I think I'm an aspie.....what do you think?

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A couple of months ago, my partner broke up with me, and my closest friend told me she didn't really feel any connection with me. I was shocked, as I thought I was finally 'accepted' by other people, and had found people who liked me, and I suddenly found myself alone against the world again! Looking back over my life, I realised I'd always felt that there was something wrong with me socially, so I started to read up on aspergers, which lead me here....

I really identify with some of the symptoms of aspies that people write about, but some of the others I think, no that's not me at all. My main 'symptom' would be that I have always wanted to be liked, and always felt like I was failing at that. I never really fitted in at school, and even when I changed schoools, it would be the same...I always wondered how the people at the new school 'knew' that I was a misfit.

I quite like social situations, and meeting people, though as I get older I prefer to meet the same people again and again and try to get closer to them. Quite often in my life I have met people, and felt like we were getting on well for a while, then I would get this sense that their attitude towards me had changed, so I would back off. I was never really sure whether this was me being paranoid, or whether they genuinely didn't like me. As I got older (I'm now 33) I stopped doing this so much, told myself to stop being silly, I was just being paranoid, my confidence improved, and I felt that I now had friends. Now I'm questioning myself again, as it's turned out that the people I thought I was closest to don't want to be around me!

I do know a lot of people, I go to parties, which I enjoy, I like dancing and socialising, I actually feel like I belong in those situations. But nobody seems to want to get closer to me, I don't know if I'm giving off the wrong social signals or what it is. Nobody calls me to chat or see how I am. I occasionally have a good conversation with someone at a party or whatever, and we say 'we must see more of each other', but it never really happens. I know a lot of the time I would wait till someone contacts me or visits me because I know if they take the initiative then they are genuinely interested in me, but this has a lot of downsides, I end up with friends that I wouldn't have chosen because they are the ones who chose me, I don't feel like we have much in common and feel like I'm using them just because I want someone there. Also not many people actually do reach out to me in this way, so I don't have many friends at all. I was thinking this was all a sort of shyness and that I should make more of an effort to reach out to people, but now I'm not sure anymore.

I think there must be something in the way I act or look or talk that people don't like or connect to, but I don't know what it is. I like to make eye contact, it's actually something I look for, and I find that some people don't do it and I find it harder to connect with them. I think I might stare, I'm not sure, I don't know where you're supposed to look, so maybe I'm doing that wrong. When I'm out I catch people's eye and smile, there seems to be a warmth, a connection there, but I usually can't think of anything to say, unless the conversation turns to something I'm interested in, or I get to talk about myself. I usually think it's going well when I start to open up about my inner feelings, I think we're getting close, but then I don't hear from the person again until the next social occasion, unless they text me looking for someone's phone number or something similar. I really enjoy conversations where I'm analysing my thoughts and feelings, looking for behavioural patterns, and trying to figure out how to be a better person. This is what I'm looking for in a friendship, it's what I consider being close and intimate, so when I talk in this way to someone I feel that we are becoming close. I'm not sure that they feel the same way though. I used to talk like this a lot to the friend who says she doesn't connect with me, but she's just told me that she doesn't confide in me unless I push her to (I'd never noticed that) I want people to open up to me more, but I don't know how to get them to. I'm also wondering whether other people's 'confiding' is different from the soul-searching that I do.

I find a lot of people's conversations very boring. There's things I know I should be interested in, should care about, environmental issues, social issues, some political ones, a lot of my social circle talk about this kind of thing, and they're always posting articles about that kind of stuff on facebook. I do see myself as someone who cares about these things, I try to live in an ethical way, I buy organic food, use 'natural' cleaning products, don't support certain corporations that behave inethically, etc, but I don't want to talk about that kind of stuff. I find the conversations boring. I tend to just tune out those kind of conversations, the ones I think I should be interested in, but that I don't feel interested in. There are other kinds of conversations that I actually state I'm not interested in. Like if people start talking about tv programmes, I will tell them I don't watch tv, or if they talk about sport I'll say I don't follow sport, and don't really 'get it' that people care about the outcome of a game that some other people are playing. When I make this kind of comment I think I come across as if I think I'm superior to other people (people have told me in the past that I think I'm better than everyone else)

My 'friend' (the one who says she doesn't really connect with me) said she finds me very insensitive, that I say a lot of things that make her angry (she gave an example, we were out with a few friends and our kids, and we'd arranged for her son to stay that night at my house. He was tired and wanted to go, so I told her and some other friends that although I was enjoying myself, and so were my kids, I was leaving because her son wanted to go. I thought I was honestly espressing my feelings, and also making sure my friends knew that I wasn't leaving because I was bored of their company. I must have sensed afterwards that I'd done something wrong, because the next day I tried to make amends to my friend, by explaining that I was glad to have left early, because I'd needed an early night. However, as she explained to me later, she was appalled by what I had said, and that I had said it in front of our other friends. I still don't really understand what was wrong with what I said, I think perhaps it looked like I was trying to make her feel guilty that I had to leave because of her son. I remember at the time that it felt to me really important that I did express those thoughts, and to as many people as possible who were there so they all knew what was going on for me.)

I have definitely said things at times that even I know were inappropriate, for example at my father in law's funeral I started challenging my mother in law on the subject of her religious faith, I said something like 'I find it hard to believe that otherwise intelligent people believe something that is so obviously untrue'. I cringe when I think about that! How could I have not realised that that was insensitive timing to have that sort of conversation. At the time thought I was making an intelligent comment

I think there might be a problem with my 'honesty', which maybe comes across as a lack of tact, or something. I've always seen it as a good point, that I express directly what I'm thinking, if someone has upset me I will confront them about it, get everything out in the open so there is no hidden resentment and we should become closer as a result. I thought this was 'normal' behaviour, that some people were more open and direct in this regard, but that it was all still within the 'normal' range. I've only just started to question myself on this. I had arguments with my partner about things where I had said what I thought and he'd got angry that I was trying to control him or manipulate him into doing something he didn't want to do. He would never say what he wanted, but he'd get angry with him for stopping him from doing the things he wanted to do (which he hadn't mentioned to me). He said that I saw the things I wanted to do as more important than what he wanted. I always though he was the one with a problem with communication, because he wouldn't come out and say what he thought. An example of this, it was a mutual friend's birthday, and we'd both been invited to go out, but we didn't have a babysitter. I said I'd like to go, but that I wouldn't mind staying in if he wanted to go instead. He said no, he wanted to stay in, he felt like an early night, I should go out and enjoy myself. I questioned him, are you sure you don't mind, etc, and he said no, he didn't mind, so I went out and enjoyed the night. Later (the next time we had an argument) it came out that he had wanted to go, and was angry that I had stopped him from going out. He said that I thought it was more important for me to go than him. He said that once I had said I wanted to go, he wouldn't be able to go out and enjoy himself, because he would feel guilty. This kind of thing happened A LOT between us. I thought he was communicating badly, but now I'm wondering whether it's an aspie/NT difference. I think maybe the NT way of dealing with that situation would be to pretend you didn't want to go, so the other person could go out guilt-free. I would see this as lying though, pretending you don't want to do something when you really do, and, then feeling pissed off with the other person. I would rather someone was straight about what they wanted, then if one person makes a sacrifice for the other person, they know that this person has done this loving/caring thing for them, rather than thinking they didn't want to go anyway. I still see my way as better, more honest, but I think this is the sort of thing I might have to change if I want to make friends.

In a lot of these ways I think I could quite accurately describe myself as an aspie. inside I feel like I never really belonged socially, and outside other people seem to sense there's something 'wrong' about me. I don't think I'm a severe aspie though. I took an online test and scored 104 out of 200 for aspie, and 120 out of 220 for NT, it said I have both aspie and NT traits. Other people posting their results were getting scores between 160 and 180 on average, but someone did post that their NT friend took the same quiz and scored about 40. Does that mean I'm borderline NT/aspie? (please don't tell me to get a formal diagnosis, I have no means of going about that at the moment, so this is as close as I'm going to get, and I'd rather self-diagnose anyway) Is anyone else here in that category? Or are there other disorders that I could look up, that might be more accurate descriptions of me? The definition of aspies as wanting to make friends but lacking in appropriate social skills struck a chord with me, although a lot of people posting here seem to not really care whether people like them or not (for me, it has been possibly the single most important motivating factor in my life, which makes it ironic that I am still getting it so wrong!)

A lot of the posts I've read seem to indicate people are much more extreme than me. People write about walking about with their head down (I hold my head high), never making eye contact, stimming - I'm not really sure what that means, it's a new word to me, hadn't heard it before today, could someone define it for me please. From what I've read here I get this image of people rocking backwards and forwards muttering to themselves, completely out of touch with reality, (I hope that description doesn't offend anyone). I don't think that's me at all. I sometimes blow air out of the corner of my mouth, people have mentioned before that they thought I was blowing kisses, it's kind of involuntary. Would this be classed as stimming? Is it possible that I'm doing other involuntary or unusual body movements that I'm not aware of?

The other thing I wanted to ask about is 'special interests', which a lot of people mention.I'm very creative, and I get very involved in whatever I'm doing at the time. It can be painting, writing (poetry, songs, stories, plays, etc), learning to play new pieces of music, acting (I'm taking drama classes)....I see all these things as similar to each other, they are all expressions of my creativity, and I tend to be really focused on one of them at a time, I'll be doing it whenever I have a bit of free time for a couple of months, then I'll move on to another one of them, sometimes they can overlap a bit, like I was going to drama classes all the time I was painting, but then we started rehearsing for a play and that took over, I was practicing my lines at every opportunity and I stopped painting. At the moment I'm writing a lot. When I'm doing these things I get totally immersed in them, forget the time and anything else that needs to be done. Does this sound like a special interest?

I also spend a lot of time on the internet. I've been reading up on aspies for the last 2 days online, and that'sall I've done in that time apart from eat or sleep. I feel very annoyed with my kids when they are trying to get my attention and I'm trying to using the computer, or trying to think about something (that happens a lot in the car, they're trying to have a conversation and my mind wants to be somewhere else.) I know I should give them attention, and sometimes i force myself to, or I sit them in front of the TV, then feel guilty about that, but I feel like my head is being bombarded when it needs space to think. I don't feel like that with adults though, even when they call round unannounced, I'm happy to drop everything and sit down and talk to them. I think it might be that 'making friends' is one of my special interests, so I am always happy for an opportunity to do that. Does this sound like a familiar account of special interests? Do people usually have more than one? Do they change often, or stay the same?

I think I fit a few more of the symptoms, above average intelligence, definitely. I'm fascinated with words and I love playing scrabble (and I'm very good at it, but so is my mum, who I'm sure is NT - my dad is possibly an aspie, but I haven't had contact with him for years, I just remember my mum mentioning that he didn't really have friends, and wasn't comfortable socially), I like philosophising and trying to figure out deeper meanings to everything, and I find pop culture meaningless (although I've been watching Big Brother trying to figure out why people like some of the housemates and not the others - haven't managed to work out what makes some of them 'likeable' though.) The other thing that might be relevant is that my son's schoolfriend was recently diagnosed with aspergers, and I can not see anything wrong with him. The other parents seem to think that it explains a lot, and mention his disruptive behaviour, but I've never found him any more difficult (or different) than other children.

I dunno. You don't sound like an Aspie to me. You sound more like an intelligent NT who might be a little odd and spends too much time in his own head.

I am undiagnosed myself but the things I've noticed about myself and my past behavior are more pronounced than what you have written here. Also, you say you enjoy social situations and meeting new people. I think most Aspies would not be so keen on this. I don't know the reason for your inability to connect with others. It could be all in your own head. It could be that you subconsciously put up walls.

IMHO, you sound very much like a friend of mine. She is into the environment and being a decent person, uninterested in pop culture and the current social climate. She likes to read and listen to music and talk about deeper issues. She also has trouble meeting people like herself. Maybe you should try going to places people like YOU would go to, instead of clubs or bars or whatever.

Your "special interests" are all creative, like my friend. I tend to believe you are just an artistic NT. Being an Aspie is different. But being an artistic NT can suck too, living in the world we do.

I honestly couldn't read it all... cos I don't "care" enough to... but from the 50% I managed to absorb I would say I can agree with the above, but also argue that you might be on the right track. There is apparently such thing as having just AS traits, anyway.

Like, I wouldn't call my mum an aspie because she's irrational, bitchy, and enjoys a big circle of good friendships. She is also, however, very forgetful, a terrible driver, has some kind of learning disorder, and needs to verbalise her working thoughts a lot. My dad is another story. He's so obsessive he's been misdiagnosed (imo) with Schizophrenia, monologues at everyone about his spiritual ideals, and has a great deal of trouble empathising with anyone in a "normal" fashion. I know where I got the large portion of it from...

If your dad did have it you might have inherited some neurological components, but not all, which can turn out pretty well. I likewise have a friend, and she seems to have inherited the intellect and critical nature, whilst still being able to vividly empathise and accrue friends. It is hard to tell from one post (which I didn't even read fully) whether or not you have a complex neurological condition, but it is essentially something you know without a doubt for yourself, in my opinion. Try meeting some aspergians. I already knew one, but meeting two showed me enough to realise I was one of many.

I really want to make friends, more than anything else, which is why I enjoy social situations because I'm actively trying to do that. It's when I'm at home on my own, in my own head, that I feel like a failure socially.



I do associate with people who are into the same things. In the area where I live there is a large alternative community, and loads of people who are into the same things as me. My problem is that none of those people seem to want to be close friends with me. I don't go to clubs and bars, I go to the parties and events that these people go to, I enjoy myself, and want to get to know these people better. A lot of them have close friendships with each other, and new people who move into the area become accepted very quickly too. A lot of them are friendly with me on a casual basis, (they'll chat to me for a few minutes when we bump into each other) but I can't seem to get more intimate with anyone.

I'm also involved in drama and art classes, where I meet people with the same interests as myself. Others in the classes socialise with each other outside of class, but I have never managed to make friendships with any of them.

It is really hard to make friends in your 30s. Maybe the thing is all of these people you meet are hitting it off with others, but it is all just casual for them. It could be that your ideals of friendship are simply not theirs.

I agree with the above poster than you can have AS traits and not have it. My dad has some SERIOUS AS traits (that I myself have), but other issues are just not there.

Do you have any problems with empathy? Do you show the wrong emotions in certain situations? Do you not "get" social cues that others seem to get?

Well, some of these things you could have rectified since childhood. But I personally find myself still doing socially inappropriate things. I am 30. Go back into your childhood and try to find some specific examples for why you think you have AS.

This doesn't sound like AS to me. Certainly, you seem to have trouble making and maintaining lasting friendships, but AS goes way beyond that.

I'm not going to touch the 'i'm socially insensitive..and i love playing scrabble' part. Too many words, gave me a headache.

Have you tried some of the better online tests for apsergers (most of them are linked to this forum elsewhere)?

Wired 9.12: Take the AQ Test
Pie Palace: What's your AQ?

The above two are decent and you can compare your scores to others on this site who have confirmed AS.

I'm a bit upset that the people who replied to me don't seem to have bothered to read my opening post properly. I put a lot of time and effort into explaining myself clearly and honestly,and I was hoping for some understanding here. It seems a lot of the questions that people have asked in the replies are things that I already answered in my first post.

I don't understand what you mean by the 'I'm totally insensitive and i love playing scrabble part'....do you mean the whole of my post? I poured my heart and soul into writing that, I feel a bit offended that 'you're not going to touch it because it gave you a headache'. Maybe this is an example of 'lack of empathy', and I'm probably more used to being around NTs who pretend interest when they don't really feel it. I guess I was hoping for genuine interest here, and I probably shouldn't complain about your honesty, because I know my honesty is something I'm proud of, but that often seems to be viewed as insensitve by others.

I did mention that I'd taken an online test, and my results were in between aspie and NT. I just took another test, one of the ones that is mentioned in the post above, and scored 27 (aspies generally score 32 and above, while NTs average at 15). I wrote that I think I have mild AS and I was wondering if anyone else here is in the same position. I'm not really looking for a diagnosis, I'm more looking to understand my social inadequacies, and figuring out how to overcome them or work around them.



I agree, most people already have close friends. But I know a lot of people that I have known for nearly 10 years. They are all closer to each other than they are to me.

Go back into your childhood and try to find some specific examples for why you think you have AS.[quote]

What kind of things from childhood should I be looking for? I know I always felt different. I can remember walking around the playground alone with my head down, thinking (hoping) that someone might come over and make friends with me because they felt sorry for me.

God, the 'quote unquote' thing came out all wrong in my last post, I hope people are able to understand it.

Many aspies, like myself, prefer to keep things short and sweet. It's possible that your post might have something to do with someone's interest in psychology, or "people who are not sure if they are aspie or not", or good feelings they get from "helping n00bs", but otherwise it is unlikely anyone is going to read all of that and/or also care to a degree which satisfies your present interest level and need for discussion. Raging when people don't want to talk about your present interest is something all aspies need to get over.

Don't mistake a lack of giving a crap for a lack of comprehension. I comprehend that you have troubles which you think are related to AS, for example, I just don't think this is a very productive way of dealing with it. If you are an aspie I suggest you stop being such a sheep-wannabe, stop caring what we and those other NT's think. Research autism 'til your eyes bleed... and get back to us when you know who you are.

If that sounds like too much effort, you're probably an Earthling.

I guess what I really want is for someone to engage with me in a conversation about something I'm really interested in. I don't think I'm really a 'sheep-wannabe', but I do like talking and interacting and feeling heard and understood, feeling connected to other people.....I guess I just thought that people here would be more interested in talking about this topic, and would get into a deep discussion with me, that's what I'm looking for when I talk about wanting to make closer friendships, it's not that I'm suddenly going to act all interested in fashion and celebrities.

I know a lot of people socially who I find really interesting, have a lot in common with, and would like to spend more time with. If these people feel weirded out by me because of some way of acting that I'm not aware of, and if that makes them feel uncomfortable, then I'd like to know what that is, so I can either try to stop doing it, or explain it to them so that they son't feel uncomfortable around me.

I'm surprised when you say aspies like to keep things 'short and sweet', maybe you mean unless they get started on a 'special interest' topic. I guess this is a special interest of mine, and I'm wanting to share it with someone. I feel a deep need to talk and interact with other people about the things I care about. Questioning myself is what I enjoy doing, and it's good to find other people who've had similar experiences and feel the same way as I do.

It is helping me to read these message boards, post here, and have feedback from others. I think that's a much more productive way of dealing with it than lying in bed night after night crying because I felt so alone and alienated, which is what I was doing before I discovered this site.

We generally try to "say a great deal in few words", because we have some obsession with time efficiency... or our brief mortality. Obviously this does become saying "so much that no one can keep up" when it's an interest.

I totally understand. You'll get over it.

I've learned that connection on the level I'm expecting is impossible. It's me that's broken, not everyone else. I can sense the NT stuff that I don't have, and for that reason I love talking to them sometimes, to feel their myriad of feelings radiating and their simple thought processes tinkling around their heads. But observation is the limit of my engagement with them. Now what happens when you put two people like that together? Come to terms with the depth of that abyss.

Feel any better? xD

Hey, man, don't get offended. I understand what you are saying and your frustration. I admit I only skimmed your post as well cuz all the blocks of sentences threw me off. If you write something long, make the paragraphs smaller or something. I also go on and on about stuff I like.

I'll try to answer your questions:

1) Do you have some specific examples from your childhood that are very AS? Maybe look at these checklists and see if these examples match you: http://www.parentingkidswithaspergers.com/node/16

2) My dad's AS traits: adherence to routine, special interests, categorizing things, an odd walk, OCD, trouble focusing on more than 1 thing. For example if he is watching TV and I try to talk to him he "can't" hear me. I have these too (except for the last one) but my dad is very settled on Earth while I am not. He can understand social situations fine and he has empathy and seems to exhibit the proper emotions. I do think I got this from him though, as I take after his side of the family.

3) Did you take the Aspie Quiz by rdos? I also took the AQ test you did and scored a 28. You MIGHT be borderline. Who knows.

4) You seem to desire connection with people more than most Aspies do. I sometimes desire that but I am very happy to spend time alone and I have always been this way. I joke that my iPod and 3 hard drives are my best friends. It really is not much of a joke though.

If you have recently split up with your partner, it would make sense if you are doing lots of self-searching, questioning, etc. You have come across AS, and it seems you feel an affinity with it. That's cool. No one here can really judge whether you have AS, and no one would claim to. But I see why you're looking for answers and opinions. I'm going to speculate a bit, in this next bit, based on own experiences with agonising obsessively over whether I have AS or not. I hope it's useful, not frustrating.

Pretend, that by some miracle, you were assessed tomorrow. Imagine they told you, you had AS. And imagine they told you, you don't have AS.

What would you think and feel in those scenarios? Would it give you relief, knowing your difficult experiences have had a reason? That it's not all your fault? Would it help you understand and accept your differences?

I have had a very tough time seeking assessment and have gone through much thinking. I think that I believe a diagnosis of AS will provide me with self-acceptance. A sort of a reason for being less harsh to myself. No excuse for not making an effort, of course, no reason not to work at things, but just a softer landing place when I fail. I do not like to say this, but being totally honest, I want to have AS, because I already have the specific difficulties and feel I deserve the label to explain it. However, I'll have to see what the professionals say. I want a fair assessment, a true answer and I will accept the answer.

You might also be after this similar sort of thing. Or you might not.

I almost dislike the use of 'Neurotypical', because it doesn't appear to give space for individual differences outside of the autistic 'umbrella'. It's either you're 'in' or you're 'out'. But it is a convenient term and people here have mentioned that it is possible to have AS traits but not warrant a diagnosis, so I'll go ahead and use it...

Someone deemed as neurotypical could possibly relate better to an AS community because they are different in some other way and feel the same pains of exclusion and misunderstanding that are common with those who have AS. (And they might also celebrate their positive differences with those who have AS.) Those who have had a diagnosis since they were very young, might not have the same experience of self-searching, working out whether AS 'fits' and the turbulant journey that can be. Just as 'NT's' need to consider the difficulties of having AS, those with an AS diagnosis need to consider the difficulties of 'NT's' who are finding life equally as tough, but have no diagnosis to help them understand.

Blue, I pm'ed you last night. Wasn't sure if you'd notice because it's not very visible to see when you have a pm waiting.

I don't really want an official diagnosis, I don't believe they would tell me anything more useful than I can work out by myself (and I've never really trusted authority anyway!) I'm fairly confident at this stage that I have both aspie and NT traits, so I'm not a full blown aspie, but I still have a lot to gain from this site.

I identify with a lot of things said on these forums, but I have noticed that most people's AS seems much more severe than what I have. I've also found some of the replies made to my posts to be a bit rude and insensitive - that's the response of my NT side, I guess - even though I appreciate the honesty of people saying things like 'I just don't care enough to read all of your post'. My inner response confirms to me that I have a bit of aspie and NT in me.

The reason I am here is because I'm looking for self-understanding. I don't want to put a label on myself and use that as an excuse to stop trying to improve myself. I have always been trying for self-improvement, it's one of my main goals in life.

If I am socially inadequate, I want to learn to overcome that. I don't mean trying to become something I'm not, or to be false or anything. But I don't want to upset people or offend them. I want to understand how and why I offend people and learn to express myself in a way that I still get my point across, but don't upset people in the process. If there's some social language that I don't understand, I want to learn it, just as I would learn a foreign language if I went to live in another country.

I have identified myself as 'part aspie' and I am learning from reading stuff here what it is that aspies do that is different from NTs, so I am learning what it is that I do that is different from the norm. For example, I just realised that I stare at people across the room, and that I sit with my arms and legs crossed when in conversation. I didn't know until yesterday that 'normal' people didn't do that, and that I am conveying some message by doing that that I was unaware of. Now I will try to stop doing that.

I'm sure I do loads of other things like this that I don't know about, so hopefully I will discover what they are at some point on this site (if anyone has a list or anything could they point me in the right direction)



Good point. I'd forgotten that a lot of aspies were diagnosed as kids, I was kind of assuming that everyone here had gone through what I'm going through now. I can now understand that the person who posted 'go away and come back when you've figured it out' or words to that effect didn't mean to be offensive.

Actually, I did have to learn for myself that I have AS.

I read A Complete Guide to Asperger's, Songs of the Gorllia Nation, and tried reading another few on the Spectrum, but quickly learned they were negative NT propaganda BS. I also read WP. I thought about it night and day, dissected every angle, and came to the conclusion that I am indeed an aspie. (Then I said "f**k" repetitively for a whole evening.)

I knew two aspies but I didn't think asking them would be productive. My best friend has it in her family, but I knew only I knew me well enough, beneath all my masks and co-morbid disorders, so I didn't talk to her about it either. I waited until I knew for sure and then I told her myself.

My point being I didn't give you any advice I wouldn't follow myself. I was trying to be helpful - you're welcome.

I wouldn't put your emotional response straight down to neurotypical-ness. You could well be depressed, or so used to pretending to be normal that you accentuate your emotional responses subconsciously, or indeed both. Again I fully suggest putting some research into it if you want a meaningful answer for yourself. But again, I point out that if that's not an option you probably do have your answer right there.

Or maybe you do have your answer, as described above. /shrug.