Intolerance and misunderstanding

Post Reply New Topic

I am currently staying on a farm as a volunteer. The person I am staying with knows about my condition and it appears to have placed a terrible strain upon us both.

A couple of days ago, my host stated that she thought I was "playing up the helpless man role". That is to say, she thinks I am pretending to get confused about comparatively simple things and making obvious mistakes. She is swiftly losing patience with me and interprets everything I do and say as an attempt to show just how autistic I am. Moreover, she believes she knows what I am thinking and doesn't like the conclusions she draws.

She is completely wrong on all counts.

I ask a lot of questions in order to make sure I am doing something right. I misinterpret instructions because I cannot help it; not because I am playing some ridiculous sympathy game. Of course, she does not know what I am thinking at any time and should not be trying to decide for herself.

I cannot raise these issues with her because I can't handle confrontations. When I was in Canada, my friends were patient, understanding and helpful. They didn't mind repeating things for me and they appreciated the things that I can do exceptionally well.

I hate being in the UK, where the attitude is always: "No you can't, no you're not, no you won't".

Anyone out there work for Immigration Canada? I want to go "home".

Who arranged your trip? If it was an organisation, you can contact them and say things aren't working out and you want to go home. They should have arrangements in place for when this kind of thing happens.

Even if you have no luck with that, you don't need to contact immigration to go back home; just go online and buy a ticket back (presuming you or your family have the funds).

edit: how long have you left here? Do you think you could grit your teeth and stick it out for the remainder of the stay?

this is so true about the uk. shame i live here!

The problem is I am FROM the UK; I first went to Canada in 2005 and fell in love with the place and the people I met. It was there I discovered I had Asperger's. Sorry, I should have explained that.

I consider Canada to be my home because life almost started making sense there. I have virtually no chance of emigrating because I have no money, no career and no credentials. At the moment, I'm drifting from place to place. I am essentially homeless.

I can't settle in this country, I just can't.

i guess it's a Europe problem then. I live in France and have the same problem with my boss (a doctor of all people!).
He keeps getting mad that I sometimes need him to explain something several times, and he says stuff like "again, you did not understand", "you never understand" bla bla bla
If only he would go straight to the point instead of explaining for ten minutes what could be said in five seconds, I might just understand what the heck he means!

now sorry but i can't help you with the immigration thing.
here Canadians sometimes come to recruit people, if the same thing exists in UK, maybe you could apply or something?

I think there is a sort of lottery you can apply for. It may take months, but at least you will have tried something.

If you are a UK citizen, then if worse comes to worst, you can always go on the dole. Though that may not help your emmigration case. You can also apply for council housing even if you are working (provided your earnings are low enough to qualify).

I've been on the dole. It is inhumanly dispiriting.

I know that I could apply for council housing, but really, really would rather die. I don't belong here and the idea of trying to integrate in such a way is absolutely mortifying. I can't look after myself and I don't even care. My family thinks I'm just being weak or stupid. I don't have much to do with them.

I suppose ultimately being the way I am will undo me. That seems to be the natural course of things.

OK, realistically though, you're not going to be able to head to Canada any time soon, so wouldn't you be better giving it another shot here in England? You don't have to stick with the same employer, but if you apply for housing and find another job, then you have something to do whilst you're waiting for a green card and life won't be as unbearable.

Visiting Canada may be different from living there. How long did you stay there for, and were you living on your own or with a family?

I got a year's visa and stayed for two and a half years. I wasn't deported; I just left. I was staying with different friends and doing volunteer work on their farms. There is the possibility that I will not be allowed to reenter Canada.

I've tried making a go of it here. I barely survived returning from Canada; it plunged me into despair. The thing is I don't even know if I'd make it in Canada. All I've ever wanted since I was a kid was to get off this planet. Maybe if I found something I cared about and wanted to settle into, things would be different. I am writing a couple of books and i might try and get a publisher interested, but it may be a little too esoteric for that.

I think i know how you feel- this year in my gym class, i had a teacher who did not understand AS at all. She is a very rough person verbally, and on our first day of class, she was impatient with me and i cried (i do this much less now than i used to, but still a little too often). She also told me to look her in the eye, and i corrected her and told her about my AS. She was okay then, until we did this unit called project adventure. It seemed that when i did something right, she would never notice, but if i made a mistake, she announced it very loudly. I am uncoordinated and not an athlete, but i was actually mediocre or slightly better at that unit. But it became so that whenever any activity went wrong, even if it wasn't my fault, people blamed me. And one of the other students began harrassing me about how bad i was at the activities. I cried for the second time during that unit, and she told me to sit out of the class and made me sit in a spot where everyone could see me with tears running down my face. After i was able to transfer out of her class, she wrote me up multiple times for not coming to class (i wasn't in her class anymore, and hadn't been for almost a month at that time- she was contacted, but never read her emails for some reason, because she never knew what was going on where i was concerned) and i got called into the Dean's office (thank god she understood). She also proctored one of my exams, and was the only such proctor to question me about bringing my diabetic supplies into the test area with me (i have type 1 diabetes). All my friends hate her too, and they are NT's, so it's definitely her.
My (unsolicited) advice is to find for this farm lady some sources on the effects of autism or AS, but if she still won't believe you, you need to extricate yourself from the situation as soon as you can. These things wear on you daily, as i'm sure you know. You don't need this stress, and she really doesn't matter. Try to remind yourself that although the majority of the world is small-minded and brutish, there are some very kind, accepting, intelligent people out there. Best wishes, ElliottJumpshoe.
PS. Can you use this woman as a character in your writing?

Elliot, if you're riding that little bike around I see in your avatar, it's no WONDER she doesn't take you seriously!!

Seriously though, what she is displaying is simple NT bigotry and ignorance. Is there a computer anywhere on the farm? Giver her some sites to look at. Though I highly doubt she'll bother. sounds to me like just a know-it-all b***h if you ask me.

Hope you aren't there too long.

I'm staying right here in Canada, than. I don't need to be in the UK, facing attitudes like that.

Can you try writing her a letter explaining yourself? Would it help if your duties were written down?

One way to diffuse an impatient, unwise person like this woman is to appeal to her ego. Don't point out that she's being impatient and making wongful assumptions. Explain what you need and why you need it. Thank her for her patience (think of it as wishing it into existence if that makes sense to you or skip that) and her willingness to accomodate your needs.

I am tempted to say, "Stay and deal with this, because it will surely arise again." But I don't know your limitations and don't want you to
get completely stressed out and completely overwhelmed.

If you are willing to stay to try to work this out, can you identify something that you aren't being asked to do but you know you could do exceptionally well and offer to do it? So that this woman can see how wonderful you are.

It is possible to turn people around, with effort.

Remember, friends can become enemies and enemies can become friends.