Friends and Grief

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I figure this is the only place I'll get an understandable explanation, so I have a question.
What do you do when a friend (let's say a close friend) loses someone close to him/her? I mean... I can get as far as "I'm sorry," but beyond that, I don't know what one can say or do to convey sympathy/empathy, or to help or be supportive. It's a situation in which I fear I may find myself soon, and probably increasingly often (as people get older, of course), and it would be better to know well in advance. I don't know what to do - I didn't even know how to react when it happened to me - and so any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I'd like to know what things to say and do (including even the small gestures and things... this is a pretty bad situation to get wrong...)
Thank you.

I recently had a friend lose her 4 year old son in a horrible accident. I couldn't even bring myself to say I was sorry. It's not that I wasn't. The news upset me greatly and I really was sorry that she had to go through that.

The thing is, everything I could come up with sounded hollow. I know "I'm sorry" was always hollow to me when I suffered a loss.

My advice is always just to listen to the friend. If they tell you to go away, then go away. If they appear to need help with their day to day activities, help them. If they need to vent, be their punching bag for a while. (figuratively, of course...)

The truth is, there is no right way to handle a friend that's experiencing grief. Everyone is different and needs something different from their friends.

You're right. Everyone is individual, and really, in a situation like that, words are pretty meaningless.
I guess I was just looking for some kind of starting point, something to say, do, so that I wasn't just standing there looking callous and uncaring. Y'know, like, do you just say you're sorry and then stand there? Ask them what they need? Offer a hug? I mean, obviously the response needs to be individualized, but there has to be some generic-ish starting point that people use while they're feeling out the situation to figure out what to do to help a friend...

I cannot comfort people physically, not really. I think the best thing for you to do is say "Well, if you need to talk I'm here." That way you aren't pushing anything but they know they can come to you.

humm. ask how theyre coping? let them know you're there if they need anything/want someone to talk to? if you knew the person who died then people usually like to talk about them, like share funny stories or nice memories. or maybe if youve lost someone close recently too you could use that experience to empathise with them and give advice/words of wisdom. and if theyre responsible for arranging the funeral perhaps you could offer to help out a little to take off some of the stress? it all depends on the person and how close you are.

im not really sure though:/.im sure wiser people will come along soon...

I always go with helping them or letting them talk about the person they lost. The starting point? "Is there anything I can help you with?" or "If you want to talk, I'm here. I will listen."

I agree....That seems like the safest thing to do. Especially if you have difficulty understanding social cues like body language or tone of voice, it may be hard to gauge whether your friend wants to be left alone or wants to talk. If you say that you are around to talk if he/she wants then they you care and are around.They will usually come to you if they do need to talk.


If you don't feel comfortable giving a hug or otherwise making pysical contact then don't do it! If you do feel comfortable giving pysical comfort....maybe you could ask your friend if he/she "needs a hug". Just like some people don't like to give hugs.. some people don't like to be hugged at all. I am like that sometimes...not wanting to be touched... when I am really upset.

Good luck and I'm sorry about your friend OP.

I hate being touched.

Just don't say to them, "That person was old - people don't last forever, you know!" I'm still grudging against my mum, for using that on me, two weeks ago, today.