Living a lie

Post Reply New Topic

Who I am on the inside is not who I project to the world. I've turned myself into who I want others to think I am, while suppressing the real me. On friday nights all I really want to do is stay in my room, but week after week I force myself to go out. I drink more alcohol than is safe and turn into a fool; the crowd pleaser I always wanted to believe was the true me. But deep down I'm someone whom the world would not care for. The real me is abnormal, weird, different. The real me comes off as self-centered, rude, anti-social. The real me hates more than he loves. I doubt anyone would really savor the real me. Part of me wants to change, to eradicate what i've become. But 20 years is a long time to carry on living a lie. Who's to say that it would be wise to break free from its chains at this point? My parents will feel they have failed me. I'll end up isolated, alone. But that's all I really want. I want to be free from all of my social obligations. All of the pressure I endure on a daily basis wears heavily on me. I feel lost. Confused. Scared.

I've never been diagnosed with a mental disorder. No one who "knows" me would ever believe I typed these words. Yet I push back my true feelings. I keep myself encased in a shell and not a soul has ever seen my true colors. Its as if I were born into the wrong society. The wrong world. I must be the one puzzle piece that just doesn't fit. I'm different, and that scares me. I want so much to be like everyone else. To live carefree and feel that I truly belong.

This day had to come eventually. I've grown weary from the constant struggle of promoting myself. I feel like an overstuffed suitcase and my zipper is on the brink of giving out. But at this point, have the contents of the suitcase gone rotten? Is the true me damaged beyond repair, a battle-torn soul so irreparably changed? I'm not sure if I really want to find out.

All the advice I can give you is to be yourself, even if yourself is not what anyone wants you to be. That and maybe now is a good time to listen to "Come As You Are" by Nirvana.

Kurt also said, "I'm not like them but I can pretend".

(I'm playing around)

Last edited by Jediscraps on 11 Nov 2010, 10:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Everlong,

I've gone through the same thing and still am to some extent. I'm also probably a few years older than you. Yeah, Aspergers sucks but all those fields of obsession can be used for good as well. Maybe you can make some money with it?

But yeah, I felt the same. Like I wasn't being myself when I was trying to be normal. I'm generally happier alone than socializing. If I could do High School over I wouldn't even want to have any friends.

come out of there!

you deserve to feel comfortable being yourself, whatever the heck that is.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vh0PgtgqofU[/youtube]

i dunno, maybe we can help?

If you're not happy with your true self, you CAN change. Don't do it to please others though. If you're happy with who you are now, I say screw what people think just be yourself. Be one of the few respectable people who don't put on an act.

Everlong what you described sounds EXACTLY what I am going through/ been going through for the past few years. It feels like hell

I couldn't have said it better.

Have you ever smoked pot? just out of curiousity.

I think he is trying to say that he is really unsure of anything anymore, who he is who he was.

To be able to just change yourself doesn't compute if you are having trouble knowing who you are in a basic sense.

My identity feels distorted, compressed, and filtered, and goes through different phases.

Last edited by lightening020 on 12 Nov 2010, 12:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

I wrote this post immediately after smoking.

There has got to be some correlation then between this and smoking. I have smoked for several years I feel the same way.

Do you feel the same when you aren't high, or do you feel this way only after you smoke?

Do you feel like after you get high, all the "social skills" go out the window and your left with just your true monotone self or something like that? Like all of the practice of talking to people doesn't matter anymore like its an act?

I've been feeling the same way lately. I don't know who I am so I am changing whatever it is I am into what I want to be.

It seems we're having similar experiences. I used to be able to smoke and have my personality remain consistent. Not anymore. Now I use smoking as a way of introspection. I feel that it brings out the true me, the me who isn't concerned with conforming to societies norms. I try to the best of my ability to apply my conclusions to my every day life, however, it is often difficult.

Yeah same here. I started smoking about 5 years ago and have smoked on and off for 4 years. Nothing really heavy and pretty infrequently. It does feel like I am that much more introspective when I was high, like I could explain experiences and occurrences that I couldnt otherwise.


To be quite honest its just f*****g scary the last few times I got stoned. Just thinking about it makes me scared. I felt really manic-depressed, I was thinking of all these painful memories like they were returning and I was there again. My heart kept pounding......this was worse than a panic attack. And I kept tossing and turning the whole night wide awake. It definitly felt like there was a demon inside my head, and that demon was the "real" me inside reminding me of this and that failure like my whole life has just been a huge failure left and right.

What's perhaps even scarier, is whether those memories were "real", or if I was distorting them. They happened, but was it really like I imagined or this POT f*****g with me? Am I just this "fake" person sober? Is this really me coming out now?

My whole life now seems like an inconsequential blur

Everlong......perhaps it might be useful to see your life up until now as being not so much a lie, but one of survival. Try not to see anything false, phoney, or insincere in the way in which you lived.

You adapted well.......now you can learn new skills in order to live well.

Most of us aspies have a fluid sense of self and identity.

We have hidden behind many masks but of souls (used here in the broadest sense) have always been there.

deleted

Last edited by Maje on 15 Nov 2010, 9:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

http://www.autistics.org/library/more-a ... l#lostself