Backstabbing people
How do you guys deal with backstabbers?
I live in a shared house with a couple of people who pretend to be my friends up front and yet are highly critical behind my back. One of them complained to the director of the building that I leave a mess all the time (it only happened a couple of times that I left a few dishes in the sink) and the director asked me to leave. I have a feeling that deeper issues were involved with these so-called friends.
No matter what I do, I always seem to offend someone. I've been called snobbish and such when nothing of the sort was intended.
What is the best way to deal with such people and more important, how can one recognise them?
I think people often regard me as "snobbish" and I don't mean to be. I think that I am just reserved. It can be hard to work out what people want sometimes.
I had a bit of a back-stabbing flat mate once. I didn't really know how to deal with it.
She was like that with everyone though, not just me.
If I found out that someone had said something behind my back I think that I would tell them that I would appreciate it if they would let me know if they had any problems with me so that we can sort them out. But then if they always behave that way, I'm not sure if that would work.
I think the best way to avoid it is to ask other people about the person and see what they say.
I totally agree with your view. I happen to think that not only do NTs find us strange, but they hate us for being so smart. By the time an NT figures out something, most aspies would have gone there and back.
Plus, I believe someone must be an idiot to go and backstab someone for, say, leaving a few unwashed dishes in the sink maybe a couple of times in a three month period. And this person also had the nerve to say I am very overbearing and opinionated when it was SHE who was complaining about everything in this country bothering her!
I totally agree with your view. I happen to think that not only do NTs find us strange, but they hate us for being so smart. By the time an NT figures out something, most aspies would have gone there and back.
Plus, I believe someone must be an idiot to go and backstab someone for, say, leaving a few unwashed dishes in the sink maybe a couple of times in a three month period. And this person also had the nerve to say I am very overbearing and opinionated when it was SHE who was complaining about everything in this country bothering her!
That's probably true for a lot of us, yes, but NTs also just don't seem to like people who have any sort of difference, generally speaking.
The dishes thing was a stupid excuse, nothing more. The other horrible stuff she said was probably just to try and drive you out.
passionatebach
Velociraptor
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I think that backstabbing is normal human behavior if you want to call it that. I don't agree with it, but again most people engage in backstabbing.
One of the most common topics of conversation is "people". People will say things about other people in conversation, good, bad or indifferent. The sad fact of this is that it can easily spiral out of control. As example of this is that I am on a friend's fecal list because of the way I responded to a project that we were both involved in. He was jealous of my intellect and passion for the project and managed to make some nasty comments behind my back. He wanted to be the driving force on the project, but again had problems pulling his fair share. Sadly, when I talk to people that know him, and I mention the connection, they usually come back with little or no time for me.
One of the most common topics of conversation is "people". People will say things about other people in conversation, good, bad or indifferent. The sad fact of this is that it can easily spiral out of control. As example of this is that I am on a friend's fecal list because of the way I responded to a project that we were both involved in. He was jealous of my intellect and passion for the project and managed to make some nasty comments behind my back. He wanted to be the driving force on the project, but again had problems pulling his fair share. Sadly, when I talk to people that know him, and I mention the connection, they usually come back with little or no time for me.
This is also very true. Talking about other people is commonly part of smalltalk.
A funny example of this stuff backfiring, though, was this guy at my school (who's actually Aspie, so we can be just as bad I guess) started a rumour I'd had sex with my ex-girlfriend, somehow thinking it would upset me, when instead it just made everyone think I was all cool, so I just went along with it

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passionatebach
Velociraptor
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One of the most common topics of conversation is "people". People will say things about other people in conversation, good, bad or indifferent. The sad fact of this is that it can easily spiral out of control. As example of this is that I am on a friend's fecal list because of the way I responded to a project that we were both involved in. He was jealous of my intellect and passion for the project and managed to make some nasty comments behind my back. He wanted to be the driving force on the project, but again had problems pulling his fair share. Sadly, when I talk to people that know him, and I mention the connection, they usually come back with little or no time for me.
This is also very true. Talking about other people is commonly part of smalltalk.
A funny example of this stuff backfiring, though, was this guy at my school (who's actually Aspie, so we can be just as bad I guess) started a rumour I'd had sex with my ex-girlfriend, somehow thinking it would upset me, when instead it just made everyone think I was all cool, so I just went along with it


You know, the very same situation happened to me as well. Even though my friend won a couple of awards for participation on this project, he was not well received by many of his peers by his perceived disinterest and lack of endearing himself to others. The people that have upturned their nose at me about this are his family, and a couple of real close friends of his. I am the one that was perceived to involve myself and get the ball rolling on the project, but unfortunately it was too behind the scenes to win any awards. I think that this has added into his anamosity toward me.
Backstabbers are one of the things I don't miss now that I am retired. Half a dozen times over 35 years people have done something behind my back which ended my employment so I just accepted it and moved on. If the people I worked with were willing to do that then I didn't want them as my work mates anymore.
Vanilla_Slice
I honestly don't understand why people would bother backstabbing or badmouthing someone. In my particular case, it's not like I was competing with said people for a job or anything. And I've noticed that it is the supposedly shy/timid ones who will work behind your back to ruin your reputation.
I honestly believe that people must not have much of a life to talk to the boss how you leave dirty dishes in the sink and how you are opinionated. I've known plenty of people who have made an entire mess of in the kitchen of their work/living area and who talk trash about the boss, but I would never go behind their backs and tell the boss.....unless they do something against me specifically.
I find that usually the people who act like this are not very successful in their jobs or lives. The ones who are do not have the time or will to concern themselves with such triffles.
And I agree with what some of you said, the best way is probably no contact. I have a very successful aspie friend who is the boss of a major company. He has had to deal with plenty of backstabbing people in the past and his way of dealing with all of it now that he is in his fifties is to not let people get too close to him. He also only shows up at work a few times a week (that's because he can do that; some of us have no choice) and is constantly traveling.
CockneyRebel
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