Help I'm very angry now

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15min ago, somebody who works in my school go to me and tell me 'x don't forget that your "helper" is there" I won't say how it calls in English, privacy reasons. But she told me that while I was walking with a friend. I asked school that I would not have a problem with having a helper if they keep it 100% private.
But now she just shouts it and my friend ask me what it is. In reality it is a some kind a guide from a special school that helps childeren in a normal school. I told my friend that I have one because my mother is very sick, and I need to talk to somebody. But now I'm scared, that he would look it up on the internet and then find it goes about Autists. I'm only 16 years, have decent social life, with a good reputation. And I'm very scared to go to school tommorow.
And the biggest problem is that the friend that has hear it also the one who looks for the most info on the internet.

I tried to call school to tell me I don't need that "helper', and I don't want him anymore. I should have done this long ago, he never helped me and only talks about his life or his wife or how my school is unprofficial. But I don't care that he does not help me, he ask if I need help but I don't need help, my grades are very good without his help. Its a very nice guy, but he just earns money while doing nothing. I can't reach school office now. But I feel very bad..

Calm down and breathe, man, you'll be ok. It's most important to exhale deeply after a long breath. If you have some private time and space to perseverate on something or stim a bit, that might help too. Just make sure you really are in a private space, since you seem worried about how other people think of you.

That was total BS that someone said that to you in the company of your friend. You're right to be angry, but don't let it mess you up. I work as a para for autistic people, and I am very sensitive to the fact that they don't want other people to judge them based on their need for a para (or in your case, the school's incorrect belief that you need one).




I would be very very surprised if your friend could find *anything* about you or your supposed helper. I would also be surprised if he or she had any interest in doing research to embarrass you. You guys are friends, right?



You have to be careful here. Since you are a minor, you don't really have the legal right to tell the school that you don't need a para, unfortunately. You could report some of the things he says about the school's lack of professionalism, but that would be very manipulative behavior that I bet you'd find that distasteful, and it could very easily backfire. Try not to come off to your school's teachers and administrators as oppositional on this one; that would definitely make things worse. Try to explain your frustrations calmly, and monitor the tone and volume of your voice. If you start yelling, then it won't matter what you're saying, because neurotypical people will get hung up on your emotions and fail to understand your words.

Alternatively, you could just try to use your helper. He's trying to start conversations with you, but he's doing it in a neurotypical way that doesn't make sense to you. Try starting your own conversations about things that interest you, and see if you have any common ground. Since your academics aren't suffering, the para is probably there for social support. It's his job to be a friend to you, so why don't you try treating him that way back? I know that I really appreciate it when my autistic students open up to me, in part because I know just how hard it can be to do that.

Good luck. There's nothing wrong with you. The problems you're having are with the world.
-ck

Thank you for your post.

The para here in Belgium calls xxx-begeleider. I won't give it full.

I like it that he talks about NT-stuff. But its just annoying that I need to be there a full hour after school. Its not like his my friend.
And I have the right to say I don't need him anymore, I arranged all this. I asked for help (etc), not my school nor my parents.
I told my school okay I would like to have a begeleider, but then this would be 100% private.
They told me 'okay okay no problem". But it already happened 2 times. The first time was not so riscy nobody heard it. But now my friend even asked me what it was. I just told him it was somebody that helps me with my home situation. My mother has cancer etc(thats actually true). But I told him a story that it was for that reason, I think he believes it. But I'm just scared that he maybe tell some other friend about it, maybe not in a negative sense. But it can turn up in real big questions for people.
My school is also very reputation minded (pupils). This would ruin my school year.
I can not get emotional and talk about my autist problems to my friends here, thats just not socially accepted. And I like it that way. I would not like a school were everybody is too nice.

Btw I never thought about myself that I was autist, I got the diagnose at 16 year. She told me I was very very very little autist. (not in those words) But I just feel like that she has done this so she has a client more. I always understood people, never asked myself why they do this or that. The situations were I am socially ackward are when I see the possiblity to be ashamed or feel ridicule. And I got them faster then most people.

The only thing I really feel I have big problems with are that I feel like that all attention of the world is on me. I feel watched all the time. I hear everywhere my name.
I'm socially consc in a very bad way. But I would not say I have social anxiety, I'm just to hard for myself and ask perfection in everything, when It not perfect avoid it or destroy it.
People will never think about me as perfectionist. They will rather think I'm lazy.
But I'm lazy to do stuff I think I will fail, and then I would get ashamed.
The problem that people see me as lazy, I can not change it so I avoid it. I will try to not look at this, but it stil get my crazy.
I even would say I have too much understanding about people, but the executive is sometimes bad because I avoid everything.
But the moments I don't avoid it I have no problem at all.

I hope you read it. I would love to have a answer.

ps: About the para there for social support: Hes not there for that reason, I have friends at school. I asked the para so he would help me with the organisation of my school stuff. Were I dont really have problems with.

Sorry for my bad English..

Something about AS is that when you are trying to figure out the meaning of a social situation, sometimes you do so in a rigid way - that is, you think the situation went really well or really bad with an extra focus on details. In this case, you have gone with the really bad, so just relax it was probably not as bad as you thought - most people do not look in to things to that great of depth, especially teenagers

Sometimes people feel anxiety and paranoia when they are stressed by the constant interaction with other people. It sounds like you have to put up a front (you have to fake who you are or create a personality) to fit in at school, which is pretty normal for a person with autism. I do this my whole life more or less. But I do need my time to sleep, relax and be by myself. The hour after school is probably making your school day too long and taking away from your time to relax. I would talk to a school guidance counselor, the principal and the para to see if you can get something changed. Maybe you could only meet for 1/2 hour or maybe only a few times a week?

good luck and hang in there!

Thank you for your post.

I only have him 1 day a week. I would prefer to be 1 hour with the class, then 1 hour extra with a 'helper'. I asked that he come after school hours so nobody will now I'm not in class.
But my grades are very good without his help so I don't need him. He also never helped me with social problems, when I explained him something he answered me with stuff I already understood or knew. When he comes to me he gets paid by the state, and he doesnt have alot of work with me. We just talk about random stuff.

3 weeks ago he talked about the other aspie guy he helped in school. I found it weird that he did that, but I didnt care. I make him clear that he didnt talked about me to him. But that other aspie guy always stand alone, walks weird, talks like a robot. The first day I knew that guy was an autist.

You have the right to your confidentiality and there is likely laws protecting you (uhh.. i'm not familiar with law in Belgium). I would have a talk with your para and whomever the other person in the story is about not disclosing any information about your autism in public. If you are polite, relaxed and rational they will understand you (but if you are a jerk they will talk about you all day).

Also, some helpers in school are entry (beginner) level jobs, but I don't know your guy for sure. Sometimes these people have not yet had the training to work with youth on the autism spectrum and they are not getting paid a whole lot of money. He might not know what to do. It's rather silly when you think about because there is probably a high-paid teacher in the school with some training for students with special needs that is not working with you. Anyways, he sounds like a good guy, try and build a relationship with him because it is good to have adults to talk to, you might learn a lot and have some fun. If you are doing nothing and you have to stay there the whole hour, why not think of something productive to do, such as playing a game, finishing your homework or getting some physical activity?

Last edited by MrTeacher on 27 Apr 2010, 11:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

I already told her. My 'para' already knows it too a long time ago.
But its not possible for me to tell the whole school office not to tell anybody I have a begeleider.
I already told school administr that and they told me it wont be a problem.