How to deal with lonliness

Post Reply New Topic

Because of the problems related to Aspergers and other factors, women find me boring and not worth their consideration. I find myself lonely and longing for the companionship that only a woman can provide. Does anyone have suggestions on how I can cope? I would like the companionship of a woman and a romantic encounter but unfortunately that isn't an option for me and I cannot figure out a way to deal with the depression and loneliness I feel as well as urges to have physical contact with a woman. It is hard for me to go out in public and see other guys with girlfriends/wives and realize that I am not considered attractive by women because of my poor social skills and other problems. Instead of taking a woman out to dinner on a date or a movie, I end up going by myself to dinner or a movie and I can't deal with being alone, I just need to be with someone but my personality and not wanting to socialize at times makes it impossible for any kind of romance in my life.

I think most of us probably cope by absorbing ourselves in our interests. Try not to dwell on what you don't have, that only makes the problem seem bigger. Work on your interests, work on yourself. Maybe it will happen for you one day. I wouldn't go to dinner or movies if you find it too painful.

.. I haven't responded here for months, yet your post attracted me.
I am self diag aspi tho a good friend herself also aspi says theres no doubt. There will be much cleverer people than me respond to this.

Ehm... please never go for a meal or the flicks by yourself... that wld be intolerable to me. it wld hammer home the isolation. Tho I have done both when younger and before by incredible luck I met my wife of thirty two years. We have our ups and downs.. its not all bliss.

My advice is pursue your interests and your work, become excellent at whatever you do.
This socialising thing is funny, buggered if i can work it out. I think girlfriend success is to do with being 'in' a social network. Also as well I know in my case being with overcontrolling sh***y parents till seventeen and horribly suppressed and bullied and marginalised at school I did not really develop a personality. Its only moving away at seventeen and three decades of self employment that have enabled me to build very slowly my own personality and be 'freer' and easier (a little) with people. Tho like I guess all aspis we develop radar for situations to avoid. Hope this helps.

The suggestions in this thread so far sound good. On the positive side, situations like this for Aspies will now improve a lot as compared to when the internet didn't exist. The internet is a life-saver for most Aspies. I think that it's where most of us Aspies will find real friends.

UtahOutcast,

My advice is that you focus on finding and developing whatever friendships with women you can online. When you've found potential prospects, the ones which will be truly worth the time to pursue will develop naturally. It may take years, but at least that's better than what the chances are when trying to do the same thing offline (unless, of course you can attend Aspie group meetings, like GRASP, and maybe meet women there).

When I'm with my friends, I have great strength and power. Without my friends, I'm defenseless and lonely. Durring my lonely nights, I listen to The Kinks and post on WP for 4 hours straight.

First I have to say, that I understand you.
I'm a woman, but have the same problem finding a guy.
But if you search desperately you will not find the right girl. And don't go to dinner alone, even imagine it makes me sad.
The online thing is a very good suggestion. Its much easier to communicate online, you don't have to read bodylanguage so you don't make the same amount of mistakes you would offline.
I hope finding somebody this way, even if it takes years.

Find company.

Doing volunteer work is one way.

ruveyn

You only fail when you quit trying to succeed.

Last edited by faithfilly on 31 Oct 2010, 7:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

i know exactly how you feel utah outcast. i wish i had some better news but life is snob. such is our existance. just dont ever get so down on yourself that you blow your head off

i know from my prespective if i never meet a girl, fall inlove and have a family i'll get old gracefully and full of life!

i can be a snob right back to life

Wear a smile when you are out, try to keep good posture (shoulders back, head up..etc) if you meet a girl online or in person ask about her interests and get her to talk about herself.. avoid talking about yourself too much. If you get past the first date, avoid calling too often.. these are mistakes I learned the hard way.. try them, they work..

My biggest problem was noticing when a girl was interested in me.. I was oblivious to the signals and my friends often asked why I didn't make a move.. lol

Good luck!

P.S. I had stopped wearing my wedding ring due to shorting stuff out with it in the shop.. I had to start wearing it again after I learned to notice the signals (apparently I ain't bad lookin after all!)

I am very much in the same situation. I have not been able to get many relationships to form and what ones that do form end in disaster within a few months. Unfortunately, my experience with online dating sites has not been particularly favourable. I have a great fascination with the human condition and enjoy studying people. However, I have had a few relationships from online dating sites that have shown me the extreme conditions of violent sociopaths that carry their own serious "baggage." The sites can be very useful and can help you develop social skills, but you must still be very guarded and cautious.

I wish I had better information to help you. I am grateful you posted this discussion. I hope to learn something from it as well.

Yes, it happens to me some of the time too. Usually when I am in a park and I see a couple holding hands, it will hit me. I don't mind going to the movies or out to eat alone as long as I have a task to keep me busy then I am fine, but if it bugs you then don't do it until you're more comfortable. I find avoiding something to be much more detrimental in the long run. Right now, I am avoiding going to a party, not because I will not have a good time, but because my mind convinces me that I won't. I will end up going and everything will end up going well I am sure. Ultimately to succeed at what you want you have to put yourself out there. Sounds like you need to work at learning how to express yourself better so you don't feel so boring, and gaining some confidence. You will be surprised at how both people look at you in a new light and how you feel about yourself.

Thanks for your help everyone. I've tried online dating sites but I happen to be a short guy (5'2") and never get responses from women since they are looking for the "Tall, Dark, and Handsome" men. I just got rejected by a woman I thought was interested in me today and she won't even talk to me. It's gotten to the point I can't stand where I work (the place I met her). I'm about the only person who can say they got rejected by eHarmony which is a testimony to how much I am not dating material. I've met some women but they see me as boring and drop me after the first date. I just give up! I can't stand going to restaurants and movies alone but I like to do these activities. I also like to take vacations but end up having to take vacations alone. It's been hard for me because almost everywhere I look there are couple hugging, kissing, etc and I just wish I was good enough to be with someone but I am a reject. I've always wondered why I've even been placed in this world. Was I put in this world as an object to be made fun of and for people to compare themselves to when they are down and say "well, at least I'm not as bad as that guy"?

How about try an older woman? They're probably a bit more mature, more open minded, and don't hold onto their romantic ideals as much. Of course this is assuming you don't care about having children or not.

I don't have any advise for what to do to make things better except learn from others' mistakes. Don't flirt or hit on girls all the time just to look like you have balls in front of your guy friends. This marks you as a player and worse, a womanizer.

Typical Aspie = Introverted, shy, reclusive and a loner.

Do things that interest you and do not worry about things you do not have like good people skills and an extroverted outgoing personality.