Tips on Adjusting to Changes?

Post Reply New Topic

After raising 4 kids they grew up and moved out and I went through a terrible time - for weeks/months. Really stressful, really anxiety ridden, lots of panic attacks and problems.

They live approx 1 hour away and 2 of them each had a baby, so I have 2 grandbabies, and they visit about every 2 or 3 weeks. Usually they all come here or sometimes I go up there but we have a good time together.

5 weeks ago my daughter started a job but could only take it if I could keep her little 4 year old overnight on the weekends. Sat. half the day, overnight, Sunday all day, she picks him up Sun evening. It was a big deal that she got this job so of course I agreed and started having him over 2 days each week now.

I love him totally, he's a VERY good little guy (and I strongly suspect some AS already btw) so it's not like he's a problem, the problem is me.

After going through so much to get comfortable in my own new routine finally, it's just unbelievably jarring to have the responsibility of this little guy 2 days each week. I find myself dreading the weekend, which makes no sense because I truly love him, but I dread the stress of the routine changing up.

I don't sleep when he's here - literally - and I take pills even to try and make myself sleep. I'm just so wired I lay in bed and worry and my mind won't shut off so the hours go by. Pretty soon he's awake and I'm forced to be up, without sleep, and struggling through the day a wreck.

It takes at least 2 full days and nights of being upset and disoriented even after he leaves, so it's getting to be about Wednesday or Thursday before I feel 'ok' again, and then I know he's coming again on Sat

He is sooooo happy to be here - very sweet - really a good little person - and it's such a huge blessing for my daughter, I know this is the perfect situation and I get to spend this time with him which everyone I know says wow you're so lucky and you get to be a big part of your grandson's life, etc. Everything is great ....

But I'm a neurotic wreck. If I weren't me then this would all be perfect!!

Any suggestions? I just can't get past the jarring changes. Normally I'm a nocturnal person and I really have my life and my work structured around being awake until 2 or 3 am, but he's a little kid. He usually is asleep by 10 at home but is so excited here it's usually 12 or so when he gets to sleep. And he's up by 8 or 9. That alone is so upsetting because I can't change my body rhythms so suddenly on just that one night.

This is really a problem for me. I just wondered if anyone has had any luck with learning to adjust to things easier.

I tend to have a very different schedule on the weekdays and weekends. On weekends, I tend to shift to my "natural" cycle of going to bed around 2:00 and waking up between 9:00, 10:00, or later. Most of the time on the weekend, I fall asleep quickly and sleep soundly. Much as I wish that would fly during the work week, it won't. I take Benadryl Sunday nights to help make me tired by midnight, and it usually works. Sometimes I have to do this a few other nights during the week to keep me tired at the right time. It sounds like sleep pills aren't doing the trick for you in this situation, so I'm not sure I have much advice to offer. Anything happening the next day, whether I'm excited about it or dreading it, has serious potential to cause me have a restless night, and nothing bothers me worse than too little sleep. I know how hard it can be to calm your brain. I'll lay in bed and tell myself, "Stop thinking brain, absolutely NOTHING you're thinking about right now is productive. The ONLY thing that matters right now is sleep, so STOP THINKING."

I could be very wrong, but I'm not so sure whether learning to adjust to change in general is as important for you as is just learning how to fall asleep more easily. As you head toward bed, all I can suggest is doing an activity that will leave your mind as blank as possible. If you let sleepless nights become the norm on these weekends when you keep your grandson, then you might find the pattern difficult to escape. Good luck! I can truly relate to how frustrating it is to not sleep.

I wish I had more advice for adjusting to change in general, but unfortunately I don't think I can help much with that.

Thanks for the understanding. You're right about the sleep thing. If that part were conquered maybe the whole weekend and the routine shift might be easier. If I could sleep well and get through a good Sunday rested I'd find out if that alone is the problem.

I just have a feeling of being on alert and responsible when he's here, which is irrational. I know everything is fine, but I can't rest.

When I was a teenager I used to babysit, mostly for this one family. They had 3 kids and the parents many times would go out really late - they'd tell me ahead of time they were planning to be really late so don't make myself wait up for them. I made dinner for the kids and cleaned up and got them baths and stories and in bed and asleep just fine. Then I was told to please make myself comfortable on the couch and sleep, they were very clear that I wasn't expected to sit up all night and wait for them because it might be 2 or 4 am before they returned.

I Never, EVER fell asleep for even a moment on a babysitting job. Even when one couple came in at 6 am one time. I was still wide awake. Never could even consider getting comfortable enough to sleep. I guess it's because I knew I was on duty and I took it very very seriously that I was in charge.

I think it's the same sort of thing now. But all the years with kids of my own it wasn't like that, even tho I truly was in charge and on duty. It was just so normal and just the everday routine to all be home and go to bed and go to sleep. This is such a jarring change and I haven't found anything to help me relax or shut down enough.

A note - I hate pills and hate drugs and don't do well at all taking even the smallest ones. I used some Benadryl, extra magnesium, melatonin, and even some Nyquil to try to make myself sleep and nothing. All it did was make me feel really worse and hungover and drugged the next day. I have some Xanax in the house that was prescribed a few years ago for some dental work and I was so desperate one night by 5 am I took half of one. The most I ever even needed for the dental work was 1/2 of one so this was a big deal. It seemed to take the edge off and I finally fell asleep by around 5:30 or 6 and then he was up at 8 and I was sooo hungover and goofy feeling It was even harder to deal with things with that stuff in my body.

I'm trying to do this like a normal person and just enjoy the time and go with the flow and make the little adjustments, hopefully without any drugs, but so far it's not happening.

It seems to be your sleep problems are due to anxiety created by feelings of high responsibility/accountability to others and perhaps corresponding fears of failing or something going wrong.

The fact that you sleep fine by mid-week and the situation you described when you babysat. leads me to that conjecture.

I would say, the answer to your sleep woes lies in trying to replicate the comfort state you felt when you were a young mom. You mention that you did not have sleep anxiety when your own kids were little. So, I would say that treating your sweet grandchild as if he were your own, remembering your own confidence as a mum and not treating it like babysitting

From a practical standpoint, I would also suggest getting the wee guy to bed at a much earlier time, so you are not wound up yourself into the late hours. When at your place it might be easy to fall into it being all special and fun and games exciting away from home. But, if you want to ensure more of a relaxing and less stressing (on you) routine, then I do believe it's in your best interest to treat his weekend stays with you like any other night of the week at home - ie. his dinner, bath time should be early in the evening, followed by a quiet "wind down" time. This would have the added benefit of relaxing you as well.

You are a fortunate grandma. Give it some time and it should all work out. Good luck

I find that I can NOT have two very different bedtimes next to each other. If I try, one night, to stay up way later than usual, it just doesn't work. There have been some rather amusing outcomes at times when I tried, such as when I fell asleep on the couch at a friend's party, right in the middle of conversation and hubbub. On the other hand, if I try to go to bed more than about 30 minutes earlier than I'm used to, then I just simply won't sleep. I can get sleepy around my normal bedtime, but if I've been really anxious about not being able to sleep, then usually I'm too wound up when my normal bedtime comes around to be able to sleep anyway. This sounds a bit like what you're describing. Perhaps it would help to try to keep an earlier bedtime 7 days a week? It sounds like keeping him would be really rewarding if only you could sleep and not be so nervous about it, so it might be worth shifting your usual sleep habits for as long as he stays with you on the weekends.

Question: When your own kids were little, did you stay up late at all?