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Ferdinand
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28 Jun 2010, 7:21 am

My ignorant mother constantly tells me things that I like are not fun or interesting. I told her that I wanted to get Gray's Anatomy of the Human Body from the book store, and she told me to get something more interesting for my upcoming trip. She also encourages me to watch some shows other than CNN.

How can I put it through her head that I prefer these things?


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Descartes
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28 Jun 2010, 7:38 am

It may not sound fun to her, but it is to you. I'm sure she's into a lot of things that you don't particularly find enjoyable. If you still can't convince her, then maybe you can buy that book you're wanting secretly. :wink:



Exclavius
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28 Jun 2010, 7:40 am

She's honestly "trying to help" by "showing you how to be a kid" (15 is still a kid to me, btw.)

The problem is that she can't think outside of her box (the NT box, that is)
Have you tried to sit her down, and actually explain, in an honest conversation that these are things that you enjoy most. Specifically name off things that most teens do, and what it is about them you don't like?
Show them the educational value of what you want to do, maybe that'll help. I couldn't argue with my child if they were talking about how much they can learn.
Try pointing out how some people like to go fishing, and some people like to go shopping at the mall. And often people that like one, don't like the other... And that you don't like either, you prefer to watch news, docs, etc.

It's difficult, to be sure, to get a person to understand the difference in the thought processes of an Aspie vs. NT. But i'm starting to make headway with one person. She's even starting to understand things I say now without re-interpretation. The main issue that we still need to work on, is that I define words too literally, but.. literally isn't necessarily the right word... specifically or rigidly are more accurate.

All in all, the key isn't to convince her that you prefer CNN to fashion magazines...
it's to convince her that you think via different processes, thus find different things fun.

you have to counter the "Yes, dear, but you should like to do <whatever> like people your age do." It's tough too. But you are you. and not "other kids your age" you have your likes, and they have their likes... the truth is... others let society decide for them what they liked... you are choosing for yourself what you like... not just playing follow the leader.



Asp-Z
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28 Jun 2010, 7:50 am

Tell her the same thing every time she wants to do something.

Her: "I want to do [blah blah blah]"
You: "That's no fun!"

If you can, try and put a bit of a sarcastic edge on your voice, too.

I'd like to know her reaction to that :P



Deidara
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28 Jun 2010, 8:03 am

Asp-Z wrote:
Tell her the same thing every time she wants to do something.

Her: "I want to do [blah blah blah]"
You: "That's no fun!"

If you can, try and put a bit of a sarcastic edge on your voice, too.

I'd like to know her reaction to that :P


This.



fleeced
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28 Jun 2010, 8:09 am

Ferdinand wrote:

How can I put it through her head that I prefer these things?


I'm 42 and my Mum is exactly the same. Always has been. It might take a long time!



reh
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28 Jun 2010, 8:20 am

Ferdinand wrote:
How can I put it through her head that I prefer these things?


By persistence. Vast majority of people will only acknowledge things that are repeated to them from, depending on individual sensitivity, a couple of times to all the time. Find out where on the scale your mum is and try to apply your findings accordingly.



Valoyossa
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28 Jun 2010, 9:39 am

What's wrong with anatomy books? They're great, especially if it's photo-album. You know, with corpses, not pictures.


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reh
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28 Jun 2010, 9:57 am

Valoyossa wrote:
What's wrong with anatomy books? They're great, especially if it's photo-album. You know, with corpses, not pictures.


I can only take your word for it, that in Gdansk they sell books with corpses instead of pictures. :)



Janissy
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28 Jun 2010, 9:58 am

Ferdinand wrote:
My ignorant mother constantly tells me things that I like are not fun or interesting. I told her that I wanted to get Gray's Anatomy of the Human Body from the book store, and she told me to get something more interesting for my upcoming trip. She also encourages me to watch some shows other than CNN.

How can I put it through her head that I prefer these things?


Maybe she's afraid you will just flip through it briefly, decide it's not interesting, and then put it aside. Then she will have wasted her money. Go with Exclavius's mature answer to explain to her why it's worth her spending her money on this. If you go with the silly answers it will just convince her that you really aren't ready for something so serious.



Janissy
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28 Jun 2010, 10:00 am

Exclavius wrote:
She's honestly "trying to help" by "showing you how to be a kid" (15 is still a kid to me, btw.)

The problem is that she can't think outside of her box (the NT box, that is)
Have you tried to sit her down, and actually explain, in an honest conversation that these are things that you enjoy most. Specifically name off things that most teens do, and what it is about them you don't like?
Show them the educational value of what you want to do, maybe that'll help. I couldn't argue with my child if they were talking about how much they can learn.
Try pointing out how some people like to go fishing, and some people like to go shopping at the mall. And often people that like one, don't like the other... And that you don't like either, you prefer to watch news, docs, etc.

It's difficult, to be sure, to get a person to understand the difference in the thought processes of an Aspie vs. NT. But i'm starting to make headway with one person. She's even starting to understand things I say now without re-interpretation. The main issue that we still need to work on, is that I define words too literally, but.. literally isn't necessarily the right word... specifically or rigidly are more accurate.

All in all, the key isn't to convince her that you prefer CNN to fashion magazines...
it's to convince her that you think via different processes, thus find different things fun.

you have to counter the "Yes, dear, but you should like to do <whatever> like people your age do." It's tough too. But you are you. and not "other kids your age" you have your likes, and they have their likes... the truth is... others let society decide for them what they liked... you are choosing for yourself what you like... not just playing follow the leader.


This is the approach most likely to work. If you want to convince your mother that you really will get something out of such a mature and serious book, you need to use a mature and serious answer.



CanadianRose
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28 Jun 2010, 10:04 am

Firstly, I would like to share my appreciation of anatomy books. I am a health professional and Anatomy and Physiology was my favourite course in college. I also really enjoyed the Body Worlds exhibit, finding the displays of form and structure fascinating (note - all the displays were respectful). I bought the book and DVD for this as well.

Anyways, regarding your personal situation...

When Mum says "these things aren't 'fun'" - she might not be referring to "fun for YOU" she might be referring to "fun for other people your age." This is not to say that you shouldn't enjoy your own interests, regardless of the interests of the majority. However, as most Aspies already have difficulty socializing and making connnections with others in their peer group, she might actually be trying to encourage you to read some more popular material or partake in some more popular experiences so that you will be better able to interact with your peer group.

I'll share a personal example. My own son is much younger than you. He is five. He is diagnosed with autism. I have always had a tv free policy. I don't appreciate most programming for children and have read lots of research indicating that limits on tv is healthy for children his age. Unfortunately, most other parents have not read the same research and allow their kids to watch tv :roll: . When observing other children my son's age - I noticed that they play games based on some of the tv shows that they watch. They discuss (at a five year old level) the characters of certain shows. I have had to re-think my tv watching position and will allow my child to watch a 1/2 hour or so of certain shows 3 times per week. I am still limiting his vieiwing. The ONLY reason I will allow him to watch the most popular show is so he is able to join in and socialize with other children. He already has trouble in this area - he doesn't need any more barriers (such as not having a clue what the other kids are talking about...)

Now, back to you. You are a 15 year old male. What do other 15 - 17 year olds like? Cars? Sports? Movies? Take some time to read a little or experience one or more of these interests. It will make it easier to connect with others.

Having said that - make sure that you pursue your OWN interests as well. Go ahead and read anatomy books and whatever other type of material or hobbies that make YOU happy. I'm only suggesting that you spend a small portion of your time with something more popular. Say, spend 85% of your time on what interests you and 15% of your time on popular stuff. This might satisfy your mum, honour your own interests and needs, and make it easier for you to connect with others.



Valoyossa
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28 Jun 2010, 10:04 am

reh wrote:
Valoyossa wrote:
What's wrong with anatomy books? They're great, especially if it's photo-album. You know, with corpses, not pictures.


I can only take your word for it, that in Gdansk they sell books with corpses instead of pictures. :)


I mean real photos of corpses instead drawn pictures. They're the best and I'm sure that available everywhere.


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CockneyRebel
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28 Jun 2010, 10:14 am

My sister used to be the same way, towards me.

I'd want to get my homework done on a Friday night.
"That's not fun!"

I'd want to read a book.
"That's not fun!"

Watch the Summer Olympics.
"That's not fun!"

Listen to the bands of The British Invasion.
"That's not fun!"


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Jaydee
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28 Jun 2010, 10:19 am

CanadianRose wrote:
Firstly, I would like to share my appreciation of anatomy books. I am a health professional and Anatomy and Physiology was my favourite course in college. I also really enjoyed the Body Worlds exhibit, finding the displays of form and structure fascinating (note - all the displays were respectful). I bought the book and DVD for this as well.

Anyways, regarding your personal situation...

When Mum says "these things aren't 'fun'" - she might not be referring to "fun for YOU" she might be referring to "fun for other people your age." This is not to say that you shouldn't enjoy your own interests, regardless of the interests of the majority. However, as most Aspies already have difficulty socializing and making connnections with others in their peer group, she might actually be trying to encourage you to read some more popular material or partake in some more popular experiences so that you will be better able to interact with your peer group.

I'll share a personal example. My own son is much younger than you. He is five. He is diagnosed with autism. I have always had a tv free policy. I don't appreciate most programming for children and have read lots of research indicating that limits on tv is healthy for children his age. Unfortunately, most other parents have not read the same research and allow their kids to watch tv :roll: . When observing other children my son's age - I noticed that they play games based on some of the tv shows that they watch. They discuss (at a five year old level) the characters of certain shows. I have had to re-think my tv watching position and will allow my child to watch a 1/2 hour or so of certain shows 3 times per week. I am still limiting his vieiwing. The ONLY reason I will allow him to watch the most popular show is so he is able to join in and socialize with other children. He already has trouble in this area - he doesn't need any more barriers (such as not having a clue what the other kids are talking about...)

Now, back to you. You are a 15 year old male. What do other 15 - 17 year olds like? Cars? Sports? Movies? Take some time to read a little or experience one or more of these interests. It will make it easier to connect with others.

Having said that - make sure that you pursue your OWN interests as well. Go ahead and read anatomy books and whatever other type of material or hobbies that make YOU happy. I'm only suggesting that you spend a small portion of your time with something more popular. Say, spend 85% of your time on what interests you and 15% of your time on popular stuff. This might satisfy your mum, honour your own interests and needs, and make it easier for you to connect with others.
An excellent, excellent answer. And so true!



tomboy4good
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28 Jun 2010, 10:24 am

I have always had the very same problems with both my parents. Stuff that I liked to do was considered "dumb." However, I was expected to enjoy "antiquing," flea markets, antique shows/shops, casinos, etc. :roll: Some parents just don't get it. My dad even made an off handed comment not too long ago that I enjoyed those outings with them. It wasn't like they gave me a choice, I was forced to go. I went along & made the most of it, usually going off to a quiet area & reading or finding something that I liked while they did their thing. Personally I don't think this is just an NT or Aspie thing. I think it's just a misguided parent thing.

Ferdinand, you'll just have to keep telling them what YOU like & hope they eventually get it. Maybe have someone your mom respects speak up for you. She might get it, if she hears it from another adult.

Good luck!


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