The complacency's always been staged

Post Reply New Topic

Today is the day. I've spent 21 years trapped in my own mental prison and today I am walking right out the front door.

disclaimer - please don't judge me based on my writing ability, i have too much to say (if i tried to make this perfect, it would take me hours and hours of rereading and stressing over meaningless details so i'm just gonna put as much as i can out there and try not to worry about how it looks)

i can't keep going on this way forever. nobody in my life even knows the real me. everything is just a show. what do i look like? a good looking, financially successful kid in his early 20's without a worry in the world. what is my life actually like? unless i'm working or at the gym, i sit home alone all day and night wishing i had somebody to talk to (REALLY talk to). by the time i turned 18 i became so good at lying i started to believe my own lies.

second year of high school was when i decided to make a change. i was honestly pretty content keeping to myself and spending all of my time in my room but i couldn't do that to my parents. they both love me so much. it was killing them to see me "not doing anything with my life". so i devised a plan. i sat down, thought to myself, and tried to come up with the best possible way to start fitting in and making friends. i decided my best shot was to work on my appearance and to start learning about things i thought my peers would be interested in. so i changed my wardrobe (got rid of my sweatshirts with dragons on them lmao) started working out, started playing football, and learning about the NFL. (NTs loooveeeeeeeeeeee talking football) i joined the football team after putting on some weight and to start making friends i scripted lie after lie after lie. to explain why nobody knew me, i made up a fictional girlfriend / break up. said i was dating a girl from another school since freshman year and finally decided to get rid of her and start partying. i fit right in.

i was always very good at understanding what i could do and what i couldn't do. could i just go over a friend's house and spend a few hours just bullshitting and watching a game? no. but could i come up with witty texts and facebook statuses, and prescript enough clever things to say during a house party? yes. by senior year i was one of the most popular kids in school without actually having a single real friend that knew anything about me.

anyways. naturally my next step was getting a girlfriend. i spent weeks carefully deciding on a girl to pursue. me being an insecure teenager with a myriad of undiagnosed mental illnesses, i decided that my first girlfriend HAD to be a socially awkward girl that i knew was a virgin. guess what? new shy girl in school shows up just a few weeks later. just moved here, and the second i saw her i decided she was the one. i was successful in my pursuit and ended up spending over two years with this girl. and unfortunately, even though i was madly in love with her (and sadly, still am years later) i never admitted it and honestly treated this poor girl like garbage. i was manipulative. i was condescending. i was controlling. i was evil. she was so in love with me she stuck by me through all the emotional abuse and at the time i was too stupid and blinded by my own misguided perceptions of the world to realize what kind of person i had become.

when this relationship finally ended, i was devastated even though i never showed it. i was in complete denial and was using drugs and alcohol to blur my reality. in order to get back into the social scene after spending so much time in a relationship, i decided i needed money. i had none and this was a problem. one thing most people universally valued was money so i figured if i had money things would fall back into place. plus, my parents were struggling financially and i could never live with myself if i didn't do everything in my power to support the only two people that have loved me unconditionally for my entire life. this led me to the next chapter of my life, gambling, drugs, alcohol, and poker.

i'm going to skip through that entire part of my life because honestly there's too much to say and it's overwhelming just thinking about it all. so i'm just going to fast forward to right now. i've accomplished everything i set out to do. i set my parents and younger siblings up financially for life. i'm in good shape and dress decently enough. i portray an image that i feel most NTs would like and appreciate. but it's all BS. and honestly it seems like the few "friends" i have are starting to catch on to me. i have thousands of carefully crafted excuses to get out of social events that come naturally to everyone else but how many times can i back out of going somewhere or doing something before people start noticing? this isn't high school anymore i can't keep relying on social media and texts to maintain my social status. it's a joke.

if i'm not prepared something as harmless as a female trying to flirt with me will keep me up for days. i freeze up, turn bright red, and just escape the situation any way that i can. somebody calling me? unless i know exactly what the conversation is going to be about you can count on me to ignore the phone call and text you a few hours later, after i've come up with some things to say. things as stupid as a f*****g text message will stress me out. always trying to say the "right thing" and always be funny to make up for my lack of real conversation with actual substance. small talk terrifies me. do NTs really enjoy asking eachother questions that they don't care about the answer to? oh god and don't even get me started on trying to figure things out while around other people. something as simple as a instruction booklet for putting a desk chair together will completely stump me if i know someone is watching me. my mind completely blanks out when i feel like others are noticing me / watching what i'm doing. i'll completely lose my train of thought and just blankly stare.

anyways. the last couple of months have been huge for me. hundreds of hours of self-analysis and introspection (with some marijuana sprinkled in here and there) has really helped me better understand both my own shortcomings as a person and happiness itself. i don't NEED to do any of these things to be happy. i don't need to have an expensive car and live in a mansion. i don't need to try impress everyone i see. i don't need to always say interesting / witty things. i don't need my peers to envy me. i don't need to go out to bars and drink myself into oblivion every weekend. all i need is a couple of close friends that i can be my normal eccentric self around and to find a partner that will love me for me. someone that i can open up to and that can open up to me. no more hiding behind pointless lies. i've realized that my dream life is to spend most of my time sitting around at home with my SO laughing at random things on the internet, watching movies, have both passionate sex AND the kind of sex where we can comfortably just laugh with each other, being able to discuss interests and passions without worrying about being judged. and when i get bored? go out! or go travel somewhere new and exciting! i finally realized it doesn't have to be all or nothing anymore and i'm so so so so excited about it. even though i'm not where i want to be just yet, i can honestly say i finally know where it is i want to go AND that i'm fully capable of getting there eventually. maybe life has a happy ending after all.

oh my god i just typed all this out and don't want to hit submit. i know if i go back and reread this i'll just get embarrassed and delete it so i'm gonna just pull the trigger right now. curious to see how this unfolds. will it be completely ignored? will people reach out? do i come across as a good person? or as a self centered douchebag? time will tell lol

I think you sound like a very good and real person. It sounds like you are ready to "walk out the door" and create the new chapter of your life. Please share some of your goals/thoughts about the future...if you feel comfortable sharing them here. Would like to hear more about the plans you have for your life.

I've been struggling with the idea on and off about changing myself enough to fit in with a certain group of people, especially this one guy. But it angered me that I kept thinking that because I've been the opposite to you. Been too much myself. An embarrassing geek/nerd whose interests are either boring or immature to others. But God I love them and I know they keep me happy.

I struggle to say anything to people unless I become impulsive, which is usually what happens.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that your post reminded me of how much pretending to be something I'm not would be a mistake. I tried to dress 'girly' and dresses literally made me feel fake, plus they itched. It was easy to attract attention. It was almost comical seeing boys finally give me attention. But like you I'd rather find someone who will accept me for me so I don't have to hide anything.

It seems that you don't have A.S. but what is called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's very hard to cure, but the good news is that you have hit emotional rock bottom and realized that, at the core of your wounded soul, you desire true relationship. There is hope now. Good luck.

NPD and AS? To me that's like dividing by zero, but I suppose it's possible.

I don't understand that, but I'm only an armchair psychologist.

So the real question is, how are you going to recover? When the "narcissistic wound" is so very deep, it's extremely hard to learn empathy and to achieve a real inner sense of right and wrong. In fact, if the wound is too deep there can be a tendency toward sociopathy.

I ask this out of concern, and also some wonderment, because in my experience you face a colossal undertaking to which I pray you will find success.

You are welcome. And, ty for the comment/question. For starters, my plans are to continue in the mental health field. I'm not entirely sure in what capacity but am trying to narrow it down to one or two niches. I like working with all ages of clients and do have a special interest in Veterans and have done some research into various personality disorders. Mainly, I'd like to eventually work with adults that were raised by a parent(s) that had a pd.

Anyhow...I applaud you for talking about both of your diagnoses. That is a step in the right direction. Also, although I know that there may be opposing views on this...imho, trying to change in order to adapt in a NT saturated world should not always be seen as a "sell out."
What I mean by this is, adapting may help a person keep a job, maintain friendships/partners, and so forth. Even animals and plants adapt, so I don't see an issue with humans adapting in their environments, too.

Your willingness and openness in sharing your thoughts by creating this topic is appreciated.

You are welcome. And, ty for the comment/question. For starters, my plans are to continue in the mental health field. I'm not entirely sure in what capacity but am trying to narrow it down to one or two niches. I like working with all ages of clients and do have a special interest in Veterans and have done some research into various personality disorders. Mainly, I'd like to eventually work with adults that were raised by a parent(s) that had a pd.

Anyhow...I applaud you for talking about both of your diagnoses. That is a step in the right direction. Also, although I know that there may be opposing views on this...imho, trying to change in order to adapt in a NT saturated world should not always be seen as a "sell out."
What I mean by this is, adapting may help a person keep a job, maintain friendships/partners, and so forth. Even animals and plants adapt, so I don't see an issue with humans adapting in their environments, too.

Your willingness and openness in sharing your thoughts by creating this topic is appreciated.

Frankly, I cannot stand psychotherapy. But for someone with NPD to break free and "do it himself" is a bit like claiming the existence of a perpetual motion machine. I think you'll need a very good therapist to help you.