Need input on husband's "symptoms" - ADD or AS or

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Hello--I'm hoping that some of you can give me some input here. I've been married for one year to a computer programmer who is in his 40s. He's basically a kind hearted and compassionate man with everyone else, though with me, I often feel lack of empathy or emotional connection. I do believe he loves me and he tells me this, but he doesn't often express it a way that I FEEL it. That, combined with other quirks makes me feel that there may be something else going on here. He won't get any sort of couple's or individual counseling for the issues that come up in our relationship, so I'm kind of wading through this myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall. So, the things I notice are:

*he seems addicted to online chess - he can play for hours on end, often into the wee hours, even when I beg him to come to bed with me
*he's always been a night owl, usually staying up till 2 or 3 a.m.
*he seems to get semi-obsessed about topics or hobbies...he'll be fixated on something for a month or two and then move on to something else. He says it's because he doesn't like his job and needs something to engage his mind
*he has a very hard time maintaining eye contact during intimate moments and during conversations about our relationship
*he doesn't seem to be comfortable holding my hand or hugging me for long (unless he's in the mood for sex!)
*he's uncomfortable in social situations, even though he'd like more friends - if I didn't invite people over, we would never have company
*my friends and family all like him and he's pleasant and fun around other people...seems to know what to say to carry on a conversation...but with me, conversations often end with me feeling offended or hurt
*he seems to have problems with spatial stuff...like knowing how to turn a couch to get it through the door...stuff that I can automatically "see", he can't.
*he's very intelligent about world affairs, politics, and good at writing articles, grammar, etc.
*he struggles with his programming job and usually feels that he's not doing as well as others
*he sometimes says he has trouble concentrating at work
*he cries easily during movies, but never when it's something in real life that I'm hurting about
*he has a tendency to be negative and skeptical
*he seems to give up easily on things that require spatial or motor skills..."I can't do it"...stuff that I find simple. But other things he can be very persistent, though it usually has to be something HE'S interested in, not something I've asked for help with.
*his interests are eccentric - things that are unusual, but kind of cool--I think he likes to be "different"
*he is a germophobe, and has some other phobias, too - blood, needles, etc.
*he sometimes (rarely) has panic attacks
*he's a very cautious person and tends to catastrophize
*he's addicted to sweets, but is trying to cut back
*he has OCD tendencies
*he sometimes repeats himself, a little more so than others, but not a big deal

So, if any of this rings a bell, I'd love to hear your input. I feel like my buttons are getting pushed and I end up angry and upset far too often. This is not how I normally am, and it's really worrying me. I'm someone who tends to get along well with people. A lot of the issues I mentioned aren't really a problem for me, but the lack of empathy and support hurts, I'd also like a husband who's willing to lie in bed with me at least sometimes (when I'm actually awake!). If I can figure out what's really going on here, it might help. Thanks in advance and sorry for the long post!

I prefer to call them traits.

Wow, that sounds like me.

Rakshasa, do you have a diagnosis, or do you think that these are just a grouping of traits that he (and you?) happen to have?

Your man is an aspie, three quarters of the things on that list apply to me and the rest are 'maybe'. Now what you need to do is hang around here for a while and (hopefully) you will begin to understand the aspie mindset. If you have questions then feel free to ask them on the forums or send a private message to one of the members. We're here to help.

Now the good news. As an aspie your husband:

1) Will probably be incapable of lying. I've tried it and it's so damn obvious that I'm telling lies that EVERYONE knows.

2) Your husband will be loyal and will trust you. To a lot of aspies cheating does not come naturally.

3) Your husband can probably set up the new DVD recorder out of the box without a manual, we're normally good at technical stuff although I find it unusual that he is struggling with the computer job.

Stick with him, it's going to work out but he WILL need your help now and again.

Vanilla_Slice

He's a bloke

This is the problem:

There are "diagnosed Aspies"

and "undiagnosed Aspies"

Even who someone who admits to the diagnosis who won't get counseling can be incredibly destructive in a relationship. If he will get some kind of help, so he can realize that he is hurting you, you're good.

Otherwise, can you really imagine spending the next 40 years of your life getting "unintentionally hurt" like this? Read about "Cassandra Syndrome". It's a list of what happens to significant others of people with AS who will not get help. (No offense to those of you with AS who have had significant counseling--I know several of you and you're wonderful people.)

Any of you who can tell her how you got motivated to get help, please chime in.

Also, if he won't get help, you need to read, "22 Things" by Rudy Simone, and decide if you want to stay. You're still probably in the honeymoon period. Without some kind of counseling (even reading books) this is only going to get worse. A LOT worse. And he'll blame you.

Thanks, all. I'm currently feeling pretty overwhelmed. I hadn't even considered AS as a possibility until my husband's sister (whom I rarely see) mentioned briefly that she thought my husband's older brother has AS. I don't know him well, so couldn't give my input. But it got me thinking about my own man. I've mentioned the possibility of ADD to him in the past and he basically ridiculed that. And it's true that not all the traits fit. But I feel like there's "something", and that's how I found this forum. From your responses, though, I don't know whether to be encouraged or frightened! I already have some chronic health issues that are worsened by stress and I'm worried about the effects of this relationship stress on my healing. However, my husband is a good man and there's a lot we have in common as well. Those were the things I married him for. I will be hanging around here to try to learn more.

Question: is procrastination an Aspie thing? What about lateness? I'm someone who likes to have things done ahead of time and likes to be at engagements early or on time. He leaves things to the very last minute and we inevitably get to functions late, unless it's something that's important to HIM. His mother tells me that his father is the same way. This can be pretty crazy making for me, and no amount of explaining the effects of his behavior on me seems to change it.

Also, if I wanted to go talk to a therapist or psychologist to get help in dealing with this, what sort of therapist should I look for? I don't feel like I'm ready to broach this with my husband. I'm pretty certain that he will immediately discount it.

Thanks!

the OP said he wont agree to couples or individual counseling, so i doubt she is just looking to change him to her way of thinking. couples counseling is about working on the issues and finding resolutions together.

my SO is aspie and many of the traits you list apply to him. the procrastination/lateness as well, and thats because its hard to get him to do things he is not really interested in. he will be half hour early to the latest sci fi movie he wants to see, but its like pulling teeth to get him out the door to make it to my sisters christmas party. some people are like that, its just exaggerated with many aspies.

living with an aspie can be really hard. we didnt figure out my SO was an aspie until recently while our son was being diagnosed. while ive learned some about his motivators over the past 11 years, figuring out the aspie thing explained a lot more and has made our lives more harmonious. it can be frustrating trying to relate to someone when they dont respond/react like you expect a neurotypical person to. when you can figure out how they think, and can then predict their reactions, whether you have a diagnosis or not, it makes things a lot easier.

you might try to get him to humor you and take an aspie quiz like the one at http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php
it wasnt until i got my SO to take that and he saw his results that he really started to consider the idea.

I had the relatively horrible experience of going to a therapist when I thought my aspie relationship was ending.

The therapist revealed that she didn't think that AS, NT folk should date each other, even though she treats Aspies!

I'd go to any therapist who claims to specialize in treating AS, and tell them you're getting a divorce and you're relieved---and then see what they say.

(Needless to say, that's not where my aspie is going to get therapy.)

It is really important you go to a therapist who really "gets" what aspies do. Also, books are really helpful. As I said earlier, "22 Things" is really good....a lot of the other books are so negative, that I would avoid them.