Being blunt and taking the consequences

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I wish I could learn how to do this.I wish I was blissfully unaware of other people's feelings even when it's obvious they're not particularly concerned with mine. Once again I have a miserable person in my life, because I felt sorry for them and listened. That's not a bad quality I know, but I never know where to draw the line. Now I've got someone calling me 5 times a day to complain about her life but never taking any responsibility for her choices and her general attitude that creates most of her problems. She admits herself that she alienates everyone. Any positive suggestions anyone makes she treats with derision. So why can't I tell her to f**k off? She's making me ill with stress. I turn off the phone to avoid her. This is a consistent pattern in my life. It happens over and over. Why am I so afraid that someone I don't like won't like me? This fear of confrontation is debilitating and very deep rooted. Any suggestions for a happy medium? I'm tired of being used as someone's emotional punching bag because I'm such a wimp.

I had plans for a nice quiet relaxed birthday and instead I was gritting my teeth all day.

Unless she's doing it to intentionally hurt you, explain to her what she's doing wrong in a way that won't make her realise she's hurting you as a result of it, otherwise it will just upset her.

Last edited by Technikilor on 29 Jun 2010, 8:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Happy Birthday!


Well, happier day-after-your birthday, maybe...


Last time I had somebody dropping in on me all the time who couldn't seem to take a hint, I hung a 'Sorry We're Closed' sign on my front door and just refused to answer it. Eventually they got the message and went away.

I can't imagine why you're answering the phone - that's what answering machines and voice mails are for. I never pick up until I know who it is, and if its someone I'm not up to talking to, I just let them talk to the machine and go on about my business.

Last edited by Willard on 29 Jun 2010, 8:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

thank you

That's what I'm trying to figure out how to do. I don't want to hurt her feelings but she is driving me nuts.

Who is she? Why is someone you don't like constantly calling you? Why does she think she should call you of all people 5 times a day? You could simply say "I would appreciate it if you would stop calling me i've got my own life to worry about" and suggest that she rings a helpline or someone who is paid to listen to this sort of thing. If she doesnt get the message, tell her more bluntly. I don't think an answering machine would help as you still have to hear what she is saying.

She's not a stranger off the street. She's a friend who's drowning me with her problems.

Tell her that it's stressing you having to take on someone elses problems as well as your own. Its your right. Is it a cell phone or landline? You could always get a new sim card for your cell.. or with the answering machine, as soon as you hear its her delete the message straight away.

I will try. I have made clear to her before and to someone else who seems to need my help all the time that I am depleted easily and I can't be there for them all the time. They back off for a while and then it's on again. Her current situation is very odd. She is showing signs of delusional paranoia. She is on mental disability and is diagnosed with ptsd and borderline pd.

Well, I've got to go to bed. Thanks for the input. The problem is establishing and keeping boundaries I think, in psychspeak.

Hmm, perhaps you could voice your opinion to someone who works in that field for support - call them in your area tell them your situation. Perhaps they can take her off your hands. At least then you're passing her onto someone who can deal with her issues and is paid to and has no connection to her, so she wouldn't be losing out.

She's had a legitimately tragic life. She was abused as a child and placed in a foster home where she was again abused. She says antidepressants don't work for her and therapy is b.s. She's spent a good part of her childhood in mental hospitals. I really don't want to kick someone when they're down. I really sympathize with her problems but I can't help her. She knows that but she still wants me to listen to her. She doesn't want advice. She wants the world to pay. Right now she thinks the local cops are stalking her. My problem is being overly empathetic. I'm stuck between genuinely caring and feeling exhausted because I can't help her. It would be a lot easier if she wasn't so bitter and rude and sarcastic.

It probably isn't possible to not hurt her feelings. If it's hard to confront her directly is there someone else you could tell who would relay the message?

I wrote something and it got backed up and lost. I'm too tired to write anymore right now.

So sorry.

I absolutely HATE it when that happens. Get some rest and maybe it'll come back to you.