Anxiety is really hurting me... any advice?

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Ok, so am diagnosed with relatively mild AS or PDD-NOS (my therapist isn't big on focusing on the diagnosis, and to some extent, I agree). Anxiety was a big problem for me as a child (going to school was a big issue for several years), but then it got better in my teens before coming back with a VENGEANCE when I moved away to college. I am a really smart guy, was a top student, and I (and others) put a lot of pressure on me to do something great with my life and, well, that's really what I'm still anxious about to this day. It's taken me 6 years to finally be ok with living on my own. I can keep my place decently clean, and pay my bills, feed myself, have some friends, do some reading.... and that's about it.

I graduated with a degree in philosophy. My dad is a doctor, and I've considered medicine, but that would require so much more school that I'm not ready to commit to right now. I have been semi-pursuing a career in music for the last few months, trying to find bands to play in and guitar students, but I haven't made a lot of progress. I'm thinking about going to music school in the fall, but in this economy, it seems so foolish. I don't come from an artistic family, and I am afraid they will think I'm making a big mistake, especially my extended family.

I have a wonderful girlfriend, which I am so thankful for, and a decent social life. I am relatively healthy. I have supportive, loving parents, all the potential in the world... yet I am still anxious as hell. Why??? I am slipping back into the substance abuse that plagued me in the past because this anxiety is just driving me up the wall. I know I should be practicing guitar and looking for gigs and getting ready from music school, but the anxiety is just so great that all I want to do is zone out and surf the web and watch 30 Rock.

I'm exercising pretty regularly, which helps... do I need a more rigid routine in my life? Sometimes I think that if I could really stick to a schedule, a lot of my anxiety would go away. Sticking to a fairly rigid schedule is an idea I've been batting around for years... always making promises to myself to get organized, but it's just really tough for me, especially when I'm trying to keep up a social life with friends who aren't always the best at planning.

I'm going home for a week in a couple of days, and I really want to open up to my parents about how much I'm freaking out about my future, but they just don't seem to get it. Maybe they will this time. As usual, I feel like it's do-or-die time (I've felt like most days are SOUL CRUSHINGLY IMPORTANT for several years, and even though I recognize that I was obviously wrong, I still feel that way now), and I am considering going on SSRIs if I don't see more progress soon, but I am mortified of the sexual side effects, and generally the idea that these drugs will "change me."

In summary, 95% of this comes down to how unsure I am about my future and my career and my ability to support myself, and I don't know what anyone could do to help me with that. I really just wanted to vent, but any thoughts are certainly appreciated. Sometimes I just want to join the Army or something just to have a set path... but I would feel like I was selling myself short, only because of my intellectual gifts and with no disrespect intended to people in the military. I have a great mind that I want to share, but it's very hard to support oneself through intellect/creativity alone... I have these ideals of what my career should be, but I don't know if I have the guts and stability to pursue such careers.

Thanks for reading. Seriously.

The ol' executive function anxiety attack, I know it well.

Don't beat yourself up so much feeling that you have to contribute something monumental to the world. First, humans at large will never appreciate it even if you do, they're mostly monkeys who don't care about anything unless they can eat it, screw it, get high on it, or use it to harm someone else (that's going to set off a chorus of youthful dissent, but its nonetheless true) and second, you can accomplish great and wonderful things throughout the course of your tenure here simply by graciously influencing people and events as you pass through life - not out of conscious design, but just by being the best person you can be. The most important things you do in your life you may not even be aware of - a kind word or some small neighborly assistance may have effects that are ultimately so many degrees removed from you that you are never even aware of how much you helped someone you never actually met. The best good you can ever do is to try to live to do no harm.

So rather than try to figure out what you can do with your life that will give the world the best benefits of your gifts and abilities, try to find something that you love - something that makes you feel whole, and calm and gives your life a comfortable center - and do that. If you are happy doing what you do, and surviving without all this panicky anxiety, then positive effects will flow naturally from that, even if it's making Transformer statuettes out of driftwood.

Yep, agree with Willard.

On a different note I find myself in my 36 year battling anxiety once again. But it is not born of being afraid of the world, it is that the world will be afraid of me, and so invalidating my experience. I am still coming to terms with my recent AS dx.

Anxiety is for a reason. It exists as part of a primal function associated with survival. When you can't "turn it off" something in your life is strongly telling you that things are not as they should be. Take some time to think alone. If I had your lifestyle, as good as it sounds on the surface, I would have a meltdown from all the stimulation and "noise". it is time to think of you.......and nothing else for a minute. Everyone can get along without you being "present" all the time.

A couple of quotes comes to mind:

"Anticipate the difficult by managing the easy" Lao Tzu

and:

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” Lao Tzu.

There are medicinal ways of managing anxiety, but to me it sounds like you are going through what I call existential angst........the times of our lives where we ask the big questions, and seeing as there are no real answers (Who am I? Where do I belong? What does it all MEAN?) it keeps going in that continuous loop to reach a logical conclusion. There, unfortunately, isn't one.

So, here is a radical suggestion, make anxiety your friend. Make anxiety the barometer of things that need changing so you can lead a more joyful and meaningful life NOT based on others expectations of you.

Take very good care of your precious self and good luck.

Mics

Yes, yes, and yes again! I went through what you are going through now (and still am, to some extent) and had to finally come to the above conclusion after many years of worrying about my "contribution."

In my own philosophy, every one of us is here for a reason, and it may not always be apparent immediately. I have two degrees (three if you count my A.A.) and while I'm planning on teaching, who knows what else may present itself? Life is full of unexpected twists, some of which lead to pretty incredible things.

So yes, find what you love. You mentioned guitar--electric, acoustic, bass or some of all of these? My bf and his brother play guitar and write songs, but their music careers are still works in progress. I've told them repeatedly not to give up on what they love, and that's what I'm telling you too.

Who says you can't enroll in a music program because your family isn't "artistic"? Who says you can't be the first?

There are far too many "oughts" and "shoulds" in this world, and most of them don't help. Sadly, they've been programmed into most of us since childhood, and deprogramming isn't easy. I just spent the last few days feeling profoundly anxious about my own "oughts" and "shoulds"--believe me, I know how you feel.

I hope this helped somewhat. The best advice anyone can give is: find what makes you happy and embrace it completely. More often than not, btw, what you love is exactly what you're "supposed" to be doing anyway.

i second this. and yes, routine might help.

From your post it looks like you've got most things sorted apart from the career so here's a thought.

Why worry about things you cannot change?

Sure, you can be concerned about things where you have a direct influence but the rest, forgetaboutit!! As an example I don't worry about the financial crisis because there is nothing I can do to change it or influence events, the same thought processes apply to the gulf oil spill, global warming and that big asteroid that might hit us in a few years.

As for your future career, follow your dreams and your heart. You're young.

Vanilla_Slice

I don't have time to respond thoroughly right now, but thanks so much to everyone who responded. A lot of your ideas have really helped me. It's true that I am putting way too much pressure on myself to have a HUGE impact on the world, and even though I believe I can do that, I think focusing on that is only going to freak me out.

I will respond in greater detail later!

gluten dairy free diet will in many cases get rid of it almost completely if not completely.

But mainly if you smoke weed get off it, it's like the number one cause (I should probably take my own advice one day).

You'll know after 6 weeks in most cases.

RT@Willard....................(my friend) sage as ever