I am my own worst enemy!

Post Reply New Topic

I'm starting to think that I am my own worst enemy sometimes. I bring on problems for myself, then act like a victim.

I just feel so paranoied all the time. Every waking minute of the day I'm forever feeling paranoied about what everyone else is thinking of me. But the trouble with me is, I go around feeling paranoied and asking myself, ''do I look normal?'' all the time, then I go and delibrately do something what is embarrassing, then complain because people are looking at me. I've been doing this a lot lately. Like for example, the other morning I was walking down my road to the bus stop, and my road is a very narrow road - one without any pavements because it's just a little row of houses then a dead end at the bottom, so it's not like it's a main road or anything. But when someone does come along in a car to get to one of the houses, you have to walk right on the edge in the gutter to get out of their way - and sometimes that makes me feel irritated. And this happened the other morning. It was a cold, wet morning, and a van was coming along and I had to get out of the way, and I just couldn't help myself glare at the driver in the van for coming up this road the very minute I'm coming along. The van drove to the end of the road, then I heard it coming back the other way again, so crossly I walked right onto the grass in a sarcastic expression, to show them that I was irritated, and at the very second I was doing it I didn't care what they thought. Then the van stopped and pulled into a driveway. And then I started feeling embarrassed. So there's me being paranoied about people looking and judging me - then I go and do something out of anger that makes people look at me, then I regret it after and go back to being paranoied again.
Another example is the other day in a shop I was talking to my friend at the counter (she works in the shop), and this man came along with a little kid to pay for something, and because I don't like other people's kids (especially near me) I glared down at the kid and jumped back, and I don't know if the man saw me do it or not. As I was doing it, I didn't care about a thing - then immediately afterwards I regreted it, and walked out the shop feeling ashamed with myself for making myself so obvious.
Another example is when I see other people are waiting at my bus stop, I tend to stop a few feet away from the bus stop so that I'm not waiting near them. I do this to show them that I don't like them being there - then after I get on the bus I feel embarrassed at what I've just done, and I feel like they're looking at me and thinking I'm some sort of prick or something.
I don't know what's got me into this silly habit. I daren't tell my mum that I do this because she will just stand back and say, ''I don't believe it! All this time you fear people are looking at you - now I know why!'' And it's not like I mean to do this - it's just for a second it's like anger gets a hold of me, then drops me again.

I have found a solution, but I know I'm going to find it very hard. This is my solution: what I will do tomorrow is go out in the street and try hard not to let anger loose my cool. I will go out and try my hardest not to show everyone how irritated I am, whatever happens. I will stay as relaxed as I am at home, and will keep a positive attitude towards people instead of showing them negative attitudes. And if I manage to keep this up, I might be able to beat the anger/irritation forever. It might stop it from getting the better of me. It might not help the paranoia, but at least I will know that I'm not drawing attention to myself any more so if people are looking at me it won't be as personal.
But then I think it's all very well me saying that, because right now I'm just sitting alone in my room away from society and publicity, so it's easy for me to agree to this, but come tomorrow when I am out there my emotions change, and bewilderment kicks in, which produces a very slim chance of being able to control my emotions against people. It's really annoying - but I'll have to try and give it a go. I have to try and break this habit. What do you think, or does any of you experience this too, or anything similiar? Do you think it's an Aspie-related thing?

I'm an atheist, but I've found a nice buddhist idea that I think is relevant. It's not something to dive into, but more to take pieces from.

Basically; you gain problems from 'self-grasping', that is, holding onto what you think of yourself. You see yourself (I mean humans tend to see themselves) largely through the eyes of others. You seem to have some time discrepancy with this in that you become annoyed with people, perhaps displaying insensitivity, and only after become aware of how they view you, but the process is basically the same.

This idea causes two main problems: 1) You don't like when people don't like you and 2) you must expend effort in thought and act to make sure that people view you in good light.

The first piece of buddhist advice would be to view yourself as nothing, or to come as close to it as you can. This doesn't mean that you think of yourself as something bad, because if you think of yourself as something bad then you still have some self-image. The idea is to lack every type of self-image. So if someone thinks badly of you (or if you think they do) then this is simply a facet of their mind, you don't imagine that this has anything to do with you. You just are, you don't construct an image.

Also; attempt to think of the problems that other people are facing while they are annoying you. Angry behaviour from others means that they aren't having a good time (as you've probably noticed from your own anger) and will cause problems for them eventually (as you also may have noticed). Inconsiderate behaviour from others is also going to be more problematic for them in the long run than for you, so it's good to consider, while someone is annoying you, that they're probably defective, like children who burn themselves due to ignorance, and it is more practical to respond to defective people (whether they're angry, sulky, et c.)

If it sounds a little unrealistic, it's Religious, you'll have to fish through it and decide what's useable (if anything).

Best wishes.

Thanks. Religeous or not, it's still worth reading and persueing

Try looking at everything (such as your street) as if owned by your father and he has asked you to allow use by others.


Like Malin has mentioned, realizing other people have problems of their own can help there. Hiding irritation only "bottles it up" for explosion later. So, be gracious about allowing other people to be people too.


I definitely understand that dilemma.

It's nice to receive an understanding reply from someone on here, because when I tell it to NTs they just say, ''oh you can help yourself!'' And maybe they're right sometimes, because I suppose I can help myself to a certain extent, but it's really hard to completely change myself over night. And, again, I'm sitting here in my room literally laughing at the outdoors at the moment, but tomorrow morning when I walk out there I will feel a completely different emotion. Right now I'm sitting in my room, with the curtains shut (because it's dark outside), and so as far as the public is concerned I don't exist, so there's nothing for me to be paranoied about. But when I walk out there tomorrow I know that frustration and/or irritation will hit me, and will be controlling my emotions or thoughts for me before I get the chance to stop them.

But, on the other hand, my NT colleague today said that she was having an ''angry day'' last Friday. She said was just feeling so annoyed with everyone as she walked through town, and she said she was muttering things under her breath about people who got in her way, and when a car pulled out from a little side road where she was crossing, she muttered a very unpleasent word under her breath. I'll better not say it on Wrong Planet - it's worse than the word f**k.

So I guess everybody has times where they can't help themselves. But these irritable emotions seem to come natural to me every day - and I do try my hardest not to let them get a hold of me - but like I said before, I can only do this to a certain extent. I can't completely stop because its always going to be in me.

But anyway - your post was helpful too. And you understand. Thank you - I enjoyed reading it.