The "Disappearing Act" Revisited-- It happened AGA

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Fellow denizens of WP, recall my post from a few weeks ago titled "The Aspie Glossary." Some people found it offensive, which is beside the point. One of my "definitions" was as follows:

Disappearing Act: When a Neurotypical you’ve known for a very long time, often a matter of years, and have supposedly grown close to, “drifts away” with no explanation: they stop returning phone calls and emails and you eventually feel too awkward to keep at it, so you let it go. If you do run into them again, you may very well spend hours catching up, but even if they then say “We have to get together again and keep in touch!” they almost never do. There are various excuses given for the Disappearing Act if the Neurotypical is confronted: They’re busy, their life is too complicated, they’ve moved away and made new friends, etc. etc. About 90-95% of Neurotypical people you befriend will eventually pull the Disappearing Act, which
is why it is recommended to never take relationships with Neurotypicals too seriously.

This ensued a lengthy discussion between me and another member of the forum. I expressed frustration that people do this and said that it's not okay, and that's it a clear indication the "friendship" didn't mean that much to the other person. The other poster disagreed and said that he would rather remember it for what it was at the time. I say why bother, and that there's really no excuse for the Disappearing Act.

Well last Sunday was my birthday. On Saturday night I ran into one of these so-called "old friends" at the gas station down the street. This individual and I worked together, and her four children were like the siblings I never had. She's just drifted away with no explanation, as described above (stopped answering calls or calling me back). When I ran into her, I chided her good-naturedly for not remembering my birthday (although I was actually quite hurt by it), and she said we'd have to get together soon, she'd call me.

Haven't heard a thing. Big surprise.

One of my best friends growing up was born the day after me. He used to get in touch with me pretty reliably on my birthday, but not so much the last couple years. So I call him on his birthday, and leave a message. Heard nothing from him. I figure the guy's real busy, works in a hospital. I don't hold it against him. He lives about 50 miles away but comes down to where I live (where we grew up) sometimes to see family and friends down here. And a few days later, bam! I run into him at the corner deli, with one of his friends from around here that he was going boating with. THE GUY WAS IN TOWN AND NEVER EVEN CALLED!

Why do people do this? Why is this considered remotely acceptable conduct? If there's some big life's change or incident, yeah, I can understand not wanting to be friends. But that's never been the case. There's always been no explanation.

Don't mistake my rants for being angry. It's hurt. Because no one seems interested in having me as a friend. Everybody, it seems, is disloyal and disingenuous. You can say that's harsh, but actions speak louder than words, and that's what it seems like to me.

And for the record, I have no experience with other Aspies, I have heard they do it too. But I equate this with NTs because we take things seriously and they don't.

Actually, my aspie is currently doing this.

It's not an NT thing.

It's not at all an NT thing. I'm an Aspie, and I've done this on a regular basis. Friendships mean very little to me, and I get very irritated by needy, clinging people who fall apart when you don't remember their birthday. Just pick up the conversation next time you see the guy/girl and move on when there's a pause. This is really why I dislike friendship.... it's WORK catering to people who get offended by every little perceived slight, and who demand regular contact, and I never know what I'm supposed to do next and when I'm being offensive. Honestly, it's exhausting. So let's enjoy this conversation, then go have a nice life.

that happens to me all the time! infact, i cannot recall even ONE person who has NOT done this to me, i hear that this person will be in town, ask them to drop by and they never do.

thats why i quit facebook, all my so called "friends" were NTs who pulled a "disappearing act" on me.

im in the white pages, come find me

they would post an "event", i would RSVP for it and it always got cancelled, rescheduled, or moved elsewhere and i would look like a jackass when i got to (example) the bowling alley and found none of my "friends" there.

You hardly ever get a sensible explanation when a supposed friend decides to stop seeking you out. I guess the honest explanation woudl be too hurtful and might unmask the dark motives of the deserter.....probably something like "you're not bad, but I've found some more interesting people, so I thought I'd trim out the dead wood."

On the other hand, if you can bear the risk of being told to p*** off, it sometimes pays to be a little more proactive with wavering friends. Sometimes I've found they seemed to have been waiting for a call from me, while I was leaving it to them. I've got at least two friends who I'd probably never see if I didn't ask them, and neither of them seem to be trying to get rid of me, as judged by anything else but their passivity about getting in touch.

I've also "lost" internet friends by just stopping, though I've only done that when I've felt engulfed by their demands - it just happened on a musicians' website, it was a combination of unrealistic requests for vocal parts and my realtime life getting more social.......sad to say, Web friends can't always compete against friends I can touch, hear and see. But I wouldn't break off contact with anybody on the Web just because of that, if I really liked them.

I don't have any experience with this because I haven't had any real friends in about 10 years. I guess it's good to know though since I'm looking now. Thanks for the tip.

i would honestly rather be told that i have been passed over for someone better. i am so used to rejection that i have become numb to it. as much as it violates NT etiquette, i would rather have it put bluntly. "you look funny, im ashamed to be seen with you" is just honesty. i hate when people just avoid me and give the cold shoulder, im left wondering what i did wrong.

This has happened to me often. I've learned that people move on and get interested in other people and I cannot hold their attention or interest. It does hurt, it is sad, and the more you dwell on it the worse you will feel. I had a situation like this with a female friend who I was trying to grow closer to and she just slowly dropped me.

What is odd is that she works at a pub I go to on occasion and when I see her it's all kisses and hugs and let's hang out again to which I then usually remind her, "if you want to see me you need to call, I need to know you want me around." Which usually gets a look from her and she promises to do so but never does.

This has always been the case with me, I have to go after the people I consider friends. They rarely try to come find me. I began to think that perhaps they really weren't friends after all. Just people walking in and out of my life randomly. Like guest stars on a television show. Which helps it all make sense.

I've had the opposite happen.

I have a friend whom I befriended in Twelve Step meetings. We were cool for a long time while he was there. Then he moved on, got married, packed up the family and moved to Texas. No matter how far he went, he would always call. We would exchange numbers. When time would pass and I would finally call him or he would call me, he would always be like, "YOU DON'T EVER CALL! And I would be the one with the excuses. My real reason was that I felt awkward calling him thinking that he wouldn't really want to be bothered with me having moved on as he had. whenever he would come to town, I was there if he needed me or wanted to hang out.

Now I have had the NT experience mentioned in this thread. I tend to think that relationships with most people are shallow, at best, ANYway ...so...the disappearing act doesn't bother me as much, perhaps.

I have had this happen to me a couple of times. I think the dynamic of the friendship played a big part in them disappearing. I was a little obsessed with these people, and I learned later that they had skeletons in their closet and held busy lives, so the these matters kind of clashed with one another. I also think that due to my obsession, I was actively pursuing the friendship more than I should.

I recently became Facebook friends with one of the examples I mentioned above. I am not sure what to do with the connection, due to the history of the friendship. I also felt kind of ignored and put off by him, since we connected on Facebook, I notice that he mostly ignores everyone that writes him. He uses Facebook more as a networking tool, and to put out there what he is doing. But he doesn't respond when people respond to his wall posts.

I have rarely ever had anyone back out on an event, unless there has been a good reason. I know that people get sick and the weather can get bad.

Lastly, I think that Aspies want more of an active friendship with people. where as most NT friendship is actually passive. When I mean active friendship, I define that as more of a pursuiant friendship, in passive friendship, I mean something that is more spontanious. I have been involved in both type of friendships and the passive friendship seems more normal to me.

Nt or not, it is just plasticism.

Some people are plastic, not really my friend, and
I will drop them quickly like so much rubbish.

I can tell when I am not liked and I will not
hang about with these idioms.

I will drop them faster than a butt drops a poopy.

If I "run into" them, I will not recognise them,
I will not lok at them, I will just sit there
not acknolligneing them.

If they press it, I will just roll around like a tin
can on the street, and probably tell them the truth,
"I know you realy don't like me so why are you bothering?"

I can tell when someone really does not like me and
they are pretending.

Ditto.

The issue of being "clingy" is very prominent in the Aspie world, but I am most definitely certain that that isn't the case with either of these individuals. It was a problem maybe when I was a teenager, like fifteen years ago, but it isn't now. I don't appear clingy in the least, and I'm not, really. I'm not interested in people who aren't interested in me. I haven't fallen apart because no one remembered my birthday, or even given any impression to anyone that I even cared. It was just an example that people aren't really into me. That being said, I just wish there were SOMEONE out there other than my parents who genuinely gave a sh*t.

And if I ever were to appear "clingy," that's not how I see it. Wanting a shoulder to lean on is normal human behavior last time I checked. Everyone gets lonely once in a while. I have most definitely put effort into these friendships, and not been reciprocated.

I just don't understand why no one seems interested in having or maintaining any sort of real relationship with me. Especially people I have known for like twenty years. No one ever calls or writes. Why?