Decided to go on and set up an evaluation to find out if I do have Asperger's or not. The session lasted an hour. $150 out-of-pocket. ouch. But, I wanted to know something. I was asked a lot of questions, the guy has to compute the numbers. At the end he said, yes, I could have be ballpark Asperger's since I have some of the symptoms but said that with his experience, the ones that come in are nerds who are obsessed with Star Wars, cards, etc. He asked me about my family, we talked about my dad being the alcoholic, etc. Any of you had to deal with alcoholism in the family? My younger brother, I told him, had a pretty big delay in speech, had to be put in 'special' classes and go through therapy.
After today, I dunno what to think. Kinda makes me think he's thinking, 'well, he doesn't look it and doesn't have some big obsession, so...' My follow-up for results is next week. I just want to fix things and not be miserable anymore.
What are your thoughts on all this? Also, my intro story is below, so let me know something.
Posted: Tue Jun 29, 2010 10:30 pm Post subject: New here. My story.
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Hey everyone. I'm a 29 and 350-something day old(ha, looking forward to turning 30, can't you tell?) guy who works a full-time job in a sports medicine field and has been back to school to work towards my goal of attending medical school. I'm not a bad-looking guy, try to take care of myself physically, so it would appear I 'have it going' so to speak. Some months back I gave a 'what if' consideration for a second to me having Asperger's, but just let it go and thought something else was going on. But, last night, while at the bookstore studying, I thought I'd take a look in the Psych section(where this book SHOULDN'T be being it's a neuro disorder) and came across a book titled 'Aspergers on the Job.'
First book I've seen regarding Asperger's. So, my curiosity leads me to open the book and read through a little. Well, the more I read, the more I began to think to myself 'wow...maybe this explains everything' and sigh of relief came over me. For years, you see, I've dealt with anxiety and depression. Things have gotten progressively worse while in the real world in regards to that and other things. A couple of my friends have called me 'socially awkward,' a phrase I reeeeeally hate because it's just f***king insulting really, IMO, but I suppose it can be and is perhaps true. I've been told I don't value myself or try to find value of myself in what others think, I have low self-esteem, etc. None of which I really think is true now. I don't have difficulty socially all the time...there are times that when things are structured, the focus isn't on me, or the conversation is brief, I do ok. When I try to fake the whole 'putting on a smile and fitting in' thing,, it seems to take so much energy out of me. I get exhausted very quickly and have a difficult time keeping things going, get distracted easily from a conversation, whether it's my own thoughts or there are lights flickering, music playing, other people talking, cars driving, etc, etc. I tend to shut down easily, especially emotionally, and have a very difficult time expressing my feelings. One of the things the book mentioned was the expression one gives not matching how one feels. Definitely. I focus intensely on projects, hate unpredicatability i.e. why I have never been able to have any type of relationship because I don't understand what to do next or what's supposed to happen/not happen, trouble reading body language and cues, and eye contact issues as well. If a task isn't challenging enough, I get pretty bored. As the book put it, I fall into what's called a 'pattern thinker.' I overanalyze way too much. I could go on, but those are many of the descriptions the author and some of the people she interviewed had told of in the book. I shared this with one friend whom I felt wouldn't judge me on this, although she's far away, and she is being really nice and understanding of it. I shared the book with my aunt, the person in my family I feel I'm closest to at this point, and highlighted the common characteristics I share with those who gave their accounts in the book. It's a shame that a)insurance is very picky and more often than not it doesn't cover for any diagnostics. I have BC/BS. I figured they at least would, but no. And b) that this again is often categorized as a 'mental health' issue when it needs to be understood as neurological.
My huge obstacles are social settings and even moreso, relationships. I have a hard time connecting with others. I have failed everytime in a dating situation. A few weeks in and that's all. Ends in me feeling confused and very depressed, desiring less and less to give it another shot. While I desire to date, have a relationship, the idea of love, have sex and enjoy it, etc, etc, it has pretty much always made me feel very uncomfortable and just feels awkward.
Anyhow, that's my story. I would love to hear your feedback on if any of this is what you've gone through and what you've done to manage it in order to have a more 'normal' life.
Sthpaw
01 Jul 2010, 3:43 pm
