Difficulty accepting other people

Post Reply New Topic

Hello Everyone,

I am new to this whole thing.

I have read some of the discussions and it seems many people say about how they feel lonely. Some people say it is because they are happy to be lonely and some don't know why. I haven't read all of them, so probably this issue has already been discussed.

Personally, I think I can sort of explain one of the reasons why I think am lonely and I was interested to know if other people feel they have the same sort of "problem".

I once saw an episode of Seinfeld when one of the characters ( George Costanza ) said something like (about a woman) "sweet is nice but too sweet makes you throw up".

I am not specifically referring to a woman, but it seems that for me I get this same sort of feeling of queeziness when I get to know someone and they start getting too familiar with me or for want of a better word start to sort of trying to "bond" with me - even the word "bond" makes me feel sick. And that's not necessarily because I have a low opinion of them or think I am somehow better than them. And it's also not because I am a loveless, soulless uncaring person. It is just because I feel strangely uncomfortable when I feel that I somehow I have to get close to them at their pace and on their terms.

As a specific example, when I get to know a girl ( on rare occassions ), and I hit it off with them, and then they start trying to sweet talk or get "silly" or get intimate ( not in a physical way more like a platonic way ) - I get totally turned off. (Intimate is another word that gets me sick). And I realise that no woman is going to put up with that for very long; Its a real quick way for getting dumped. I feel it is impossible to explain to them what the problem is. And it's a similar problem with just making friends in general. It's as if my brain has a self-sensoring mechanism.

The typical responses would be "well you have to lighten up", or "you just have to tolerate these little things to get past the initial stages" or something like that. But if they where me, or people who think like me, they probably wouldn't find that so easy.

I know these feelings are probably not specific to autistic spectrum people, but does anyone have the same weird feelings and experiences?

Oh yea,

Now armed with some knowledge about AS and looking back on past relationships I can relate to what you describe.

But also armed with that knowledge I can say that it was probably due to the fact that as the relationship progressed I was expected to be able to pick up on those subtle clues that totally escape the typical AS person. And that would lead to confusion, stress, anxiety, etc.

Yeah I get it. When someone wants to be around me too much I get that queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's a very distinct feeling, too - not like digestive queasiness. It's part of the reasons I have so few friends - they make me feel ill.

There are pheromones and antipheromones and skunk spray. Extrapolating from my own life [and backing away from certain people and situations as fast as I could get], I woiuld suggest this is a prosurvival mechanism to keep you distant from relkationships that would sooner or later be seriously no-go.

I would hypothesize that the time will come when ingoing interaction wiull draw you in not pull you out. Wait for it and accept the omen.

I found plenty of KEEP OUT signs and a few SHORT TERM PARKING relatuonhips. In time, one or two WELCOME signs.

AdamTheFirst wrote (in part): Hello Everyone,

I am new to this whole thing....I have read some of the discussions and it seems many people say about how they feel lonely. Some people say it is because they are happy to be lonely and some don't know why. I haven't read all of them, so probably this issue has already been discussed...I know these feelings are probably not specific to autistic spectrum people, but does anyone have the same weird feelings and experiences?

----

Your feelings and experiences are very common (my view).

That's without even mixing some very strange, extremist ideas about normal human marriage which come from one or more non-profit, tax-exempt religions around the world along the lines of virgins giving birth and women being viewed as being incompetent to be dentists, doctors, presidents, prime ministers, teachers, or priests due to their gender only (gender discrimination).

General comments toward the idea of balance

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_and_Marriage (Frank Sinatra)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Our_Town

Most persons in society have normal feelings and emotions at times.

Some of those with Asperger's or autism (etc.) may have different feelings/lack of feelings/different emotions/lack of emotions and can view the entire topic a little differently.

Regarding this idea of marriage, Temple Grandin has more than once said she may likely never marry due to her autism and how she feels/doesn't feel standard emotions.

People are different.

No one has to marry if they don't want to. No one has to stay single if they want to marry.

http://www.hbo.com/movies/temple-grandin/index.html

People do what is best for them so the answers to this entire topic vary a lot.

I deeply crave social connection, but spend most of my time alone, almost always avoid group activities (even with people I know well) and rarely seek the company of other people.

There are a few people I know who I can be with and either sit in a pleasant complete silence or have a deep conversation, or fundamentally disagree with them about almost anything and yet feel positive about discussing the disagreement. I would like to spend more time in those circumstances, with those people who just seem to understand.

Wow man, it's not often that what someone writes here strikes a cord with me, but I feel exactly the same as you. I think I'm actually scared of making friends, just in case someone really is interested in me, and expects me to be a fun guy who's prepared to hang out and have a good time with them. My skewed defence mechanisms readily kick in, and make me commit an impressive array of social blunders, which helps to drive any potential friends away from me. it's annoying because we aspies want friends but just aren't very good at getting past the acquaintance stage

You could just be yourself and look for somebody who is emotionally distant and hates sentimentality and other stuff like that. There are warm people and cool people. look for a cooler person.

Thanks everyone for your replies and helpful advice. You all know exactly my dilemma.

Adam,

First off, your feelings are totally normal. This is a common issue for many NTs as well.

Shot in the dark, but coming from someone who felt much the same that you did (got turned off whenever a girl became interested in me, but was obsessed when I could be the unsuccessful pursuer), I think this comes down to fear of intimacy and fear of being exposed.

One of the key myths I believed for a long time about myself was that "If anyone truly knew me, they'd stop liking me." While I didn't verbalize this, it was so wired into my subconscious that it guided most of my interpersonal relationships and actions. A relationship that goes beyond that of a friend (whatever gender combination suits you) inherently comes with increased exposure and more expectation upon the individual.

I was afraid of disappointing others, thinking that girls that liked me, wanted to spend all their time with me, would eventually stop liking me. I adopted a position of stand-off-ishness, and it cost me my first real girlfriend.

I would say it's less about "lightening up" then looking in at yourself and seeing if you are happy. If not, if you don't think you have much to offer, than anyone who says otherwise is fighting an uphill battle and will likely continue to evoke such feelings in you.