Which Social Skills would you Focus on First?

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So I'm sort of an unusual case in that somehow I have been able to overcome many of my AS traits by concretely and conciously teaching myself social skills over the years. It gives me a bit of an advantage in that I am not only incredibly self-aware but I am able to recognize and correct behaviours that would previously have interfered with my ability to fit in on a basic level and get along in the world. Mind you, I'm not perfect at this and at times still get perplexed by some social situations, so I am trying to be as modest as possible when I say this and let everyone know that I'm not an expert, but I do have some knowledge.

AS cannot be cured, and I am very much against a cure, but I do believe that once a person is very simply and concretely aware of their social errors, they are more likely to have these errors fade with time. Of course, with the central coherence and generalization difficulties that come with AS, the emphasis would be on identifying the errors while the person is in the situation through as much practical experience as possible. I guess what I'm trying to say is that since I can see things from both an AS and NT point of view, I'd like to help other people with AS with their social skills...provided they want the help, of course.

The people that I have met on the spectrum, however, have many areas of improvement when you look at their behaviours closely. It's not something as simple as: "Okay, this is the only thing you have to work on, then you're good". Often, it's a number of things they could work on. We're talking about behaviours that are likely to make people disapprove of the person or make them stand out in a basic social situation.

I guess my question to the forum is...if you or someone you knew was given this sort of therapy, what behaviours would you work on tackling first? In other words, what would be the most crucial behaviours to eliminate if you're going to be focused on fitting in on a basic level?

Cure sensory issues. Just get rid of them. They are the biggest frustration in my life.

Learn appropriate greetings. Make some attempt at eye contact.

Learn things to say to keep a conversation going.

Learn to ask questions to people.

Read up on the news so you have something to talk about.

Learn to understand that other people have different points of view.

Think before saying something whether it would be taken as an insult or is inappropriate.


Sad thing is I do have awareness about myself but I just can't make improvements because the environment is so chaotic and everything just sort of speeds up and I never get to say what I want to say. And I never have time to choose my words carefully.
And sometimes I guess I just don't notice it until it's too late.

I think the very most basic things would be posture and eye contact. Teaching the importance of standing up straight and looking people in the eye (and how to fake it) would have to come first. The slouched posture and shifty eyes common to spectrum people make neurotypicals dislike and distrust them from the very start.

Next in importance would be the inclusion of the ritualized utterances of social interactions: hello, goodbye, please, thank you, I'm sorry, I love you. It seems many dispense with these, or angst over whether they "feel" them, or think saying something once means they never have to say it again. Also teach them to say "fine" to "how are you" type questions, since too many Aspies overthink this.

I'd also recommend a few books: Dale Carnegies' "How to Win Friends and Influence People", "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" by Judith Martin, and "What Every BODY Is Saying" by Joe Navarro.

Last edited by arielhawksquill on 29 Jun 2011, 8:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

How to tell if something is a bad thing to say in a situation.

^^THIS^^

It is my opinion that there is too much focus on social skills and not enough focus on the REAL issues. It is also my experience that if you take an autistic person and reduce the symptoms that cause us distress that we are actually a more polite and empathetic group than most NTs. We don't need to "learn" social skills until we have addressed our basic Health needs (including comorbids), have confidence and learn self-awareness.

THESE are the skills to focus on if you are going about to "teach" the autistic population as a whole...

Eye contact first of all. Looking at the other person while talking to them (or as they are talking to you) shows that you care (or so they say). Secondly, keep with the flow of the conversation. Don't jump in with a random comment that has absolutely nothing to do with what is being talked about. Lastly, don't interrupt when another person "has the floor". It's rude.

For some people might it be AND BOTH? Experiment with/work on/add skills on BOTH social skills AND ways to deal with sensory issues.

And I still think so many situations in life are about engagement, not conformity.

Gentle leave-taking skills, how to bring the conversation to a close.

For example, about ten years ago, at what was then my new apartment complex, it occurred to me, no one knows each other. Neighbors are kind of afraid of talking to each other because they are afraid of getting bogged down. So, I came up with my method of just keep walking. "Hi, how are you today? Hey what did you think of that thunderstorm last night?' See, with this approach, in this situation, I can talk about anything as long as I keep walking.

The running late method works well too.

"Hey, it's been great catching up but I have to get back to the office/have lunch/have an appointment to get to."

I forget to do this too.


My worse sensory issues are noise and visual stimuli, so I either have to wear earplugs or look away from people to be able to cope. I'm not sure if I need more exposure in a controlled type of environment or lessening these issues is even achievable. I suppose I have my meds but these can sometimes make things worse.