Am I being selfish?/How to explain this to an NT?

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I have a good NT friend who has mental health issues. Being an abnormal psychology guru, I love talking to him about CBT and explain to him at length how he could deal with his problems, citing different examples from my own research. I recently posted a question on my Facebook status, asking my friends whether they honestly think that I talk too much about myself. Everyone said no, except for this friend of mine. I asked him to clarify, because it was odd that he said that since I don't even remember one recent instance where I willingly talked about my own life with him. He told me that he said that because I always talk about my narrow interests. I had a chat with him on the phone and I tried to explain my narrow interests to him. I said, well, I talk about the same thing all the time because that's just how my mind works, if you talk about something else, I just blank out and cannot contribute much, but I have to be polite and go along with it. I said, after talking about something else with you, I will go off and repetitively research my own interest non-stop for an hour or two. And he's like, well, you have to think about other people too and what they want to talk about. My mother tells me the same thing... she says, you've got to think about other people, about whether the way you act in public makes them uncomfortable, and being awkward apparently does.

So am I selfish? I consider myself to be a very giving and caring person. I am ready to do anything for the people I respect, just because I want to make them happy. My values are directed not towards satisfying my own needs, but towards satisfying other people's needs. I live to make a difference in other people's lives, but they end up saying that I'm selfish.

That's a huge contradiction. I don't know how to prove that I care about others, because apparently others think that I don't.

And how do I explain that in order to function properly, I need to interact with my narrow interest at any occasion?

I have to admit, at the back of my mind, I don't feel like I want to talk to him anymore. I just want to spend days reading my psychology books. But I also don't want to upset anyone. I am always very eager to meet new people, and some of them become attached to me for whatever reason, but when I realize who they really are, sometimes they begin to really frustrate me...

It doesn't sound like you're selfish. If you're very giving of yourself in every other way, but you have to spend considerable time with your interest, that's just a way to be; it's your personality; people should make an effort to understand it, or, at the very least, meet you half-way. A good friend with a one-track mind is still a good friend.

People with AS frequently need to take it upon themselves to make a conscious effort to give others the time to speak about their interests and their problems in life.

That being said, you also need to allow time for your own interests, and this cannot be any which time you feel like it if you are in the presence of other people with whom you are expected to converse.

There are different types of people in the world. Some people prefer to talk more and some people prefer to listen more.

Then there is another type of person. They don't prefer to talk more, but at the same time, they want people to prompt them to talk. They are the shy passive aggressive type. They are the type that will let someone go on and on about something even though they are completely dis-interested and would like the other person to INVITE them to speak, and they will never alert the other person to this on their own.

These people accumulate bottled up resentment and a lot of people on here are going to fall into that category....so to them, STOP IT. If you want to say something in a conversation say it, even if you have to interrupt to get a word in edgewise.

Anyway your friend might fall into this category. It might be that he falls somewhat into this category and you fall into the category of those who prefer to do the talking.

When you are with him make more effort to give him clear opportunities to participate in the conversation.

Don't post a question on facebook if you are not prepared for an honest answer. It sounds like your "friend" was just trying to give a truthful answer, and you took it to heart. Perhaps in his opinion, you do speak too much about your narrow interests.....so what? Try to tone it down with him if you want to keep the friendship. If not....well, it sounds like you have a lot of other friends who like you just the way you are. Count your blessings, my friend!

About being selfish....I think it is tough for an Aspie sometimes to not appear to be selfish. I'm sure you truly have a good heart, sometimes you're probably not aware of what other people want or expect, which may register as being selfish to them....that's not your fault. Perhaps you are sometimes a little oblivious, but certainly not selfish.

It's one person. If it's just one person who's bothered by something, I wouldn't worry about it.

That has happened to me in the past, both as the recipient and the doer. It's part of the reason I don't really talk about my non-gaming related interests anymore. The best advice I could give you would be to give more opportunities for him to speak, which I realize can be pretty hard to gauge, at least in my case.

Selfish would not be a word that comes to mind. Everyone gets caught up in their own worlds at times. That's a fact. You shouldn't have to prove yourself to others. As long as your true to yourself and true to your friends and family. Your intentions and actions over time will show a greater picture.

When the conversational topic veers into topics your not interested in, like movies, you quiet down but are respective towards other people. If the other people get carried away in their love of ie. movies you politely remind them that said movies aren't the only thing we could talk about. There's nothing selfish about that, we all do this too (NT or otherwise). It helps keep momentum.

Just breath.

I havent been called selfish but I have been refered to as self centred and that I did used to talk on and on about the things that interest me, and for me I couldnt work out how much was too much, etc so now I dont speak about my interests with anyone. which of course now makes people say im distant and I dont let them in.. I give up.

it is so hard to find that balance not to mention its exhausting to try

Dnt worry ur frnd clrly doesn understnd the way u communicate often NTs thnk of us as selfish becuz they do not undrstnd what we aspies go thrugh it is ok though. he is probably not a gd frend nyway








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