The Maze

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I have recently learned that I have high function AS the same way many adults do.....thru learning of it per having a child with it.

To that end the initial realization was one of relief, calming. A lifetime of personal experiences that was a puzzle suddenly became a picture of interlocked pieces.

But, its getting worse. I emailed this to my wife:

"If anything good is gonna come of this I am gonna be a much more understanding dad for (our son):

Its like the realization that I have been in a maze for all this time. When I had a singular focus/structure it was fine. I got the cheese time & time again with no problem or care in that I was focused on the cheese. But eventually I got tired of "that cheese" and went after other ones with the same lack of discern for the fact I was walking thru a path of walls. I could have cared less that other aspects of the 3 legged stool that is life had one leg that was significantly longer and out of balance. I was functioning perfectly happy in my maze....I just changed the mazes and type of cheese every 6-12 months or so.

But, for the 1st time, I am outside the maze looking in, or maybe inside looking up, or maybe climbed one of the walls and noticed "Holy $#@! where am I?"

It was nice, calming, a relief to learn the what/how. I have always been about just knowing why even if I really didn't have anything vested in the subject. But now its getting much worse as I am "aware" and I try to step outside my maze.
It scares me, it makes me feel unsure, unconfident, weak, aimless, etc.

I feel like I should apologize to you for being someone I'm not, and I am terrified you will leave me or not look at me the same way that perhaps you once did or fantasized about one day being able to.

If you get the time, I took this & got a 35. I'd be curious what your answering for me scores:

http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html

I think I am gonna contact that AANE and see what is out there.

I am so sorry for all of this :~( "

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So my question is - once you become aware of the maze and can see yourself in it and know, now what?????????

Hi Thumper,

I'm in the same boat as you: a sudden epiphany, a context for my whole life to fit into, some anger, some panic, some profound relief at finally having a complete context. Months later, I'm still cycling through all of these things. I'm still questioning, "What's next?," too.

I think I'm slowly coming to these conclusions:

1) a formal diagnosis isn't necessary for me, I'm lucky to be highly-functioning and self-sufficient and able to care for my children,

2) there is no real "next," in my understanding; it's likely that you have formed compensatory mechanisms for most things in your life by now. If they're maladaptive, that may be something you need to address. The Spurwink School (I think that's the AANE connection in Maine) is a good place to start, but you will have to be proactive in deciding what you think needs addressing, which leads me to:

I think a little apprehension is understandable, regarding your wife, but it's highly likely your wife already knows all this and loves you just as you are, with or without a real label. In my mind, it's commendable that you're concerned so much for her feelings and her interpretation. Together you face a journey with regards to your child, and that's something you can each bring a unique perspective to. I'm single, and I've purposely taken myself off the hamster wheel of dating while I try to sort through my own fallout, but I sympathize with you in your having to consider someone else while you process what seems ungainly and all-encompassing. I hope she can be a source of strength for you; this is part of why people marry.

Best wishes.

Thumper wrote (in part):

So my question is - once you become aware of the maze and can see yourself in it and know, now what?????????

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Thumper - Perhaps part of what you share is called the proverbial midlife crisis for those with subtle neurological challenges?

Many persons with subtle neurological challenges like central auditory processing disorder (CAPD), complex partials, ADHD Inattentive, and those who find a medicine works well for them (but not perfectly) ask the same type of questions it seems to me.

Sometimes when persons find an explanation for what they have, they are baffled, for example, persons who discover they are color blind or persons who have face blindness.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosopagnosia

It can take a while to accept the reality of what people have when they finally realize a description or label (such as Asperger's/whatever) seems to fit.

Life goes on.

Many persons slowly adapt to it all over time.

Time tends to heal aspects of the surprise.

- pgd

Thanks for the replies. My better half is really being great about this & assuaged my fears. And yes, the proverbial midlife crisis seems to be manifesting itself this.

Its like I need to tear everything down so I can rebuild it with this new awareness......and its freaking me out a lil' (actually more than a lil'...)

As far as the maze my wife thinks its definitely a case of being outside it for the first time as opposed to my other thoughts about it. No walls, no directions, no goals, the freedom to go wherever I want. That is the problem at hand I need to address. I'm tired of hopping from from one fixation to the next, getting really good at that one in the process but at the price of ignoring much more sound & important aspects of my life.

I did contact the AANE & I'm waiting to hear back from them.

In the interim I am trying to see the big picture (my life) and create a system that will empower me to become the person I have always wanted to be for me & my family.

And I find this sadly interesting:

In the past week I dreamed of being in a prison like setting 3 times and also had a few dreams involving trying to get to a certain place/location and not having a great deal of success *sigh*

Getting the diagnosis at age 55 answered a lot of questions for me that have bothered me all my life.
It explained so much that I struggled with to get to where I am today.
My wife isn't quite as understanding, mainly I think because she lives with a chronic pain condition and being NT she can't grasp how the differences effect how I'll react to something.

I keep reading and studying all I can about AS for my own benefit so I can become more aware when I'm not "fitting in" and try to convey my difficulty rather than just stew about it.

With 6 kids (4 at home) it adds other challenges so I can sympathize with you. Oh also on the that test you posted I had scored 42 the lat time I took it.

Dr. Tony Attwood has said - the best treatment is self understanding and acceptance. It's not wrong to like being by yourself.

There no functional next besides being willing to learn how to change some behaviors that would have been constructed throughout all the maze-going.

I strongly recommend the book "socially curious and curiously social"

Though it is written to be most applicable to teenagers (who tend to have the most severe issues with social thinking deficit in the harshly social environment of adolescence) I have found it incredibly useful to approaching the behaviors I wish to deconstruct now.

Thanks for the replies.

I should clarify that social issues are a non-factor for me. Going out in public, talking to strangers as if I have known them my whole life, etc. comes very natural for me. That said, I have now noticed how, say at a holiday get together, I have a tendency to just wander or sit and interact when it comes to me.

The maze, for me, is the lifelong pattern of working within the confines of either a team, schedule, or specific interest/focus. I am trying to overcome what I once perceived as a crippling fear of success but now realize is the AS trait to focus intensely for short durations (defined as 6-12 months or more) then dropping the interest after I have become very good at it. I want to learn how to keep focused to get to that next level of accomplishment and turn really good into great and forever.

Stumbled across this the other day. Its now my wallpaper:

http://www.visualparadox.com/images/no- ... ehouse.jpg

While I never thought of the maze being constructed out of block walls damn does it make eerie sense. Everything compartmentalized and easily moved to make a new maze without opening it........

Had a sad realization this AM at a local small town library with the family:

While perusing the non-fiction (off subject, but with my AS awareness I now understand why I loathe fiction) and looking over all the sections, all of my past eclectic interests came roaring back but now I had the perspective of the knowledge of having AS.

It was if I was standing at the entrance to the maze, but for the first time knew what would most likely happen if I entered (narrow obsessive interest) it again.....and that froze me. It sucked royally, to be honest. For the first time the issue of "excuse, not explanation" became a reality.

I am tired of being that person who can do whatever they put their mind, heart & soul to.......and then stop it after achieving a certain level of success ("getting the cheese") because I am no longer interested in it. So now what???

Ferris wheels and bumper cars are fun, but those rides just aren't for everyone. Bought my ticket ima have a run in the maze. Whoooo! If I don't come back or right away, give me time at least a half a day don't just leave me lost and blown away in the maze. Whoooo!

You're clowning around

That's the only ICP song I like.

Thumper wrote (in part): I am tired of being that person who can do whatever they put their mind, heart & soul to.......and then stop it after achieving a certain level of success ("getting the cheese") because I am no longer interested in it. So now what???
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Assorted websites: - http://www.naphill.org/ - http://www.nightingale.com - http://christinekane.com/blog/how-to-ma ... ion-board/ - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Statement_of_purpose - http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/theymadeamerica/ - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sabbatical - In the religious science fiction story by John Bunyan (written as happening within the context of a dream), the main character abandons all and goes on a pilgrimage - http://www.pilgrimsprogressthemovie.com/ - There are very few humans who can sustain a great purpose (interest) over years and years and years: one example, Walt Disney, who never stopped creating. - http://www.tomhopkins.com/ - and so on - You might consider perhaps something like getting the cheese for others or helping others how to get the cheese. - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epcot - Perhaps - make a decision, have a vision (of the future)(Source: E) - It's your life. It's your decision.

Thanks for those links. I'll check then out.

Its funny but for the longest time I have always thought & said "I need a job where all I have to do is come up with ideas". Who knew that that I apparently "knew"? I joked with my wife that I should start a think tank/marketing company & only hire Aspies...

Thumper wrote (in part):

Stumbled across this the other day. Its now my wallpaper:

http://www.visualparadox.com/images/no- ... ehouse.jpg

While I never thought of the maze being constructed out of block walls damn does it make eerie sense. Everything compartmentalized and easily moved to make a new maze without opening it...

---

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M._C._Escher
http://www.grove.com/

Follow the yellow brick road...

Lions and tigers and bears...oh my!...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wizard ... (1939_film)

About mazes and labyrinths

http://www.gracecathedral.org/community/labyrinths/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maze

Last edited by pgd on 07 Aug 2010, 12:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

pgd - Be it physical, mental, educational, spiritual, material, service....I've done all of those & not being cocky done them all pretty well. The thing is not the motivation but the duration.