When I was 19, I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety. I went through CBT, and while it helped me feel better about myself, and gave me some more confidence to put myself out there, I still struggle with work and personal relationships.
Anymore, I remain quiet socially so that I don't ramble. If left to my own devices I run a gauntlet of nervous rambling about video games, exoplanets, mineral composition of moons, computers, music, and never know when to shut up. All of my previous relationships have failed, near as I can tell because I just can't relate to other people. My last boyfriend was incredibly social, where if I am social for a day, the energy and effort I put into pretending I'm "normal" exhausts me to a point where I hide from everyone for several days after.
My experiences with acquaintances and friends has shaped my actions. I had a roommate once who told me the sounds I made were annoying and to knock it off, so I focused on ceasing said behavior. A previous manager of mine said my voice was annoyingly high pitched, (I used to speak much higher due to being nervous) so I worked on speaking with a normal pitch. My best friend in high school introduced herself by shoving her hand in my face and shouting, "HI! I'M [name], NICE TO MEET YOU." I took her hand and averted my eyes, and meekly said, "Hi, I'm Jaime". Her response was, "OH! You're just shy!" Later she told me she was trying to start a fight with me because I appeared stuck up or aloof.
To even get by in school I had to observe the other kids for MONTHS, figure out why I was picked on when they weren't. I was lucky. I "figured it out", and changed schools. I dressed like them, I emulated them, started showering (*coughs*), and finally fit in. Only to realize I didn't really want to, and then became incredibly socially anxious.
I can't tell if people are joking or making fun of me, or even if guys are hitting on me. I don't get movie "comedies", like Dumb and Dumber was just uncomfortable for me. People can never tell if I'm joking or trying to be sarcastic. I always take what people say at face value, like if someone says they're okay when they're not.
I can't handle crowds, lots of noise (literally hurts my ears), and get really upset if I'm overstimulated. I can't even read a book if I hear a ticking clock. When I speak my conversation is rhythmic, and I pause frequently to find the right words. I don't understand when it's my turn to speak on the phone. I can't eat in front of people if they're not eating themselves, but even then I have to be pretty familiar with that person to do so. I'm a strict Vegetarian, I am obsessed with the nutritional content of my food.
On cold surfaces I have to walk on my tiptoes. I've been passed over for promotions for being too timid. I only feel comfortable sitting in specific places in my home. When really stressed out I pick at my hair and occasionally have panic attacks. I have routines for all of my daily activities (breakfast, shower, vices). I'm honest to a fault and often blunt. I dress oddly as well (mixing colors, wearing knee-high converse boots), some people have called me fashionable, though I think most people think I'm a trainwreck. :3
I've always just though of myself as being neurotic or crazy, though recently a friend of mine was reading about Asperger's, and kind of just exclaimed at me, "You're an aspie!"
Reading further, I'm hopeful, incredibly so. There are a great many things I love about myself (my honesty in particular), and I want to accept myself for who I am. I don't need to fit into a neat box adhering to the societal expectations of other people who in all likelihood are truly just as jacked up as I am. I just want to know why I AM the way I am. I'm trying to find a psychologist to get a diagnosis, but in the town I live in this is difficult. The only mental health assistance I've found here told me when I was 17 that everything was alright and that I'm perfectly normal (every teenager in High School hides in the bathroom to get away from the noise and chaos, other people, every day, every period) it's just one of those things. So I'm a bit leery and looking outside of this city, but as I'm too afraid to drive... it is difficult.
Sorry this is so rambly, I'd edit for sake of continuity or flow, but this is kind of how my mind functions, figure that might as well go on the table as well. Thank you for your time!
18 Apr 2010, 1:12 pm
