How to Handle A Death

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Someone I know is dying and it's unlikely that she will survive the end of the month. I am not close to this person so please don't bother with the sympathy messages, what I DO need are some suggestions about how to handle the event when it comes. If nothing else I'm likely to be surrounded by lots of people who are a lot more upset than me.

Three other points:

1) She's 93 and she's lived life to the full (including taking part in the Hungarian 1956 uprising)

2) I have the social skills of a drunken baboon when it comes to this sort of thing. This is why I am asking for help.

3) Depression will not be an issue here.

Vanilla_Slice

The only experience with death I've had recently as a caretaker is with my gerbil. Over the course of a week, she went through the full dying process of what would take a human months to years. I found this website to be extremely helpful: http://www.hospicenet.org/. Whatever questions about the dying process you have, this website can most likely answer.
As for how to handle it socially, I have no idea. If you are less upset than the people around you, then you will be a wonderful persons to have around.

Last edited by jamesongerbil on 13 Jun 2010, 10:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

Long life lived topic

I would write something about the person's life from my perspective and present it to the family as a way of honouring the deceased person's contribution to Hungarian politics/culture. I know I am always fascinated by a person's life (I enjoy reading and viewing biographies).
This is a positive contribution to family lore and memoirs, and is appreciated by most closely realted bereaved at a funeral or memorial service.

She sounds like a fascinating person.

I would say as little as possible to other mourners, there are some topics that people who cannot be subtle in conversation should not discuss, I think this is probably one.

If you have learned a way to get over eye contact issues I would forget it for a while, around a death NT people seem to avoid eye contact to hide emotion. Avoiding it yourself is a good why to try and hide the fact your are not having the right reaction, and looks somewhat normal in the situation.

I was in a similar situation recently with my grandmother and creating two lists really helped

memories that she seemed to be fond of or stories that she told often
events or thoughts that make me depressed

The first list is good to try and cheer up the people around you, or in particular the person themselves. The second is useful when it becomes apparent that you need to look more upset.

Having to create and use the second list was terrible, because we were closer and the death should have been enough, however because she had been in pain for a while and lived a long life it was not. In the end the situation is about the person dying and the people who are having a hard time, If trying your best to get emotional will help them, then its important to be prepared.

It all sounds cold and deceitful when put out like this, but I don't know not looking right in this situation can hurt people.

Last edited by huntedman on 13 Jun 2010, 11:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

The way I learned was to become a member of the Chavurah Kadesha (The Jewish Burial Society). We prepare deceased people for burial. This means washing the bodies (when contagious disease is not an issue) and dressing the corpse in a plain shroud and placing it within a biodegradable coffin. It was a bit hard at first, but after a while one can become used to being near and handling dead people.

ruveyn

Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. Just your presence at someone's death is enough to show you cared about the deceased person. Just be pleasant and polite as you offer your condolences to those who will be the most tearful is all that is necessary...or prehaps speaking of a special time you remember and shared with this 93-year old woman in the past.

Most people are uncomfortable at funeral homes and the grieving dislike those cliches...

What you have to realize is that grieving is a process that takes time, and there are certain stages to the grieving process, and everyone goes through the grieving process at a different pace and in a different way. The stages of the grieving process as I understand them are (1) Denial (2) Anger (3) Bargaining (4) Depression and (5) Acceptance. Some people regress and take steps backwards, but in the end everyone goes through something like this. So although I'm not sure your question is aimed at how to handle the grief within yourself or how to handle other grieving people around you, you must understand that everyone will be at some stage in the grieving process, and perhaps this understanding will help you deal with the situation better. My sincerest condolences, and best of luck.

Thanks for the replies folks. From what I have seen so far Huntedman and Zsazsa seem to have it about right. This lady is not a relative and not a close friend, she is just somebody who I know via a girlfriend from a long time ago. I'll deal with it, although my knowledge of funeral etiquette is somewhat lacking.

Vanilla_Slice

From my observations, part of funeral etiquette is to talk in a hushed voice when you are talking about the deceased person, and put your head down. And talk in a hushed voice in general when you greet all the people who are grieving for the first time after the death.

oh boy, faking funerals... I hate doing this when i have to. Its worse if your a relative.. umm tips.

Situational awareness, you aren't a relative or even close friend, so you will be expected if approached by family members to give "condolences", simple "Im sorry for your loss", if you go in with your friend, you'll be expected to stick with that friend, so you dont have to approach anyone, talk much or do anything but look abit sad, No one jokes at funerals usually, so 99% of what comes across as a possible joke, is not a joke............... small nods at appropriate moments are good, but only if they speak on something you know.

common stuff said at funerals by people. (usually not visitors who didnt know the deceased well)

"He/She had a hard life" slight understanding nod to this is generally acceptable.
"He/She had a good life" , either a very slight smile (if you can do understanding smiles, if in doubt don't) or "thats a good thing." (try and sound softly pleased about it)

"He/She was a wonderful person." (if you didnt know them, DO NOT say this.) if you have heard someone else say this then you can "<person> said as much." with a slight agreeing nod like you believe it.

Anyone that says something "bad" about the deceased as a person, keep a bit of distance from or at least try to appear like you are, being drunk at a funeral is a total no in most places.
A relative says something like "she was a wonderful woman.. but she was terrible at pokers"(or similar) is trying to lighten things up, DONT laugh, do a gentle smile and say "I didnt know her well at all."

"I didnt now her well at all." tends to be a good line said respectfully if someone is reminiscing but does not seem distraught, if someone is obviously distraught do not worry, one of the family will handle it dont stand there woodenly head down like your ignoring them, just seem attentive. and dont "spam" the "i didnt know her well at all" or "Im sorry for your loss" lines, once you've said it, fall back to the agreeing nods.

hushed tone is a must.

overall ettiqute differs from country to country so follow your freinds lead but act mostly in support of your freind.

Its amazing how cold we can seem in such things isnt it?
but then 60-90% of grieving, isnt about the person that lost their life, truthfully, its tends to be about the person thats lost the person.

I think that's why some of us handle it different emotionally.

I would agree with this...NT behavior changes in grieving situations, and I can also tell you that NTs worry very much about how to approach people who are grieving. (Being ADHD rather than Aspie, I mostly qualify as NT in the social respect--highly introverted, but good enough for government work. It's not an issue of understanding social conventions but being comfortable in certain situations and if I'm not up to some stuff, I'll dodge it.) Since it's a very uncomfortable situation and one not often encountered, I don't think you'll be alone in feeling awkward.

Also you'll get some weird reactions, things said, and behaviors from NTs under these circumstances. As an example, one of the managers I work with recently found out his mother is terminally ill. He was more defensive than normal, nowhere near as verbose, sapped of his energy, and had to ask us to repeat what we were saying sometimes because he would zone out. Each person will react differently, but in some ways some of the normal rules go out the window and just as you would like allowance for yourself when you might botch the rules, giving NTs who are acting weird while grieving a lot of latitude is a good thing. (Not necessarily "a wide berth"...that differs according to the person, but just making sure they don't feel judged or criticized for not being their usual selves.)

Talk to the people, but don't say anything about the death.

Do you really need to go? Are you perhaps being overly respectful, which of course, is an admirable trait?