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antique_toy
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28 Jun 2010, 5:16 pm

when i walk to the store or the library by myself, i'm always trying not to look at people because i want to avoid seeming aggressive or creepy. i don't even notice what people are doing most of the time because i'm too concentrated on the ground or some other thing that catches my eye. when i pass someone going the opposite direction, i do whatever i can to avoid looking at them and i think they notice i'm uncomfortable.
how do neurotypicals go for a walk around the block without this kind of confusion? and how do you look at a stranger without offending them?



AGMorehouse
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28 Jun 2010, 5:30 pm

Here is some advice, take it or not.

If you are very uncomfortable dealing with strangers, I think you should do your own thing, keep your eyes on what you are doing, and not worry about how others are perceiving you. If you do that, you won't have any problems.

I kind of relate to what you are saying though. I myself am uncomfortable with strangers and how I'll be percieved, especially when I go to the gym. I usually keep to myself and do my own workout and not worry about what is going on. If you do what I just told you, you should be fine and get through.


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CockneyRebel
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28 Jun 2010, 5:32 pm

I just don't look at them. I find that people seem more creepy to me, since my softer, gentler side took over, early last fall. I've dropped the punkish armour and I see people as they really are, now.


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28 Jun 2010, 5:37 pm

Please don't withdraw and ignore everyone just because they make you uncomfortable at this point in your life. You will become more social as you get older.

You need people! Every "stranger" is a potential new friend or colleague or business partner or even a date. You need people to give you opportunities in life and to provide support when life becomes too much.

I know it is terrifying, but please try this.

Go to a city park... sit on a bench and try talking to every person that comes through. It doesn't matter how ineptly your socializing is. It will get better over time. The goal is to eliminate the social anxiety. Also talk to cashiers, neighbors, baristas, book store employees... anyone you meet.

Please trust me. You'll thank me in a couple of years.



idunnosmile
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28 Jun 2010, 11:49 pm

Great advice Dilbert, very true.

For me, I've tried about every approach to deal with strangers. For the longest time, I would feel obligated to do as everyone else did, which was try to be open and friendly (smiles, forced eye contact). It wasn't until later that I realized just how scripted my social life was.

I had no feelings for people - how they felt, what they thought, how they see and do things in life, what they had in common with me, etc. I grew up witnessing people in conversation, saying things like, "How are you, is that a southern accent, I like your truck, looks like it might rain later...." and so on. I felt like I needed to do those things if I was going to claim to be a human. What I didn't realize was the millions of dead end conversations I had clocked over the years without any emotional satisfaction gained - I was simply mimicking those closest to me.

Now, I actually know what a sense of satisfaction feels like when I am in public because I don't feel guilty for how I act or look to other people. If I am walking the isles of a supermarket and my mind decides that it wants to loft away to outline a chapter in my book, I let it - and I don't concern myself with the lack of attention that I'm giving to approaching strangers...

By-the-way, strangers passing by may look at you in whatever way they look at you. Just know that after they walk by, they won't be thinking about you because they are too busy solving the problems to their own daily life. You are no different to that stranger than the person who is walking behind you and in front of you...

We all are different as individuals... but we are alike as humans. All 6.8 billion of us.



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29 Jun 2010, 12:02 am

antique_toy wrote:
when i walk to the store or the library by myself, i'm always trying not to look at people because i want to avoid seeming aggressive or creepy. i don't even notice what people are doing most of the time because i'm too concentrated on the ground or some other thing that catches my eye. when i pass someone going the opposite direction, i do whatever i can to avoid looking at them and i think they notice i'm uncomfortable.
how do neurotypicals go for a walk around the block without this kind of confusion? and how do you look at a stranger without offending them?


I know what you mean, what I do if I stare at someone is continue staring in the direction you were originally were staring as if you were looking at something else as they move towards you. Then when they aproach I act supprised. When they ask if you wanted something you just say no. If they attack at least if the place has a video camera it looks like you did not provoke the attack and you are the victim. If they accuse you of looking at them just say vain much, why would I look at you? Works for me. 8)



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29 Jun 2010, 3:39 am

I generally walk along looking at the ground lost in my own world. I don't see what problem NTs should have with it, I didn't even know it was weird until someone told me. I agree with AGMorehouse, just ignore them and do your own thing :)



Seanmw
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29 Jun 2010, 3:47 am

give them the stink eye


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persian85033
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29 Jun 2010, 1:10 pm

I just try to avoid strangers altogether.


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29 Jun 2010, 1:42 pm

i dont really know where to look. i always thought i was super unobservant but i think i just dont look at peoples faces and so i dont notice things. ive often walked straight past people i know because i havent been looking. i see there are people around but i dont really notice who it is. like if i come across someone who i see every day, but in a place i dont usually see them, then i just wont notice.
i think ive always been that way naturally but now i find myself making a conscious effort to avoid eye contact. my face looks naturally nervous and my eyes always have this kind of wide eyed startled look about them which maybe grabs peoples attention or something, i dont know. but it puts me off making eye contact because i know when eye contact happens the other person will wonder why im nervous (even if im actually not at that moment) and it draws attention to myself that i dont want. sometimes i want to look at strangers, because people are interesting, but avoid doing it at all costs. i can sit at a bus stop next to someone for half an hour and not have any idea what they look like/how old they are etc by the end of it. i know it sounds weird but im not sure i know how to look at someone normally:/.if that makes sense. yet another thing that other people do automatically yet i end up analysing.
things always go on around me that i dont notice at all because im too busy worrying how i look to other people and also because of my natural tendency not to look at people's faces. It happens more in situations where i dont feel comfortable (lots of people/people i dont know) rather than situations that i am more comfortable or familiar with.
hmm :scratch:



xxsultrywinterxx
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29 Jun 2010, 2:01 pm

It honestly depends what kind of social context I'm in. I find it easier to socialize in school than some random coffee shop(although I can't avoid my caffeine fix [: ). I believe it has something to do with the familiarization aspect of school and forced social environments, where I at least know people. Also, when I'm with my friends, I'm outgoing and hyper no matter what. Unfortunately, you can't take your friends everywhere (unless, of course, you crave some really awkward moments there..)