actualy be quite nice.
I have to fake feeling things for my own family so I don't offend them but I can't feel as much for them as they would like. I wonder if it's resentment becuase I felt did not accept me as much as they should have when I was younger and even today. I don't know. I'm an antisocial b***h and I don't care.
I didn't attend something I probably should have tonight. I just decided that I wasn't going to. I sent a gift. It would have been a grating drive at rush hour, tons of screaming kids and relatives who don't like each other, marital tension between my sister and her now ex-husband who is back in the states and thus they are trapped in the same house together, getting strong-armed into staying later than I wanted to and then getting home and having to rush around doing all my 'chores' in like an hour before leaving for work. I just said, you know what, not doing it. so it's refreshing so see the thread title. I probably got called a b***h by my sister tonight for not going but I really don't care. I just quit smoking a bout 5 days ago and I want to stay quit. No more justifying and pretending to enjoy stuff, I'm just not going.
I try to keep as far away from people as possible. I see what my old friends get up to on Facebook and it just seems like such a waste. I'm fine while I got my special interests. No one I know wants to know about astronomy, fantasy and some random fact I just picked up from my searchings on the internet, or a book or from a documentary so why should I care about them?
It's kind of hard to keep the mother out so I give a few minutes of my time to her, maybe watch a few TV shows with. But a person that generalises about race, rolls her eyes at evolution and is homophobic doesn't make a desirable conversation parter.
My friends say things that offend me or just annoy me. I don't think they know it, though I have said that I hate when people do things and talk similar. I call it conformity syndrome (more on that story later).
I dunno, maybe I'll hang out with them once in a blue moon, though I just missed that last one.
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not socialising because u don't like doing it is not anti-social.
Unsocial would be a better term.
My NT sister has been called anti social by people trying to get her to go out at night when she doesn't want to. (her reasons for not wanting to are lack of money to pay for taxis and the fact that she has to get up early for work the next day).
I agree there are times (like weddings and work functions and stuff) where it is best to socialise at least for a little bit.
but it is not mandatory to socialise at nightclubs every single night of the week. How can people socialise in a place that is so crowded u can't move without pushing past people (fights start that way) and that is so loud u have to shout to make yourself heard?