I want help, but I'd have to tell my parents first...

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... Actually, I technically wouldn't have to tell my parents about my suspicions that anything was different about me. I live on my own and I have a job (though I don't make all that much money). But still, I couldn't just go get help on my own. They would have to be involved, because I rely on them for so much support. I don't do big things like that without their knowledge, and I can't see myself ever doing something like getting a diagnosis or going to a doctor without their knowledge. I never went through a rebellious phase, and I never desired to push my parents away (as most people do). In recent years, I've sometimes felt like I'm held back by our close relationship, but I've come to realize that it's me and my mind that's holding me back. I need their support. My mom calls almost every day, or sometimes every other day. They live about 30 minutes away. I go home about every two weekends, and my mom helps me with laundry and food. So although I live alone, they are much more a part of my life than parents are for most people my age.

The thing is, I really have no clue what my parents' opinions are on mental health. As a family, we are by no means social butterflies. My parents basically have no "friends" to speak of, at least not in their adult life. There are lots of people (outside of family) that they like, yes, but almost none that I would think they attach the word "friend" to. Yet, whenever I say something like, "Come on, admit it, we aren't social," my mom will try to grasp at straws and come up with examples as to how we aren't (although she admits that she likes to pick and choose what she gets involved with). While I don't think my parents have AS, we aren't social like most people are, so I don't think they see my withdrawn nature as a problem (although they have a couple of times said in passing that I should find a girlfriend, with absolutely no suggestions as to how I might go about that, or any acknowledgment that I lack the social confidence/know-how to do so!).

Now, my mom was a big advocate for getting a ADHD diagnosis for my cousin's son. She really encouraged her to go through with it, despite my aunt and uncle wanting to pretend nothing could possibly be wrong with their grandson (they didn't want the stigma of ADHD, or to think that he was flawed or inferior). My mom was a teacher's assistant years ago, so she has experience working with children like that. She told my cousin, "It's his life, not yours or your parents' or mine or anyone else's, you have to do what's best for him." Still, I can't help but wonder if that was so easy for her to say just because it wasn't her own son. Would she deny that anything was different about me? I don't (and didn't) cause trouble like my cousin's son does, so how could my mind be a "problem" in any way? As for my dad, I think he sees my reluctance to take risks as a virtue.

But the truth is, I'm tired of being stuck and having no plan for the future. I don't know what my parents would think. I don't know if they would deny it, shrug it off, or make light of it. I want them to help me get help, but even as close as we are, I still cannot predict their reaction.

I have a similar relationship with my mom and stepdad - I'm very close to them and they know pretty much everything I get up to. My family also tends to keep to itself. It sounds like they love you very much and if you're having difficulty making sense of things, that they would want you to get help. When I told my parents my thoughts on it they seemed to open up - their eyes lit up and they got very interested, pointing out all kinds of things to me about my childhood that supported my ideas.

Maybe you could subtly bring it up with your mom (or dad if you're closer to him) to get a feel for their potential reaction. you could also remind them of her opinions on your cousin's situation if you needed to. And if they seemed concerned that it would make you appear inferior, you could point out all the strengths of the condition, of which there are many. What the rest of the world sees as its weaknesses, my parents actually admire in me.

Okay, as far as feeling stuck, I'd encourage you to dream big. First and foremost, I'd encourage you to think about being a doctor, yeah, an M.D., the real thing, which I think is the very best job there is (and something frankly I wish I would have gotten a little more encouragement to think about when I was younger). Read EVERY PATIENT TELLS A STORY (recent) by Lisa Sanders, or BECOMING A DOCTOR by Melvin Konner (1992, but still excellent) and/or other books, talk to people. And see what you think.

Next best is being an entrepreneur, but that's risky. A way into that might be being an accountant, which is not as cut and dried as people think. It takes a fair amount of judgment and focusing on things that are important, and on some of the other stuff making a conscious decision to let a 'good enough' decision slide (the kind of executive function I sometimes struggle with, but learnable).

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For the right now, sales jobs are somewhat more interesting than just a regular job. A real sales job you can sell a variety of products/services and you can negotiate price (unlike say Best Buy where the only thing the employees 'sell' is the protection plan). I myself have sold furniture.

Now, if it's unpaid training in sales, it's generally a rip-off.

The benefits. Kind of like Al Davis of the Oakland Raiders had "Just Win, Baby," if you're selling, people aren't going to criticize you for being different. It's "Just Sell, Baby." In fact, the co-workers are quite a bit more engaged than the average job and might find you interesting, no guarantees of course. Or might just matter-of-factly accept you for being you, being different is fine, being 'normal' is fine, we're all just people afterall. And it's not as unethical as people might think. In fact, there's a whole approach, the straightforward approach. And it's easier to work with the customer than against the customer, right? Well, I certainly think so. Okay, one downside, just like a baseball player, any truly random process clumps and clusters, and so you will have slumps, and people will attempt to attribute too much meaning to a slump and might criticize something about my personality. The way to handle this is to be prepared with matter-of-fact confidence, Hey, it's just like a baseball player having a slump, just keep swinging a bat well and the numbers will come in your favor. And then you can also use this skill to matter-of-factly stand up for and encourage someone else when he or she is having their slump.

A disclaimer: At age 47, I have been living with my parents for the past two years. Prior to that I lived on my own from 1985 to 2008. Yeah, it's a tough economy for a lot of people, esp. if you're preceived as different in any way (obviously it should not be that way). And I can make no claims for having tremendous social skills. Like everyone else, I am still learning.


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Okay, about meeting people, and particularly a potential girlfriend, I tell myself it's 'undertrying,' it's about being comfortable with who I am right now. I don't need to do anything special. That's clunky, disengaged, showing off. Rather it's about being open to a little ping ponging back and forth in the conversation. If there's one main coin of the realm, and there really isn't but if there were, it would be 'being open to appreciating the other person.' You don't know for sure if you will, you're merely open to appreciating.

Friendship is dynamic, not static. And thus it's kind of okay that the randomness of the immediate circumstances have a large role.

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Groups are good, kayaking, Democratic Party, Republican Party. But, and kind of a reason to light touch and skim across, at least three meetings at first, most groups don't particularly do that much, I think at times because the leader has mixed feelings about having incurred the obligations and is not good at delegation. So, have realistic expectations about groups.


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You seem to have a pretty alright relationship with your parents. I would recommend, tell them in medium steps and be comfortable where they go. Even if it was something really, really definite, it would not be an effective social move to be dogmatic about it. Sometimes people just need a little time, and sometimes people just believe their own things. And with Asperger's, one time on BOSTON LEGAL, the Jerry character described it as 'I have symptoms consistent with Asperger's,' and I really think that's where medical science currently is. It's just not that definite. And that has both positives and negatives.

What works for me is that Asperger's gives me a conceptual framework to better understand myself.

I hope that you eventually get the help, that you need.