1st post - overstimulation triggers

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Hello -
This is my very first post.
I am 44 yo M in the US.
I have been diagnosed with everything : bi-polar, depression, anxiety, anti-social personality, borderline personality, body dysmorphic disorder, OCD.
While I do believe I have characteristics of all the above, it is my strong belief that ALL of these things are merely comorbid conditions and/or reactions to my underlying "constitution" or should I say my experience with the world. My perceptions and how I receive information and how my mind reacts and what I do to soothe.
No medications or therapy has ever helped me. I have been higher functioning at different times in my life and right now things are terrible.
I have been on medical disability for the past 3 yrs and am living with my parents at age 44.
My experiences since childhood have cause great difficulty and instability in my life.
Drs and medication have made things worse.
I have managed my life successfully for periods of time when I was single and worked from home.
My environment was under my control and I had little outside distraction from people, noise, etc.

I never knew about AS until a few days ago when I googled some symptoms and kept reading.
I stumbled on this site after it was mentioned in an article.

My brief question is regarding triggers or overstimulation.

Here are a few that have been overwhelming and invasive to the point of great psychological trauma since I was young.

Heat (warm climate - not indoor heat)
Bright Sun
Passenger in car (where as a passenger the bumps & turns are not in my control - stops, speed bumps etc feel like an assault and jolt to my body. I brace my body and constantly tense)
Noise (especially laughter, machinery, traffic, lawn mowers)
Fragrance - perfume, laundry detergent, soaps & lotions w chemicals
Body hair - I shave constantly, I wax my rear end and back, genitals and anus - even my toes. (shaving is not entirely satisfying as the hair is still "in" my skin.
Tweezing, depilatory creams or waxing are best as the hair is released from my body. This soothes me.

Loud colors - different colors and patterns overwhelm me. I can do ok w white plates & cups or clear drinking glasses w no patterns
Labels on clothes - must be removed. Cutting them in similar to shaving - it is best/most complete if removed by ripping seems or threads rather than cutting and remnant on tag is still embedded in fabric
Tags - towels, sheets, mattresses, ELECTRICAL cords, computer parts etc
Stickers - same as above - FRUIT - stickers must be removed from fruit


That is a brief list.
My question is, is it possible to have a somewhat peaceful life if ones is able to control surroundings and stimuli?
I have gotten worse the last few years at my parents. Smelling their food, voices, phones, etc

I had a meltdown today - there was a throw rug (small carpet) at the bottom of my steps which slides around on the hardwood floor and does not stay in one place.
I try to step around it every time I go and down stairs but it is not always possible to avoid.
If I step on the rug and it slides and becomes crooked I have to bend down and adjust it.
Today the carpet slid beneath my feet and I felt so tense that I was going to faint.
I sat down and cried and punched the dining room table.
I cannot get things like that from my head when I feel assaulted...

Can I live a stress free/reduced life and be productive if I permanently reduce items that cause pain?

We are now working with a social worker to try to help find some housing assistance - I cannot function in this environment any longer.
My parents mean well by allowing me to live with them but it is making me worse.

I am very afraid

Sorry for the length post/.
I tried to organize my thoughts into some questions for feedback but words just kept coming.
I am normally more economical in speech.

** Main question - does anyone have the above triggers and have eliminating them helped you reach a place of more peace and less confusion/agitation?

thank you all
xoxo

some of this does seem a little excessive, but you could just be wired that sensitively. I concur with your opinion on most of it though. The scents and sounds, the tags, most of it. I just wouldnt shave nearly as much because body hair doesnt bother ME(no 2 aspies are the exact same).

The meltdown/breakdown, about the rug. That could be a mix of ocd with aspie. That and the body hair. I have meltdowns very much alike to you, but they arent because of a placing of something. nothing has to be in perfect order for me, you seem to care a little more about it then me. The problem I would have had is if I ACTUALLY FELL. Because I know I should have been more careful and I should have fixed it last time or something like that. I know there was a fix, and i just didnt/couldnt see/do it.

Either way, its a good first post, and gives a lot of info to digest. Maybe a little too much in some spots. Thats your literal side popping out, giving ALL THE DETAILS, when we only need the pertinent ones.(where you shave). Remember there are teens and young adults amongst us, we gotta keep it clean.(even if you were trying to be as informative as possible)

I too have been misdiagnosed several times with most of the ones you listed and some of my own. Its a hardship most people will never understand. Even some aspies who's parents were proactive will never know what its like to NOT KNOW WHATS WRONG! Its nervewrecking and debilitating. It plays tricks on your mind and all the people callling you a liar breaks your spirit.

But I say, If you're not dead, you're doing good. This game of life we play is about survival. You are surviving, you will find a way through this. It may take days, weeks months or years, but you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel soon enough.

Your childhood is over, its hard for me to say this because I too have a haunting past. It cant hurt you anymore, it can only hold you back. You/I need to let it go and work towards a new beginning. It wont be easy. No one will help you. You must do it on your own for yourself and no one else. The memories and lessons will never be forgotten, but they can be forgiven...

Keep looking for the truth and forget seeking forgiveness. Whats done is over, move on. You're on the right path now...

Welcome to WrongPlanet, and welcome to my time warp.

This sounds key for you. I wonder what drove you home into a situation where you can't control all the details in the first place?

Can you work from home when you settle into a new apartment of your own?

I'm glad you found your way here.

You sound like you know what's best for yourself, now it's time to trust yourself.

No doctors, no living with parents or anyone else. Time to find an Aspergers support group in your area to explore this?

Good luck!! !!

Thank you all for replies.

I was very overwhelmed when I posted - I have been reading for a few days and actually had no plan to actually post.
My breakdown today had me so desperate that I had to write something somewhere.

Well, how I ended up at my parents -

I was having a relationship with a woman who has been my on/off again girlfriend since I was 16.
I have trouble maintaining relationships and she is the last person who I have a connection to in the world.
We were having difficulties and it caused great stress (understatement)
I started eating uncontrollably (binging up to 10k calories a day for several months)
Gained nearly 100 LBS in a few months. I used to smoke but quit.
Took some savings and stopped working to go to a raw food retreat to relax and lose weight.
Ran out of my savings.
Stayed with parents temporarily until I got back on my feet financially and things just started going downhill immediately.

Needless to say I am back in the same boat - weight, eating out of control (cholesterol of 380)
I don't even feel like myself.
The thing is, even w my "symptoms", the AS is livable - IF I can control my environment and moods and behavior follow.

It is as if an environment w too much stimulation/things I cannot control trigger stress reducing behaviors of escaping, cleaning, grooming etc
OR destructive behaviors from inability to express/cope - eating, breakdowns, scratching to the point of scarring, mental "confusion", withdrawal, becoming totally uncommunicative etc.

I tried to describe this to a Dr as such:
An animal in a zoo not in his natural environment becomes depressed (sleeping in the corner of a cage), may stop eating or becomes aggressive - attacking etc.
Likewise a plant needs appropriate soil to blossom.
Can't put a plant in the ground with the wrong climate, wrong amount of water, wrong nutrients etc - it will wither & die.
I feel we are the same.

I guess I know the answer, but the main point of my post was to see how you guys manage w this without freaking out and feeling awful.
I would not say my experiences are awful - just different. It is my way of thinking/experiencing.

What IS awful are the psychic breakdowns (meltdowns if you will)

I would like to know how others manage without going mad.

** Also, re: details of shaving.
I apologize, but it was my first post & honestly I don't see how typing what I did was "wrong"
"keep it clean"??
There was nothing "dirty" or inappropriate about my language - I used appropriate biological words for body parts & it wasn't sexual in nature AT ALL.
I have read sexual posts here aplenty.

If some child cannot handle reading it maybe the parents should monitor what they are reading.
Thank you for your response but being told that I should watch what I write in a first post in the middle of a meltdown is beyond offensive.

It seems like 80-90% posters here are young (teens-20's) is this correct?
There seem to be a lot of threads about OT things (in my view)
Perhaps I need to find a place to discuss the negative impact of this condition rather than a social forum.

Again, I did not intend to offend - only looking for others with experience on controlling their lives.
This condition can be wonderful at times (it has been the source of my creativity and independence) but also can be deeply troubling during times of stress.

thanks for reading
(again, sorry for the lengthy post - being new and never having had a place to express myself about these things it is hard not to overwrite.
also, i read the FAQ and it states to try to be detailed rather than creating multiple topics. I have difficulty filtering and am trying to be as clear as possible so I realize I may be spending too many words)

Last edited by pency on 02 Jun 2010, 5:41 am, edited 2 times in total.

hey no blood no foul, just allowing you to see the diversity in the age groups that just click on ANYTHING written in these forums. I personally wasnt offended, just looking out for ya... there are some really uptight moms on this site that dont like constructive criticism or "foul words". Rather you hear it from me first how I put it then some crazy woman saying WHY WOULD YOU TELL US THAT BLAH BLAH BLAH

Anyways, great analogy with the animal in captivity and the flower, Brilliant even. I dont understand how people dont understand us. We work off logic, not emotion. We work around obstacles most never have to overcome. They just have no clue what its like to be us. The aggitations that cause our limitations. Allergies and intolerances to sensory overload which may be something they never deal with. Its a mad mad world...

There arent any cures, only positive coping skills. Instead of eating, you work out. Not saying starve but do some stretches and exercises instead of grabbing the soda or food for consolation. Eat smaller amounts more often to not feel as hungry.

When you're angry be mute. Dont put yourself in a position where your foot meets your mouth. breath deeper than normal but not so deep it looks or sounds wierd Count to 10. It all sounds like bs but surprisingly stops you from saying something while you still digest what they said.

Dealing with smells is difficult but if you dont care how you look to others, you could always cover your mouth and nose with your shirt like i do. Gives me kind of a filter and more of my own body scent than the overwhelming things in the air.

Lights, look down. Makes you look weak but I dont see enough of the light to bother me too much. And anyone who thinks Im intimidated by them is bluffing. Im a veteran so I know how to stand tall, it just hurts. I was also disabled by said service so I dont allow others to talk to me in a disrespectful way unless playful in nature. Gotta be confident in your own abilities.

You're a smart guy with an eloquent yet straightforward way of speaking(writing). You just need to calm yourself down, and deal with things one thing at a time. Fix one thing then go to the next. Its not gonna happen over night. Its gonna take weeks. But you're gonna get yourself back in shape, and you're gonna get your self esteem. Looking better makes everything else easy. Women fawn for you, people want to hire or work for you. People buy more from better lookers. Its an instinctual fact of life.

Hi -
Thanks for reply.
Yes, re: the weight and eating. I *know* exactly what to do. Doing is another thing at the moment - I have been out of control for 3 yrs now.
As I said, it was a bad self destructive reaction to a situation I couldn't handle.

It was more troubling because I grew up being deemed attractive and was always conscientious about my looks (to say the least), so to balloon up and be wearing sweat pants and over sized t-shirts was/is a terrifying place to be.
This has happened 3 times in my life (major depressive episodes w rapid weight gain)

Anyway, I am working on getting housing and will likely do better if I can be in a clean, simple space where I can control my surroundings.

While on the topic -
I am reading a lot about appearance and "nerdiness" here.
I have always been seen as attractive and had NO problem with attracting women.
The thing is I am not really attracted to them because I don't have anything in common with them as far as perspective and social things are concerned.

It has led to a very isolated way of living but that is ok for me.
When I was younger I was flattered by women liking me and I enjoyed physical relationships.
Ultimately they all failed and I ended up more miserable than before and wished I had never "pretended" to be "normal" and was angry at the time / years I wasted even trying.

I am wise & old enough now that I have no interest in pretending. (I'm actually not even constitutionally capable of pretending anymore)
I just want to be "content" and manage my life without going mad.
I think I can do this as long as I am true to myself and don't put myself in situations that will cause me harm.

Sorry - will try not to ramble.
It is a relief to communicate with others.
I have been hiding things or been misunderstood for my whole life.

I think your emotional honesty and frankness about your life is refreshing and wonderful.
Because that's how I am, too.

You might have more responses with specific questions, specific issues. aMaybe break down your thoughts into chunks. I noticed that
people respond more to specificity on any message board.

I have an eating disorder too. Am an emotional eater, but have really worked on it and it's improving slowly. You alluded to some trauma in your childhood. Overeating is a common response to childhood trauma. What's helped me is healing the past, coupled with studying nutrition. Raw food is a great thing to incorporate because it's pure food and makes you feel full, and you're body is getting nourishment. Can be socially isolating and not sure that I buy it for a long term diet. But it does seem to work for some people to make it their lifestyle.

Have you decided that you are definitely AS, or are you still researching/figuring it out?

Maybe that will help your intimate relationships, once you know. Maybe you can find a woman who is also on the spectrum, or someone who is willing to accept your limitations and love you as you are rather than trying to relate to you as an Neurotypical.

Also, this may sound crazy but you might try dating someone from a different culture. I've found that people from other cultures to be less demanding in ways that irritate me about Americans. Not so competitive and self-centered. That's an extreme generalization and does not apply to everyone obviously, but something that I've found to be true nevertheless. There are other problems that come up : language issues and cultural differences that require a stretch of the imagination and a willingless to be open to a totally different perspective. Just an idea, I don't know exactly what your problems with women have been but I can imagine.

Also, because of your special needs, it can't be easy to be in a relationship with you. But people do manage with effort to understand and respect boundaries and differences.

But, it seems like that's the least of your worries for now. In the immediate future, you've got to get yourself settled into a safe place so you can calm down and turn your attention to who you really are.