People minimizing your desire for social experiences.

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I missed out on a lot of things normal people have the privilege of experiencing for various reasons in my life.

I have never been to a prom. Never had a group of highschool friends to hand out with. I've never been to a highshool party or real college party. I've never been to a big New Year's Eve celebration, etc.

Any time I've ever expressed disappointment over this, one of my family members minimizes my sentiments by telling me "Oh you're really not missing anything, trust me."

Or if I want them to go to one of these big events with me "You don't want to be out with all the drunks on the road," or "You wouldn't like it anyway. You don't want to be in all of those big crowds."

But they've been to these events and they got to experience these events and probably had fun at these events and have memories of these events when they look back on their life.

They don't seem to realize when I look back on my life I have just have memory after memory of sitting home alone by myself in my room and it is a bit of a slap in the face when they tell me the things they tell me because they have had the benefit of the experience and they really don't know what it's like not to.

Does anyone else have this issue?

sometimes i havent been able to do things ive wanted to because i havent had anyone to go with, if thats what you mean?
whereabouts do you live, i'll take you out:D

i have missed out on so much and continue to. my mum used to make light of it when i was younger. i think it was partly because she took being able to experience these things for granted and partly because she was trying to make me feel better. She thought making light of it and saying it was no big deal that i was missing out somehow made me feel better.

My family does this, it pisses me off - they have no clue nor do they care that things are different for me than for them and things that are hard for me are things that I need to get over or stop letting them bother me so much.

Yep. There's nobody to tell me anything these days, though, which is maybe a good thing. But I've never done any of that, either. After all the struggle and pain endured for the hope of it getting better, getting more normal, someday... pffft. At 40 it doesn't seem like it was worth it. There's only a handful of years worth remembering. Had some interesting projects and did a few 'impressive' (to others more than to me) things, but in the end there was little that was personally meaningful.

They probably just don't know what to say, because is simply sad and depressing.

(but then I'm having a really f-ed up day)

I had friends growing up when I was younger, all they did was try their best to make me "normal"it always ended in my embarresment and the development of even deeper anxiety. I went to high school parties in my teens, bars with friends in my twenties, and all I got was laughed at, insulted, and learned how to fight better. You might have been better off not experiencing going out with so-called friends.

Wellll...no.

Had groups of 'friends' in high school, most of them smiled, greeted me and then excluded me from their activities - not maliciously - I just fell off their radar immediately after 'hello'. You couldn't have dragged me to a prom with a winch.

Been to a couple of high school parties, left in a hurry for reasons mentioned above and sensory overload issues.

Been to several large New Year's eve celebrations because I was a radio disc jockey and I was forced to be there in a professional capacity. Hated every minute of every one. They're loud, packed with obnoxious drunks engaged in inane pointless boring conversation, lots of whooping and hollering and seem to go on forever.

Been to several private parties which were almost as bad, just on a smaller scale. While some can be mildly entertaining for a few minutes, they get old fast, and having someone express keen interest in you for a while, then leave with someone else is just humiliating. I don't recommend it.

Sorry to tell you, but you really aren't missing anything except stress, awkwardness and embarrassment.

Hanging out with one or two other social misfits is a lot more interesting.

I'm sure you'll get the chance to find out for yourself eventually.

It is not an issue of whether I would actually like it or not.

It is an issue of NT's not being able to empathize with people who are not NT and the fact that they are not in a position to decide for me whether I am missing anything or not.

welcome to my world! i never had friends in HS, i didnt go to prom either, i had a date in order but she pulled the "disappearing act" (look up that thread) i never went to parties, not only would i not get invited, i didnt even know where they were. even if i had an interest in drinking or drugs i wouldnt have know how or where to get them.


and yes my NT mother would always downplay my expression of interest. one thing i did learn the hard way: true friends wont stab you in the back, they will shoot you in the face.

Got nothing to really add to this, but would like to thank those in this tread, made me have comprehensible word for something I wanted to express, not sure I will be able to express it myself when I will see the person I wanted to tell such thing to at end of the week, but at least will be able to make her read this if unable to say myself.

They were probably trying to make you feel better, console you as you seemed upset about missing those things. They probably did enjoy themselves at their prom etc but they would be a real jerk if you said "I missed out on my prom" and they said "Oh yes, I loved mine!" because it would be rubbing it in.

When they say you aren't missing out on anything they're just trying to make you feel less left out.

I never once went to big NY piss ups but I didn't care because it wasn't my thing. The only "party" I went to at school was the afterball. I had no friends or date at the actual ball obviously.

And tbh, people who didn't go to my ball WERN'T missing out on anything it was crap.

I agree, NTs are just trying to relate to you and make you feel better, but also there's a bit of truth in saying "You aren't missing much." True, you'd like to see for yourself if you'd like it, but we aspies also build up things like parties to be so wonderful and they just aren't - especially for us.

I was invited to parties and I went and they were really horrible. I spent the time trying to vanish behind the furniture having to listen to the small talk overload I was receiving. I saw the girl I liked making conversation with others and I hated it. I just wanted to leave and spent the time trying to find places in the party where I wouldn't be accosted.

I don't like parties. I think people like me do very badly at parties. You are missing pain. Sure, if you were a social person you may have a ball, but you aren't. Best to try to find one or maybe two people to hang out with and skip the parties.

As for how great it is to be intimate with someone, I can only speculate too, it is exasperating when people say "You aren't missing much." but take some solace in knowing there are lots of people with very limited or no experience in this, and just keep an eye out for that one person who could change all that. And remember the immortal words of spock - hero to all aspies - after Stonn "won" T'Pring in the Pon Farr challenge:

"After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."

Live long and prosper. \\//

I think that things like Parties and crowded celebrations often prove to be overwhelming to ASD people due to sensory overload, the unpredictability of the social situation, and also the saturation of small talk and joking which is different to the innate ways in which ASD people communicate. Therefore ASD people benefit less from these events.

I have lots of memories of sitting alone in my room, too. They're good memories.

Why are you buying into the idea that a good life consists of being utterly traditional about what you like, going to all the proms, going to all the parties?

In 1997, the year of Austin Powers, one night, when my mum, dad and I were driving home from a wedding of two of my sister's friends, I told my parents, that I was going to start going to bars and night clubs, to start meeting people. My dad told me, that those places weren't all that they were cracked up to be, and it was all just a bunch of people, pretending to have a good time. I really wanted to try making friends, but I didn't know the right places to make them.