I don't understand this...

Post Reply New Topic

My gf's sister was out of town with a couple of relatives. Well, one of the relatives has had throat cancer for some time, and I suppose he was in some of the last stages of it. Well, they were at a hotel...he in one room and she in another. He had had a hard/rough day physically and she advised him to go on to bed. When she woke the next morning she couldn't get him to open his door...she used her key (he gave her a copy before bed in case of emergency) and she walked in to find him deceased.

Here is what I don't understand: she is blaming herself and apparently having an extremely hard time with dealing with it. How is this rational? He was already dying. He had had a bad day, and apparently realized that it was possible that he may not fair well (he gave her a key to the room). I don't understand her rationale/logic...or lack thereof. She is acting as though she was negligent.

My brain doesn't compute.

I think she felt bad because she didn't do more...or see it coming, or anticipate him dying.

Apparently, not anticipating stuff like that is a major no-no. I don't understand it, but people feel bad if you surprise them.

People sometimes want to think that their actions could have changed things. I think this is a normal stage of grief. A sort of denial. There wasn't anything she should have done differently. Hopefully she will realize this.

It's rather strange how people think sometimes. She may be thinking, "If I had only checked on him maybe he would still be alive," which is a rather absurd thought, given he had advanced cancer. There's absolutely nothing she could have done and she needs to realize that it was just his time to go.

Maybe it was the dying alone aspect? When my friend died of cancer I didn't feel as if I should have done more (there was nothing that could be done, by anyone) but I did feel guilty that I wasn't there when I had said I would be (he died while I was travelling to the hospital) A year later, I don't feel guilty any more. People sometimes have odd reactions to grief, it isn't rational and there isn't a right or wrong way to feel.

She's blaming herself because she wonders "what if?" .... what if she stayed and monitored him at night? There might have been a chance I could at least try to save him, or call for help earlier.

Best to tell her that there's almost certainly nothing she could have done. Ask her why she feels guilty about it, giving her the opportunity to explain how she feels might make her feel better.

I'd probably feel the same (feeling of guilt) if a relative of mine died like that. I would need people to tell me there's nothing I could have done, I would need to hear from other people that it wasn't my fault, even though the purely scientific explanation says the person was going to die anyway. When there's a loss of a relative, people want to feel that other people are around and care about their feelings.

hmmm, it is difficult to explain. I'm sure the others can explain it better.

Is there a possibility of guilt from him having to die alone?