confused about over-reactions

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A friend of mine did something very wrong to me yesterday and I was very upset. She apologized this morning, so I wrote out what had been going on with me that had made me so upset, and then I realized I was over-reacting because of my issues. Still, what she did was very wrong.

Instead of realizing I had been burned and trying to hold her at a distance, I immediately tried to make friends again and poured out my heart in an email. She just wrote back something light and brief.

I am now feeling like a very neurotic person. It has become very apparent to me what people have been telling me for years: I want everyone to like me, cannot tolerate thinking someone does not, fear rejection as if it were the apocolypse, get paralyzed in self-doubt. I just feel like a mess!!

If I didn't have these issues, I don't think she would have bothered me nearly as much as she did. I was enraged. I went to bed enraged. I woke up enraged. My BF said I had every right to be enraged.. yet still I compounded it with catastrophizing and made the upset feeling inside 100 times worse than it had to be.

I'm confused. I'm totally drained. This has sucked all my energy all weekend. This woman and I have made up now and all is ok I guess. But, I'm wondering now why my self-respect is so low that I will get all worked up to the point of craziness over how someone else seems to perceive me.

I tend to overreact, a lot. I figure that it's better than not showing any emotion, at all. It's better to be seen as a spazz, than it is, to be seen as an emotional cripple.

No, I don't have a personality disorder. I'm familiar with the criteria and don't meet it. I don't have stormy and unstable relationships, for instance.

I've been a bundle of confusion and I feel my thoughts were disjointed when I first posted. I've been talking to my BF and I just told him I am thoroughly confused right now. He said he doesn't think I over-reacted to what she did.. anyone would have been furious and hurt.

What I felt was an over-reaction was that I was going to avoid all social situations that she goes to because I was feeling like a social failure because I couldn't get along with her and the discomfort would have been too intense.. and unfortunately, she attends all the social things I go to. So, I thought my social life (autism community, disabled community, etc.) was over.

I think it is the extreme thinking I get into that I am worthless to people, not valuable. It's also that I'm a social failure. Rarely does it ever occur to me that the other person might be being a jerk, and that it's not my fault.

For one of the first times in my life, I actually expressed anger and I did it in a respectful and constructive way, although it was also seering. I usually stuff anger and let people walk all over me.

I've been feeling kind of stunned or something. I asked my BF, "so is she my friend now or not?" You see, after being burned like that, why do I really care? But, still I do. He said I've done a good job repairing things so we can be congenial acquaintances. I'm sad, because I really wanted her to be my friend.

Turns out, she held a grudge against me for 3 months over something I could not help. I didn't find out until yesterday. So petty. And to think that on that day, I spent 4 hours with her with racing heart, sweaty palms, worrying constantly that she might not like me and reject me as a friend.. and you know what? It happened anyway.

I guess I need to just accept I have no control over who wants to be my friend. Why even worry?

Anyway, I keep thinking something's weird about me because I get that way when I'm around people.. but it's just social anxiety. Even some neurotypicals get diagnosed with social anxiety. But, I'm beginning to wonder if through this trauma, I'm beginning to transition away from that.

A therapist told me once we get anxious when we can't control things.. well, I think I just need to accept that I have no control about what people think and it doesn't matter anyway. If someone likes me for who I am, that's the best kind of friend to have. I have other friends besides that person who screwed me over.

I think it might be an autistic thing to automatically assume that if someone doesn't like me, I must be doing something wrong.