Transitioning a high school graduate to independent living

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I'm the mom of an Aspie, age 20. He was diagnosed at age 11, and his entire middle school and high school years were frustrating and draining. His GPA was a 4.0, but what he and I had to go through to maintain that...OMG. He has co-existing anxiety disorder, ADD, OCD and depressive disorder (all run in the family, to some degree). After high school graduation, a year ago, all my son's wanted to do is take a breather, and I supported that decision, because I did, too. He had no clue what to pursue as a major. And I also knew he was in no way prepared socially, emotionally, or functionally ready for college. He even pulled out of enrolling in a few classes at the local community college because what he had to take was "just like high school all over again."

We're now at a point where I'm very concerned, because my son's taken this sabbatical period to the extreme. It's happened gradually, but he sleeps way too much, balks at doing his chores, and his interests have become even narrower. He's doing a lot more repetitive behaviors. He's always liked being around immediate family, and says he's not interested in dating yet, or doing much of anything else outside the house. He can find a million excuses not to go anywhere, unless it's to get something he wants associated with his interests in genealogy video games & movies. He won't even follow through on the things he says he'd like to pursue (like sculpture) because it would take him out of his comfort zone. It's always too hot, too cold, too early, too late, his hair's not right, etc. He doesn't drive, and doesn't want to. The one constant is church. He loves our church, and even volunteered in the high-tech print shop they have, a few hours a week. It was a perfect, small environment, with people he knew would be kind, patient and understanding, but there's no need for help there now. He's pretty bummed about that.

I don't care if my son lives at home for years, or forever, just not like this! I don't know if he's happy, or not. HE doesn't even know. There's definitely a constant low level of depression there, and a lot of fear and anxiety about change and initiating new things. He's working with a new therapist now, a specialist in older teens and young adults with autism spectrum disorders. I've been happy to turn over the reins to her in terms of independent living and job skills, but they don't meet very freuqently, and it's slow going. I'd love to hear from both parents who'd gone through this stage already, and young adult Aspies with insight that would help me know how much to push in the most helpful and effective ways. This rut is not healthy.

Sounds like your typical twenty something male with an ASD.

Odds are that he will always live at home, he most likely won't work full-time, and he'll bounce from college course to part-time work to part-time work to college course at the behest of others, as it's probably not what he actually wants.

Let him be who he wants to be, and help him with that.

Though, if he's living there at home, best to get him to do chores and stuff; you'll probably need to make it into a routine, well, this is from what I've seen. With saying that, never throw too much at him, as that won't work at all.

I'm 18 (diagnosed at 16) and after my first year if university decided to live alone so I could do a job that would hopefully fall under my interests. So I guess I may have related input.

I think maybe the trick is playing to someone with AS's interests in a working environment. I mean, find something that they want to spend time doing enough to suffer other people. In my case, I did competitive hockey through youth and did my share of summer (away) camps. Though I obviously was not consciously working on my AS at the time, I think it really helped me develop a professional "gameface". Heck, I even spent a month at a camp where in my opinion my behavior was highly "controlled" non-stop. However, university dorms really wore me out after the 5th month

I went straight to college after my summer break & high school graduation. If you live in the dorms it cannot be "just like high school". It changed my life. I lived in a private room in the dorms where I only shared a bathroom, went to classes & joined 4 clubs in one semester. It was awesome! If your son can find a good university with a wide variety of majors and activities, he may be able to find a niche. I found doing a lot of clubs gave me relaxing ways to socialize and ways to take breaks and do work between classes. He definitely sounds like he needs a routine to keep busy.

You might want to ask about this at the Parenting Forum.

I've got a 13yo who also has AS but has ADHD and a severe mood disorder that are the real sources of his problems. He wants to do certain things but sometimes the mood stuff prevents him from moving in that direction. It's frustrating to watch because I know how well he could do the things he wants to do and how much he'd enjoy that.

You might want to encourage him to take some courses part time. He may need a slower start and more time to mature. He may gain some momentum once he's settled into school and doing well. Lots of universities have support services for him and you may be surprised at how much is out there to make it easier for him.

Wow, a lot of that sounds just like me when i finished high school, except i could drive. I'm still like that, but i did at least get a part time job that i've been at for two years. It's funny, my main motivation for getting a job was so that i could pay for my "special interest." I wanted more reptiles but my parents said that i couldn't until i got a job and could pay for them and their care myself.. So, after trying at a few places, i got lucky. So, hmmm... Maybe you can somehow give him a motivation to get a job or go to school involving one of his interests?

He's 20 and you're talking about transitioning to independent living? Well, that's part of the problem--ideally, that transition starts around the age of twelve.

You mention constant low-level depression; and I'm not surprised. Talk to anybody who works with the elderly, and you'll get the same problem: People who sit at home without many social contacts, without a job, and without much of a purpose tend to get depressed; and the way to deal with it isn't to pop pills but to find purposeful activity.

I think one thing that's important for him to know is that he doesn't have to choose his entire life's destiny right now; he only has to make arrangements to support himself. That may make it less intimidating for him.

You should get together with him and make a list of the stuff he needs to learn before he can live on his own. If he can work, he should get together the skills required to work; if he can't, he needs to apply for disability income so that he won't need to live at home and won't be unsupported if something happens to you. (And if he can't work, he should probably be figuring out things like volunteer work, so that he can do something interesting instead of sitting at home and getting more depressed.)

It might take a few more years before he can live independently; but he should be gradually getting more and more independent during that time--doing his own housework; doing his own shopping and cooking; arranging his own transportation; paying his part of the bills and keeping his own budget; eventually living independently under your roof, so that it's not too much of a jump to do the same thing in his own apartment. If you need a therapist to help arrange this kind of thing, don't hesitate to ask. In this case, a social worker or occupational therapist would probably be your best bet; they tend to work with transition planning most often.

Oh, and bring him here, if you can. Lots of us are dealing with the same issues, and we can probably share tips and experiences.

It sounds like he needs a purpose in his life. And to be honest it is rather silly to be trying college until you have a purpose. After all, college prepares you to get a career, and what that career is depends on what you want to do in life (i.e. your purpose). So, I would encourage him to spend some time and think what he wants to do with his life. What does he want to accomplish, what does he find interesting, what are his strengths?

Purpose is what drives people to go out of their comfort zones and take risks. If your child doesn't have a purpose behind getting a job or an education then it will be nothing more then an unguided, unhelpful, unwanted experience. So, he needs to figure out his goals first, then go from there.

I couldn't wait to get out of my family home.

I am a senior in college, and hold down a part-time job. Most of the time I live 1,000 miles from my family, something some of my NT friends can't do. I have plenty of Aspie moments, but I find other ways to compensate. For the most part, I live fairly independently.

Aspergers probably has little to do with living independently. My NT sibilings are college age as well, and live far away. My mom lives near Buffalo, while my sister's school is in North Carolina, and my brother's near San Francisco. He almost never comes home. We all love our mom, but we are going our own ways in life. It's just how we were raised.

I think part of it is that all three of us are ambitious people. I haven't a clue what I'll do yet, but I sure as hell try in school and my job. I want to be the master of my own universe. It's the drive that moves me forward.

If I didn't have that drive, I may live similar to your son. I can't say for sure. What I am saying is that I am motivated to rise beyond my circumstances, to take charge of my life. Many cannot do that, and that is fine. But ask yourself how much of your son's situation is his ASD/OCD, and how much is his character. It may be that he has a simple lack of confidence living alone.