Psychic Vampires

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This is another attempt to ask about a problem I have consistently in life and that is how to recognize these soul suckers and how and when to establish boundaries. I know to flippantly call them soul suckers makes it sound easy but the fact is these people really do suffer and they make a beeline for me to tell me all about it. I get used a lot because I don't know how to set boundaries without being rude and I am firmly indoctrinated against being willfully rude. That's going to make me feel bad about myself. I would like to be able to stop this situation from happening over and over but I don't know how. I absorb other people's problems and worry about them and that depletes me to the point of sickness from stress. It is particularly frustrating when the person really doesn't want any help, they just want someone to listen to them complain. Ideas? Do you find it difficult to establish boundaries with people who want all of your attention?

I don't encounter very many. Too unapproachable.

I used to worry if I was one, because I was very self-contained and any 'friends' had their work cut out trying to interact with me as a teen. For that I feel bad, but then when I do try to be the listener, I find the same friends and others just talk talk talk about themselves and never ask anything about me again... so I don't bother.

I ask questions as part of my job, and I enjoy it; I find people interesting, but if a friend never asks about me or gives the impression that I am little more than a personal diary, I distance myself unless I am bored.

As far as I am concerned, it takes effort for me to show interest in others and remember what details to ask, so I expect them same back.

I guess I am a little rude to people who consistently bring me down. Not regular people but the repeat "soul suckers". I tend to actively ignore them by pretending they don't exist. I don't look at them and trying not to listen. I was told I am passive aggressive for doing that.

I'm just going to have to be blunt I guess. Maybe there is no nice way to tell someone they exhaust you.

I know exactly who you're talking about. I have a fool-proof way of dealing with them that works EVERY time.

When they come to me bitching about something, I counter with a positive attitude (even if I have to fake it), and say, "Really?! No! That never bothers me at all! Why would it?"

If they are genuine "vampires" as you described, they have no idea how to respond to it, because all they are really looking for is someone to join in on their pity party.

Works every time!

Here's the cycle. She has decided that everyone is a jerk so she treats everyone like they're a jerk. They respond negatively and this validates her world view that everyone is a jerk. She then calls me to talk at length about how everyone is a jerk. Any attempts to get her to try not treating people like jerks is treated with derision.

Screw it. I'm in danger of becoming one myself. Just wish I could figure out how to find a balance.

Negativity is infectious. The only way to deal with it is to be positive, even, and especially when you don't feel like it. With somebody that you've already "let in" like that, it's a bit harder. It takes some consistent effort for a while. If you've already played along with the pity party thing, suddenly going all positive on them will seem suspicious, as if you are suddenly betraying them.

Positivity, as a "repellent" works best if it's done right from the start. If it's already too late for that, there are some other things that do work, but might take a bit of resolve on your own part. If she's calling you on the phone mostly, make use of your caller ID. Don't answer the phone. "I was tired," or "busy" are fine excuses not to answer if she catches up with you later.

There is nothing wrong at all with telling her you have your own things going on and are just too tired from dealing with your own problems to get tangled up in her problems on top of it. I wouldn't be surprised if that's true. I bet you anything it's the reason you're posting about it.

Pity hounds go where the feeding is best. If you feed them, they won't stop coming back.

It's a matter of your sanity. Allowing her to feed off you isn't helping her, OR you. If she gets mad at you for basically shielding yourself from an unhealthy situation, is that really friendship?

It's not easy. I've been there and done it. We have friends that call all the time for b***h sessions, or just to talk on and on about stupid stuff like what they had for dinner. They don't know we are Aspies, and probably wouldn't get it if we ever told them. It's all meaningless small talk and bitching to us. We just use our caller ID, and only answer the phone when we feel like it. It didn't go over that well when we first started doing it, but people get used to it.

Is there a way you can compromise? Maybe suggest doing something together rather than just listening to her talk all the time. Something you both might enjoy. That way at least you don't have to feel like you're completely cutting her out of your life. It doesn't sound like she's deliberatly trying to make you feel bad. It sounds more like it's an addiction for her. You don't have to tell her she can't *ever* talk to you, she just can't keep doing it *all the time*.

Be sure to note that there's a difference in being worn out because you happen to take on others' problems easily, and being worn out because the person just has that effect on people in general (the latter being what I'd call a psychic vampire, although they will often try to make you think it's the first thing). A lot of people make no distinction and therefore disparage people who are "negative" but who don't sort of feed on that kind of interaction. (The emphasis on being positive as a virtue is an entirely cultural thing, it's not a universal ethical value. And many disabled people are falsely labeled as energy vampires just because it takes effort to interact with them which is tiring.)

That said, both problems are solvable by getting better boundaries. In the first case the problem is bad boundaries making you take on someone's troubles, the second is when the other person's bad boundaries sort of take advantage of on your own and feed off your energy and time and attention in a truly destructive way.

There's really no easy way to explain how to deal with this. I have always been an incredibly passive person on many levels and thus easy prey. Eventually and suddenly, in the middle of a friendship gone horribly awry because even knowing the person without seeing them all the time was draining (and regardless of how many friends they got they kept returning to me and one other person to feed off, and calling it love..... eurrrrgh) I realized that I had never consented to the friendship. The person just walked in and told me we were friends. And I further realized that I am totally within my rights to choose whether someone was a friend or not. And after that I've found it much easier to get away from that sort of person. But I had to realize that down in my gut before any advice on the matter made sense to me.

You've all made some good points and I can't respond intelligently right now because I'm too overloaded. Thanks for the input though.

First let me tell you: my bf is in the same situation. He seems to attract/draw emotionally needy people, and he doesn't have the heart to turn them away. It exhausts him, too.

Secondly, what Mr Xxx said makes a lot of sense. There are some people who just want to whine about everything and anything, while making no effort to improve themselves or their situation. People like that are a constant drain on everyone--it's just a matter of who they can get to listen.

Start setting boundaries for the sake of your own sanity. If a relationship is one-sided, it's not a real friendship.

Setting boundaries with people I sincerely do not wish to hurt is one of those social things I have never learned how to do. That's the point of the thread really is to get some input. Not what I should do, but how.

Yeah, generally true. Although friendships can have long periods of lopsidedness in either direction. There's a lot about intent that matters but that's much harder to quantify.

Also meant to add -- the person I've been dealing with (referred to by her other main target as an "energy leech") has that same thing about people being jerks. She basically... well she was always complaining about people bullying her, and since that really happens I assumed it was true. But then I started finding out more about it, and she would be like... walking up to people and demanding they do things for her, and when they wouldn't, she'd start harassing them to the point she's lucky she has no restraining orders out on her. And she would then call their unwillingness to do things for her, and attempts to get the heck away from her, bullying. She also called people really ugly names, and then said they were mean to her. It was really... just wow, quite messed up.

The interesting thing was that back when I first met her, someone told me that the circumstances of our meeting meant she had no boundaries and that I should avoid her at all costs. I didn't, because I didn't understand. But now I realize that she was sensing the ability to take advantage of my own lack of understanding of boundaries (as in, I'll let people do nearly anything to me). And that a person who isn't as passive as me would have realized in the first place what was wrong, and gotten the heck out of there. Well I've gotten slightly less passive, and started taking my gut feelings of discomfort seriously instead of suppressing them, and I'm not attracting so many people like her.