How do I let people know I have Aspergers?

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Hello. I was wondering how I should explain to people I have high-functioning Aspergers.

To those who don't know me well, I appear normal but slightly off or conceited, or more commonly that I don't like them. So, I feel like I should explain to people why I can't answer "what's up" or forget to hold eye contact or am extremely straightforward. But how? I want to keep my explanation short and sweet. Any suggestions?

You could just say "I have Asperger's Syndrome" and when they ask what that is (and they most likely will), just explain that it's a mild form of autism. Tell them that that's why you behave in the way that you do.

Do you do social networking? I have a Facebook page, and I have it written in my bio section that I have Asperger's Syndrome. If you have a Facebook page or something, then you could write in your bio section that you have Asperger's.

Hope that helps.

That's a great idea about the facebook thing... but how do I work "I have aspergers" into normal chitchat? Because small talk is what I completely suck at, and most conversations ARE simply small talk.

There are some threads about this floating around here and you might want to see if you can find some to get some tips.

I think there are lots of different ways to tell someone, times when it's helpful, times when it's not. You can get yourself labeled "disabled" and ignored socially by telling the wrong person the wrong way. You can cause yourself problems at work and so on. On the other hand, you can cause the same kinds of problems by NOT telling. It depends on the specific situation. I don't think it's too hard to develop some personal guidlines about how and when to tell.

Because AS affects people in so many different ways it's hard to give stock advice. If you're the kind of Aspie who comes off as very obviously different then there's no hiding it and explaining it right off the bat may be the best option. If you don't stand out as that different, it might be better to wait till people know you. At work it can be helpful to let the Human Resources Department know in a low key way so it's on your record and if anybody ever makes a complaint about you in regards to some AS related behavior you can be protected. So, if you are the best engineer on your team, you don't want to loose your job just because you may be a bit too abrupt in meetings. Letting HR know about the AS can protect you, as long as you actually do the engineering work up to expectations.

I don't know if that makes sense at all, or helps.

I find myself wondering about when and if I should tell people about my Middle son. He can come across as extremely shy, but as he gets older more is expected of him socially. People sometimes think he's mildly ret*d because he won't talk to them when he in fact has an IQ well past the genius threshold. Sometimes he isn't included when he'd like to be because people misread his refusal to talk and lack of eye contact thinking he doesn't want to participate, when in fact he's desperate to connect to other people. So, sometimes I tell.

I'm not sure if I'm doing it right.

I don't think there is one right answer to this - because each person you interact with will react in a different way, so it involves assessing the individual situation. A lot of people don't know what Aspergers is, so telling them wouldn't be a simple 'short and sweet' thing. Other people have specific stereotypes associated with Aspergers - they might start talking to you as if you are stupid, or alternatively they might tell you that you can't possibly have Aspergers because you're not sitting in a corner rocking!

Sometimes it can be easier simply to explain behaviours rather than giving them a label. I often tell people I have a disability that makes me hypersensitive to sensory stimuli, and that if I zone out, I'm not being rude. And then if a specific situation arises, I will say something relating to that situation, like 'Oops, sorry - I take things literally sometimes!' or 'I'm not good at mincing my words'. Then people get a sense of who I am, and they know that I'm not being intentionally rude.

Times when I feel okay telling people is when they have a lot of experience with people on the spectrum, or if they have some sort of disability themselves. And sometimes just when someone seems very open minded and doesn't jump to conclusions - you get a sense of what someone is like from their interactions with you.

Mary,

What about bringing up specific behavior that they are probably noticing? If you don't make eye contact you could try asking them if that bothers them or you could try to explain how it is for you...maybe like this...

"You know, we've been friends for a while, and I don't know if you've noticed but I have a hard time making eye contact/using tone when I speak/whatever with people."

"Oh, really, I hadn't noticed (possible social lie out of respect for your feelings)"

"Well, some people seem to be bothered by it. It's important to me that you know I'm not doing it on purpose, and it doesn't mean I'm ignoring you/whatever, it's just a quirk I have. I have this thing called Asperger's Syndrome. It's on TV a lot right now and some of what they put on isn't very accurate, but I wanted you to know so you wouldn't mis-understand my lack of eye contact/flat tone of voice/whatever"


You should edit that to be more in your own words and in keeping with local standards of conversation, but I think something like that could work in a lot of situations. Just don't play it like some kind of medical drama. Nobody wants to hear about what a horrible life someone has because of some medical problem, no matter how true it is. If you play it down and keep it low key most people are going to be Ok with it, maybe even relieved to find out what's going on. They may be even more baffled by your behavior than you are by theirs.

I like the tee shirt method. Find a cute one Cafe Press. The good thing about a tee shirt is that only those who care to know will ask about it.

I use a coffee cup from there.

I kind of like this, combined with not overexplaining.

I think what you might be looking for is known as "Scripting", some of us are more rational/liner thinkers than others so it can be VERY hard to small talk because small talk is a bit like a game of tennis as opposed to chess.

sadly as others have said its almost always situational so stock answers wont really work you may have to put up with being misinterpreted if the person isnt someone your going to regularly interact with, as hard as it is and as much as i hate it, often i lie through my teeth to sooth someones feelings.

Them: "whats wrong?"
Me: *Fake a slight stress signal like rolling the shoulders a bit as though stiff, and or pinching the bridge of my nose* "oh, sorry.. its nothing, just stuff on my mind right now, you know..<insert plausible work/home/life>."
Them: ah/oh ...<mostly irrelevant comment, unless comment is "well try to leave it @ <work/home/life>." (in which case the answer is "yes"/"sure", or "sorry to hear that", in which case its "thanks... anyway..<diversion question or statement".>
Me <in the case of offer to help/listen>: Thanks but you now, dont want to go into it right now.. <diversionary question or statement>.

DO NOT ever issue a 'traceable'/'questionable' lie in this case.
"my <random relative that might not exsist here> died." (unless its true that they did)

Yes, i know, it sucks, it sucks alot, its called "social engineering" a fascinating subject that's sadly usually used to con people. but then our NT brothers and sisters are sometimes so fragile deep down, validation is a big need for them and they tend to get it via social communication.

when someone see's aloofness or conceit, whats really going on is it makes THEM question their own validity, hence, they tend to challenge the source of it.
Lack of eyecontact sometimes has the addition of being interpreted as deciet (you cant look at them out of shame) or sometimes comes across as inattentiveness or snobbery (they think you think your too good to look at their lesser selves).

re: actually telling someone when its important to tell them (context and situation is important here).
a line that appeals to me is

me: "you know Einstein seemed a bit of a crank, a bit weird?"
Them(in most cases): "yes"/"yes but whats that got to do with you...<insert verbal strike back or self defense>?"
me: he had aspergers syndrome, so do i, that's why i come across abit.. <insert abjective they used to describe you>


Honestly, good luck.

I'd wear a T-shirt that says, "Aspies do it, with precision!" If someone asks what the shirt means, I'd tell them a short description of AS, including the part about average, or above intelligence, and than tell the person that I have it.

I dont usually bring it up unless someone else does first which isnt too uncommon. I tell people when they ask me things like "why do you constantly figit with your hands?" or other similar questions. I used to talk about it more but Ive been told that other people find it weird. Most people wont understand when you tell them anyways and usually do not want to hear about it unless they also have a psychological or neurological diagnosis. Some people I know tell me they often get asked about me. I play in a rock band and the other members of my band have told me that when we have played at bars and other shows the manager or another employee comes up to them and says something like "That guy is way too f***ed up to be here" and they will have to explain to them that Im not intoxicated.

I think that a person is a package. How are you on the whole? Good? Then don't worry about it. People are far more concerned with your actions. No matter the reason, if you consistently do obnoxious things, no one will want to be around you. Never front load an excuse (or what would, at least, look like an excuse).

Being straightforward is not rude. Just be able to fully justify your stand. Truth is what matters...so long as it can be helpful. Stating the obvious repetitiously and with negative intonations is whining or nagging. That is rude.

Concentrate on being just and good. Find your passion...make a career from it....help others through it. Nothing else matters. You will find those who believe in the same principles and true friendships and romances can form from that. Most romances fail because they are attempts to fit in to the situation instead of being true to themselves...and so...their partners.

NO...NO...NO...Don't go around telling everyone you are an Aspie. If they see you as that package and see a positive balance, they don't mind being with you. If you are obnoxious, no matter the excuse, they won't. Again, just concentrate on being moral.
Those that don't think morals are important, you don't wish to be around. People with built in excuses tend to rely on them. A person of integrity doesn't say anything, not out of shame, but out of honor.

I have kind of taken the approach some of the others have mentioned in explaining the specific behavior that comes up in the situation: I'm not very comfortable in big groups. I'm look like I'm not listening to you, but I really am... that's just the way I look when I'm concentrating. Sorry, I know who you are, I just have trouble recognizing people. Yes, I knew it was a joke, I just didn't think it was funny. Etc. People already think I'm "weird" so this doesn't really tip the scale any further in that direction, they just add it to my list of "quirks" (or choose not to believe me, as sometimes happens).

Why? I started "explaining" a lot more after I realized that the reason I was getting negative reactions was because how I was acting was not what they considered "normal." It took my a while to figure out all the things that weren't (still learning). I'd already started doing this to some extent before I realized I have Asperger's, I just increased it. I don't usually tell people I have Asperger's/think I have Aspergers unless I know them well (and sometimes not even then). The reason is, everybody I've ever told in person (just my immediate family, ex-husband, and a friend or two) who I talked to about it when I was first discovering it, reacted very negatively. They didn't know anything about it, or they only vaguely knew that it was somehow related to Autism (then pictured very extreme causes or Rain Man). Even when I explained it they would only insist that I was "different," or "unique" or "why do you have to use labels" or "nothings *wrong* with you". A response I got often was, "I always thought you just didn't like people." Part of this may be due to the fact that others in my family also have a few Asperger's-like traits so the response is essentially, "if you are saying this means you have Asperger's, are you claiming that so-and-so does?". When people don't know what Asperger's means, it doesn't help them much. I even sent one of my friends a chart from this site listing various aspects of Aspergers (of which I fit all but 1 item I think) and they still wouldn't accept it as a condition. It's not something I try to hide, per se, but I think it might only be useful to tell someone who knows what it is, or who you know well enough that they already accept you (in which case they may refuse to believe it). Otherwise you may just be shooting yourself in the foot.

Personally finding out about Asperger's was very relieving to me in many aspects, I mainly saw my discovery as a more positive thing because it helped me understand a lot of the social issues I've had all my life and continue to have. However, many other people don't see it that way if they don't know anything about it and it may not be a helpful to you.