I've found (maybe) my husband is an Asperger's

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Hi, I'm new here...
I just found this from Google... It's bcoz i think i discovered that my husband has a Aspeger Syndrom. But i think, he doesn't realize it...
I read all the article about this syndrom, although not 100% is the same as his behavior, but i'm sure at least 75% it is...
My question is : how to tell him, that i have a feeling maybe he has this syndrom, without make him feel offended? and the second is, how to handle a husband like him?
Thanks for friends who want to answer this.

Well what is he like and how exactly do you think he has it? That might help determine the best way.

He is like this : so often doing te same motion... He make a movement also the same few times, after he asked me something, he can reply it again and again, he is interesting to gathering with family and make conversation only if it's about history, he often said something hurt my feeling but he never realized it, he doesn't like to have a crowded place, he doesn't like with very bright light, he often can't sleeping good, he often hear something that maybe we can't hear so good...
Is it an Asperger?

Sounds like it could be. Aspergers is different in everyone. The best way i can think of is probably just bring it up at the time you think is perfect and maybe print something out about aspergers and show it to him after telling him and see what he thinks.

It's hard to say yes or no at this point. I would need more detailed inforomation about him. Like what repetative motions he makes. What the frequince of the repetative motions is. Do his interest limit his ability to preform dayle tasks or interfear with his social life. In a crowed place does he get overwhalmed to the point he has to leave to go to somewhear not so crowed. Take a look at the diagnostic criteria I have below and post a reply listing everything that aplys to him and I should be able to tell you more.

(I) Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:
(A) marked impairments in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body posture, and gestures to regulate social interaction
(B) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
(C) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interest or achievements with other people, (e.g.. by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
(D) lack of social or emotional reciprocity

(II) Restricted repetitive & stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:

(A) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus
(B) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals
(C) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g. hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)
(D) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects


(III) The disturbance causes clinically significant impairments in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

(IV) There is no clinically significant general delay in language (E.G. single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years)

(V) There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self help skills, adaptive behavior (other than in social interaction) and curiosity about the environment in childhood.

(VI) Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schizophrenia."

I would only bother to tell him if you are finding his issues really tough to deal with. a better way to approach this might be to jue=st tell him what specific things he needs to improve on. approaching a diagnosis will be pretty difficult.

Well... you know, it's his business. He's the one with possible autism; so he should be the one making the decisions about what to do about it, if anything. So I would advise you to talk to him about it as soon as you can.

What exactly are you "hoping" for, in your nickname? I have seen a few spouses of undiagnosed Aspies come in here thinking they could change their Aspie spouse to NT... it never ends well. AS is part of who they are, as fundamental as any other part of their personality. Most of the time, when the relationship is successful, both people compromise and learn to understand each other. AS is not the "wrong" way to think any more than NT is the "right" way--you would have to meet in the middle.

Hummm... i willl try to explain how is he in front of me :
1. When he wants to go inside the room, he can do like this : he will step inside the room, and then go out again, and again, and again.
2. When he is sitting on the chair for breakfast or whatever, he will do this : sitting so straight and then he move his back to the left, and straight again, and moving again to the left. Or... he wants to take some bread with his hand, but then he pull in again his hand, again and again untul 3 times maybe.
3. When he asked me about something, andd i answered him, and then he will asked me again, although i said "yes" and he asked me again the same question, and then he will repeat my answer and make a nod head.
4. He absolutely don't like to make a picture with the blitz.
5. He can't join in a family gathering in one table (it's always happened in my sister in law's house or his parents house) and talking about something, but if there's someone starting to talk about history, he an join there, and talking so excited... Non stop.
6. He's not able to watch the movie which is a little bit "cliches" and then he will say it's a rubbish, and so on... (in the middle of movie he can give a comment like this : Owh come on, it can't be like this, it's just an illusion..." Hellow, it's just a movie, and it's normal every movie have something "impossible")
7. He's very interesting only for history and reading books about "stocks" and as far as i know, he has some stocks, but not that much...
8. When he's sleeping, it's difficult for him, bcoz he said, he can hear my breathing, which is it's a normal breathing, and not a snoring...
9. When we had a fight, he will said something hurting me like "why you are so stupid, and not thinking so much,bla bla..." or sometimes he can say like this when i made a mistake "yes, you don't know anything bcoz you are coming from asian...and so on" And in this point, i feel hurting so much, and when he became not so angry anymore, i said to him i don't like his words, he said ' i didn't say this..." And then he will finished the problems just like that without any guilty feelings.
10. sometimes he said to me that he can't understand his parents, his sister, and me, he will say to me, they are difficult person. But for me, these people is not a difficult person.
11. He can't accept when someone shout to him (well, sometimes i shouted to him, because of his hurting words)
12. He can be nervous when someone asked him so many questions.

So, from this all what i saw, i tried to look from Google, and i found it that he could be have this Asperger's syndrom....
And i want to know is it really true or no...I want to know also, how to tell him, without make him offended and angry to me. He is now 43 years old. I know him for 4 years, and we just married 3 months. Until now i still love him, and i really hope that i can help him. It's also important for our relationship. Because we have a very hard and long way to be in this marriage. And i don't want to end it just like that...

I am married to a man with aspergers and if I had never had children I wouldn't have had a problem with it. Children made the world more demanding for him. What is tolerable when you are alone is different when there are children to consider. My children are happy well-adjusted kids BUT they have had a father that couldn't be a normal parent and they have seen a mother who couldn't rely on her husband to help her when she asked for help. I wish that they knew how wrong that is in a relationship. I hope that they don't tolerate that sort of behaviour too. I hope that they have partners that can empathise.

Those quirky things with movement that you mentioned are not really important. What I find unacceptable is that he calls you stupid and makes negative comments about your asian background. He should not treat you with so little respect. Whether he is or isn't an aspie is irrelevant. Partner's should not treat each other like that. I can understand that you want your marriage to work- it's a good attitude but please take care of yourself- you have a right to happiness too.

I think that it IS a good idea to tell him your suspicions- it's not his sole business, you are married to him.

Hoping for hope, I have written you a private message (look into your inbox).

BTW, from your writing it seems like English is not your first language. (Don't worry, we can read it just fine.) I'm mentioning this because where you are in the world changes how your husband would be perceived if he had an official diagnosis, and changes how easy it is to get a good evaluation by a competent doctor.

Are you in Germany? Your grammar seems kind of German. Total guess there, though.

Anyway, in some places, it is a very bad thing to be known as "disabled", because of how the world thinks about it. In some places, a "disabled" person is essentially worthless, and shouldn't even be out in public. Other places, it's just a little bit more difficult to get accommodations. And of course, the law is different everywhere, and the medical profession is different. So, once again: I think it's important that your husband is the one making decisions about these things, because he's the one who might be given a diagnosis that could cause problems for him, or could help him a great deal.

Regarding handling him... well, you've got a new marriage and it's always difficult to make that transition. I think he's just learning to handle you, too. To him, you are probably rather illogical, unpredictable, dependent on other people for socializing. He has to get used to a new living situation (I didn't get used to a new apartment for a year, and I live alone in it). He has to get used to a lot of things, including the little things about you that annoy him, just like you have to get used to living with him.

Taking pictures with flash is definitely a sensory shock. I don't blame him for not liking that. He's probably rather sensitive to it--it hurts his eyes and might even give him a headache for the rest of the day. Shouting is the same way--it may be physically painful.

Talking to lots of people at once is very difficult. Keeping your attention on all of them at once... wow, a hard problem to solve. And it's difficult to think of things to say quickly enough to participate in a conversation, or to answer lots of questions one right after the other. Most of us can't do it that well. It's no wonder he focuses on one person at a time, with a subject he's familiar with. That's the easiest way for him to communicate, at least in speech.

Have you thought about having separate beds, or separate rooms? A little room for one of you to sleep in, and then the big bedroom when you two want to be together. Lots of people who snore or sleepwalk or kick in their sleep solve the problem that way.

[quote="StuartN"


How you handle him is an unusual question. You chose to marry him, and he probably has not changed since you made that decision (especially if he has Asperger syndrome), so make sure you are clear in your mind what it is that you are handling. If you have other relationship issues, don't blame it on his Asperger's, or his personality, or other aspects of his identity that were part of the person you married. You can not change his identity, if that is what you mean by "handle".

Of course Asperger syndrome has a big impact on a relationship, but people with Asperger syndrome can be as good or as bad a partner as anyone else. Learning about autistic spectrum disorder, if he has it, will help you both.[/quote]

what i mean with handle, actually is like this : for example if we had a fight, or the way he complain, i have no idea how to make myself thinking "don't make additional fire in it..." Becoz sometimes the way he's complaining is like i'm under his foot...
And that's true my husband can be so nice also to me so care and very good, but how's my feeling if after this in the next time just because i made a small mistake, he can't accept it, and then he angry to me and said some hurting feelings? this is what i can't handle...
Off course i can't change him, i just want to know how to handle this situation.
Btw, i will try this test also to him... And i want to see the result then...
Thanks so much anyway...