People anxiety

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This morning as I was attempting to do a compassion meditation, I realized that at this point in time, even the thought of my partner or a friend is a source of low grade anxiety and that anxiety was rendering me unable to do the meditation.

I'm not an Aspie with an innate social anxiety, this is a learned response from so many bad encounters. Most of my life I've been so clueless, I thought everything was fine enough.

A few days ago if you'd asked me, I would have told you my partner was the one person I could still relax around. Now I can see that there is the worry that she'll finally get fed up with me and leave... though there's no indication of that from her side. This is solely based on my previous experience with others.

The last couple of years have just been a humdinger for friends and co-workers telling me what a difficult person I am... so it's no surprise I'm uncomfortable and anxious around others, basically something in me is waiting for the next telling off by others.

This certainly explains why I haven't been able to really accomplish the meditation...


It also explains the constant sense of people aversion beyond just the usual overload... the mere image of a person causes revulsion to arise. Which is essentially aversion to the anxiety associated with another human.

Thankfully, my partner is gone for a couple of days to a seminar, so the opportunity to completely relax is available. I've got food, water, and books... what else is needed? I can hole up and not have anything to do with another human for a few days.

Oh man, I feel better already!

It makes sense
fear does come from bad expirences.

Nothing like some alone time with a good book to make you feel better.

Discovered I could use my dog as a way to generate an affectionate feeling experience... no complications there!

Meditation went much better this am, I was able to rouse an experience of affection and abide in it for a bit, using my pooch as an image.

baby steps to the hall......baby steps to the elevator.........take things slow and remember all people suck!