Looking for NT wives Married to AS Men

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I am a NT female journalist married to a AS male for 13 years. I'm writing a story for a national publication about NT wives in my situation - how to recognize that their husbands might have AS, an explanatin of AS, and what they can do for help & healing.

Please post replies and let's figure out a way that I can interview you. I would really like this issue to be brought to the forefront of our consciousness in this country. Thank you.

Are you saying that we are not good lovers?

Sheesh, get your minds out of the gutter.

I'm more concerned about the idea that AS males would need "help and healing" myself.

The only thing most people with AS need is a bit of understanding.

some of us could use some help and healing

Perhaps so but theres very little worse than an NT pestering you constantly wanting to "help" without realizing that all the activity and meddling is only stressing you out.

Or worse yet.. when they keep coming up with weird ways to try to "fix" you.

Because we're the one's that are broken.
I don't get this, sure okay.. so you love them and its hurting you. Well,
Here's an idea.
Get a divorce.

Be serious, if its not working out its not working out.
Don't suffocate them, don't try to FIX them, don't throw your emotional blah blah crap on them, it'll make them MORE anxious, MORE reclusive, MORE panicky. It'll make everything WORSE. Codependency is also a problem, you can't heal the world as this desperately needs everyone to be iNtuitive Feelers and AS or not, not everyone is an iNtuitive feeler. End discussion.

You want to love them? Let them go or back off, or hey! Both go in for "help."

Abbr, my wife says she'll be back later to talk your virtual ear off - right now, she's off to the mall with a friend.

And it's always the NT wives. Every notice? The NT husbands I guess don't count. LOL

Here's a clue. My NT husband tells me NOT to get a diagnosis or see a shrink. Why? Because in a few months we'll be divorced. That will be the help and healing they will give us. Hmmmm You might take a page out of his book and find your way through it with logic and intellect which is what he did before Lorna Wing ever translated Asperger. He managed to figure out that this was the way it was and it wouldn't change. He didn't expect me to change and liked me as I was. He got his socializing elsewhere. He shares many of my interests. Well maybe that's the point. He's logical, intellectual and shares many of my interests. In other words we had many things in common. That's not just good advice for NT/AS, that's good advice for all couples. And that is why we do many things together and spend time together.

I know you are upset and emotional, but I can tell you right now that it will only send him into emotional overload and make things worse. It can't help you with an Aspie. My husband stayed calm and rational and worked his way through it with me. That was probably the best thing he ever did. Of course if he had been emotional around me it would have never lasted to date two. That's not to say he's not affectionate or that I'm not. He's not dramatic. There's a big difference to us. So if you want him to hear you, calm down and don't lose it. Say everything you mean and don't use body language, eye contact, facial expressions or hidden meanings (things you say a certain way so you don't hurt his feelings) to get your point across. Just say it. Many of us do not get any of that, some of us can get a little and some can get more. That will never get better. You have to learn a different way to communicate if you want to really communicate with him successfully.

I suggest that book Asperger's Syndrome and Long Term Relationships. She breaks it down by trait and talks about ways to work around it. It's logical, easy to understand and to the point. She is an NT married to an Aspie and a Technical Writer. It will be easy for you both to follow. A regular marriage counselor is going to be a waste of your money because everything that person knows is out the window if he's AS. Start there and see if it helps.

Good luck.

It's women like this that make me not want to get in relationships. If you're husband is so horrible that you need "help and healing", please tell me why did you get together with him in the first place? How did you manage to stay with him for 13 years and why? I also can't help but wonder if you got for the wrong reasons. A lot of NT women do that.

Word of advice especially to the AS men out there, when you meet someone make sure you get to know each other VERY well, before saying "I do". Don't get married just for the sake of getting married like our friend Abbr did.

It seems the whole world wants to heal the autistic and different,
these differences is what helps evolution along and keeps it growing and evolving,
if people (NT's) keep trying to fix those that are different the human
race will become stagnant on the evolutionary chain of life, you do
know what happens to those that stagnate in evolution don't you?
they go extinct.

either welcome us and and join hands with us or leave us alone and
get the hell out of the way, sure there are some who should be helped,
but only if they ask for it, many of us on the higher end of the spectrum
are happy being who and what we are, its the normals that seem to need
fixing to us, they never seem to be happy unless they control everything
or make everyone just like them, I never said I wanted to be normal,
in fact most normals annoy she s**t out of me, we have many advantages
that comes along with our conditions in the right settings,
why not take advantage of that instead of trying to "help" us remove it?
I vary much enjoy being able to hyper focus on things and learn them to
such an extent that no normal seems to be capable of doing, or enjoying the
touch of an object thats so soothing to me that most normals take for granted,
or being able to hear or smell things far away almost as keen as a cat,
for many of us there are MANY such advantages.
stop trying to make us feel we are defective when we are not.
it is the NT's that are becoming obsolete in evolution.

Now I do and can understand that many of us need help and healing
where it comes to social things, many of us are hurt and burned out
from having to deal with others not accepting us or rejecting us just
because we are different, but to "change or fix" us is not the way to go,

We are mutations in evolution, thats how evolution is done, through mutations.
.

Last edited by aspergian_mutant on 02 May 2007, 9:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Y'all seem to be leaping to a lot of conclusions based on two words in a post - wouldn't it be better to find out what Abbr means by saying them, rather than wrapping your own associations around them and making judgments?

I mean, isn't that exactly what NTs get accused of all the time?

Yes your right DeaconBlues, just many of us hear the words
"help and healing" from those who would love to try and "Fix" us.
we are bombarded with such things, my apology's.

(opens his ears and eyes and mind to hearing Abbr words of meanings)

Many NT/NT couples go to marital counseling for help and healing. I think she may mean healing of their marriage, but that's for her to say and not me. Counseling is not just an exclusive area of AS/NT relationships. It should however be a big consideration in a therapist if they are AS/NT because many of those so-called therapists, especially ones not versed in AS, cause more harm than good.

I wouldn't just assume it's only him she wants helped and healed. That might be going down the wrong path. We get misunderstood enough. Let's not do the same to others.

If we believe the statistic 4 males to 1 women on the spectrum then we would expect
a fairly large number of NT female ASD male marriages compared to ASD female and NT male marriages. But I expect the reality is a large percent of the ASD males will never marry and the numbers of total marriage in each type are closer to being equal
than not. And many claim the gender distribution itself is closer to being equal which would in my estimation put a very large ratio of female ASD to male NT relationships compared to the male ASD and female NT combination.

Basically your not going to find alot help because there may not be very many people out there fitting your profile request. Which might mean your article might not have a very big target audience either. Perhaps a better idea (if you think it has any truth) is
an artical explaining the pros (well and cons ) of a single NT women seeking out an
aspie male.

Here is a list of NT female on WP. But none are active members I have heard of. I would guess most are moms of aspies who stopped here a few times. Hmm If I figure
out a way I will try to find on the list some names that claim to have aspie husbands but
if their e-mail is not public I doubt you will beable to contact them.


A_sympathetic_friend,01-Dec,2006,Female,Neurotypical
aesthetic,01-Dec,2006,Female,Neurotypical
aleioop,01-Apr,2006,Female,Neurotypical
alison,01-Nov,2005,Female,Neurotypical
almondine,01-May,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Amanda,01-Sep,2004,Female,Neurotypical
amber,01-Dec,2004,Female,Neurotypical
amyharmon,01-Aug,2004,Female,Neurotypical
amyy,01-Jan,2006,Female,Neurotypical
andrbot,01-Nov,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Andrea,01-Dec,2006,Female,Neurotypical
AngeB,01-Nov,2005,Female,Neurotypical
angryparent,01-Oct,2005,Female,Neurotypical
Ann,01-Jul,2004,Female,Neurotypical
ApodemusSylvaticus,01-Jul,2006,Female,Neurotypical
applebranch,01-Feb,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Are_you_racist,01-Feb,2006,Female,Neurotypical
AS_Teacher,01-Nov,2006,Female,Neurotypical
ASDTeacher,01-Dec,2006,Female,Neurotypical
ashleemitchell,01-Sep,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Autisticteacher,01-Oct,2005,Female,Neurotypical
averagejane,01-Nov,2005,Female,Neurotypical
AVT,01-Jul,2004,Female,Neurotypical
bab,01-Jul,2005,Female,Neurotypical
baby,01-Feb,2005,Female,Neurotypical
bambi,01-Jul,2005,Female,Neurotypical
bambinaia,01-Mar,2007,Female,Neurotypical
BBQPork,01-Jan,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Beau,01-Dec,2005,Female,Neurotypical
bella,01-Apr,2006,Female,Neurotypical
bella-doro,01-May,2006,Female,Neurotypical
beneventi,01-Apr,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Bequia,01-Oct,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Boibeck,01-Jun,2005,Female,Neurotypical
booie,01-Jul,2006,Female,Neurotypical
buckets,01-May,2006,Female,Neurotypical
BWKermadecs,01-May,2005,Female,Neurotypical
bycrikey,01-Nov,2006,Female,Neurotypical
caitlyn,01-Mar,2007,Female,Neurotypical
caramel,01-Dec,2006,Female,Neurotypical
carls,01-Mar,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Caroler,01-Jul,2006,Female,Neurotypical
catras,01-Dec,2005,Female,Neurotypical
cc,01-Jun,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Cee,01-Jan,2007,Female,Neurotypical
CeeBee,01-Jul,2004,Female,Neurotypical
celticheartbeat,01-Jan,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Chacha,01-Feb,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Cher,01-Mar,2007,Female,Neurotypical
CJC,01-Apr,2006,Female,Neurotypical
clarkster,01-Jul,2004,Female,Neurotypical
Cler,01-Jan,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Collsy,01-Dec,2004,Female,Neurotypical
ConcernedMom,01-Nov,2006,Female,Neurotypical
confused,01-Nov,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Cookie01,01-Nov,2005,Female,Neurotypical
CrimsonTearz,01-Nov,2005,Female,Neurotypical
Crowechick,01-Jan,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Crowesgirl,01-Dec,2006,Female,Neurotypical
CSC,01-Jul,2004,Female,Neurotypical
csignet,01-Nov,2005,Female,Neurotypical
CuriousInNY,01-Aug,2004,Female,Neurotypical
Cybermintz,01-Jun,2006,Female,Neurotypical
dalejr8car,01-Mar,2006,Female,Neurotypical
dina,01-Jan,2007,Female,Neurotypical
dk,01-Feb,2006,Female,Neurotypical
dlh61,01-Mar,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Doll,01-Nov,2006,Female,Neurotypical
donnele,01-Oct,2004,Female,Neurotypical
ebbcolo,01-Mar,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Edie,01-Sep,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Elaine,01-Dec,2005,Female,Neurotypical
elephant,01-Nov,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Ella,01-Jan,2006,Female,Neurotypical
elysiaur,01-Mar,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Equality,01-Aug,2006,Female,Neurotypical
equent,01-Jan,2006,Female,Neurotypical
ericasuperman,01-Mar,2007,Female,Neurotypical
fahreeq,01-Aug,2005,Female,Neurotypical
falta_malvagia,01-Mar,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Floss,01-May,2006,Female,Neurotypical
forgottendeadpeoplethings,01-Jul,2006,Female,Neurotypical
fred,01-May,2005,Female,Neurotypical
FuriousKitten,01-Jun,2005,Female,Neurotypical
Gardnernewf,01-Dec,2006,Female,Neurotypical
GhostsInTheWallpaper,01-Nov,2005,Female,Neurotypical
gina,01-Apr,2007,Female,Neurotypical
GirlyGirl,01-Jan,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Glo,01-Jul,2004,Female,Neurotypical
Glycerin19,01-Feb,2006,Female,Neurotypical
goods,01-May,2006,Female,Neurotypical
gufyduck,01-Apr,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Happy13,01-Mar,2007,Female,Neurotypical
happycat,01-Jul,2006,Female,Neurotypical
happygal,01-Nov,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Harry,01-Feb,2007,Female,Neurotypical
hell_grey,01-Jun,2005,Female,Neurotypical
hellerel,01-Dec,2006,Female,Neurotypical
henna,01-Apr,2007,Female,Neurotypical
henny,01-Nov,2006,Female,Neurotypical
hualapaimom,01-Feb,2007,Female,Neurotypical
icare,01-Jul,2004,Female,Neurotypical
idylwoodogs,01-Jun,2006,Female,Neurotypical
imjustlurking,01-Apr,2007,Female,Neurotypical
InSearch,01-May,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Izzie07,01-Feb,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Jadepearl,01-Feb,2007,Female,Neurotypical
janbiv2,01-Dec,2005,Female,Neurotypical
javapride,01-Aug,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Jayseekah,01-Jan,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Jazz,01-Nov,2006,Female,Neurotypical
JBM,01-Jan,2007,Female,Neurotypical
jefferson,01-Mar,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Jennifer,01-Nov,2005,Female,Neurotypical
jensenknits,01-Apr,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Jlynn,01-Jan,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Joan,01-Jun,2004,Female,Neurotypical
JoanRE,01-May,2006,Female,Neurotypical
jojo,01-Dec,2006,Female,Neurotypical
jslp,01-Sep,2005,Female,Neurotypical
jsy,01-Apr,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Juana,01-Sep,2006,Female,Neurotypical
judesown,01-Jul,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Judy,01-May,2005,Female,Neurotypical
JuliaB,01-Oct,2006,Female,Neurotypical
justafriend,01-May,2006,Female,Neurotypical
justanNT,01-Oct,2006,Female,Neurotypical
kapowaus,01-Feb,2007,Female,Neurotypical
katcad71,01-Mar,2007,Female,Neurotypical
kathanga,01-Dec,2006,Female,Neurotypical
katiem,01-Sep,2004,Female,Neurotypical
KayGee767,01-Aug,2006,Female,Neurotypical
KC,01-Jun,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Kerri,01-Jul,2004,Female,Neurotypical
kim,01-Aug,2005,Female,Neurotypical
kimi,01-Nov,2005,Female,Neurotypical
kk,01-Oct,2005,Female,Neurotypical
Krikkit,01-Jul,2005,Female,Neurotypical
KsMom,01-Jan,2007,Female,Neurotypical
ktnt127,01-Apr,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Landria,01-Nov,2005,Female,Neurotypical
LauraB,01-Nov,2005,Female,Neurotypical
lauragoodwin,01-Nov,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Layla82,01-Feb,2007,Female,Neurotypical
laz0r,01-Jan,2007,Female,Neurotypical
lelene,01-Oct,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Leslie,01-May,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Lexie,01-Nov,2005,Female,Neurotypical
ljs2mil,01-May,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Lorelie,01-Jul,2004,Female,Neurotypical
lorilie,01-Jan,2006,Female,Neurotypical
lou,01-Aug,2004,Female,Neurotypical
lsp,01-Jul,2004,Female,Neurotypical
lupielulu,01-Dec,2005,Female,Neurotypical
luvmyboys,01-Mar,2007,Female,Neurotypical
maggiemae,01-May,2005,Female,Neurotypical
mali,01-Feb,2006,Female,Neurotypical
mallesmor,01-Feb,2005,Female,Neurotypical
ManSlayer,01-Jul,2006,Female,Neurotypical
mariah,01-Jan,2006,Female,Neurotypical
masho,01-Feb,2007,Female,Neurotypical
maskeddelusion,01-May,2006,Female,Neurotypical
maxine99,01-Feb,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Maynard,01-Jul,2006,Female,Neurotypical
mc13,01-Mar,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Melesana,01-Feb,2007,Female,Neurotypical
mellow,01-Aug,2005,Female,Neurotypical
mina,01-Oct,2005,Female,Neurotypical
mitchellclr,01-Mar,2006,Female,Neurotypical
monkey_lover,01-Dec,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Moonlightelf,01-Jan,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Nadya,01-Dec,2005,Female,Neurotypical
NationalAnthemjizz,01-Jan,2006,Female,Neurotypical
NavyYf,01-Jun,2004,Female,Neurotypical
naynayb,01-Aug,2006,Female,Neurotypical
new2this,01-Feb,2006,Female,Neurotypical
NextPhase,01-Jun,2006,Female,Neurotypical
nikinova,01-Dec,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Noahs_mom,01-Aug,2005,Female,Neurotypical
NOTAFARMGAL,01-Mar,2007,Female,Neurotypical
okar,01-Dec,2006,Female,Neurotypical
OnlyMe,01-Feb,2007,Female,Neurotypical
OwlBytes,01-Aug,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Paula,01-Feb,2005,Female,Neurotypical
pickle,01-Nov,2005,Female,Neurotypical
PinkDice,01-Apr,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Pippa_Hembry,01-Sep,2006,Female,Neurotypical
PlanB,01-Apr,2007,Female,Neurotypical
planetguide33,01-Jul,2005,Female,Neurotypical
poodlie,01-Jan,2006,Female,Neurotypical
PrinCessChrisTinA,01-Jul,2005,Female,Neurotypical
QueSarate,01-Jan,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Rainbowmom,01-Oct,2006,Female,Neurotypical
randar,01-Nov,2006,Female,Neurotypical
redswingline,01-Jul,2004,Female,Neurotypical
reeses,01-Nov,2005,Female,Neurotypical
reginao,01-Jul,2004,Female,Neurotypical
riff-raff,01-Apr,2006,Female,Neurotypical
rinky,01-Apr,2005,Female,Neurotypical
Riverdale,01-Oct,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Roslyn,01-May,2005,Female,Neurotypical
rya,01-Mar,2007,Female,Neurotypical
s,01-Apr,2007,Female,Neurotypical
sagemom,01-Oct,2004,Female,Neurotypical
salty,01-Jan,2007,Female,Neurotypical
saoirse_starr,01-Sep,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Scrapper342,01-Dec,2005,Female,Neurotypical
sdp,01-Oct,2006,Female,Neurotypical
seasea,01-Aug,2004,Female,Neurotypical
seatbelt,01-Feb,2007,Female,Neurotypical
seeshel,01-Jul,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Shale,01-Jan,2007,Female,Neurotypical
shara,01-Jan,2007,Female,Neurotypical
SharonPtomigian,01-May,2006,Female,Neurotypical
shazabella,01-Dec,2006,Female,Neurotypical
SheDevil,01-Apr,2006,Female,Neurotypical
shell,01-Jul,2004,Female,Neurotypical
sirenesee,01-Jan,2006,Female,Neurotypical
sis,01-Dec,2005,Female,Neurotypical
Sixela,01-Sep,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Skotch,01-Aug,2006,Female,Neurotypical
slidersmom,01-Apr,2007,Female,Neurotypical
SLP,01-Jun,2006,Female,Neurotypical
smilie,01-Sep,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Soapnetfan,01-Mar,2007,Female,Neurotypical
spankyandthegang,01-Jan,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Splooshy,01-Mar,2007,Female,Neurotypical
SS,01-Aug,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Stephie77,01-Jan,2007,Female,Neurotypical
sugarbabe,01-Jan,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Suikoden26,01-Sep,2006,Female,Neurotypical
sunny,01-May,2006,Female,Neurotypical
SunShyne,01-Jan,2007,Female,Neurotypical
swivel,01-Jul,2004,Female,Neurotypical
tammy890,01-Dec,2004,Female,Neurotypical
teach,01-Jan,2006,Female,Neurotypical
temperance24,01-Jan,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Tengine,01-Feb,2006,Female,Neurotypical
ThatGirl,01-Oct,2006,Female,Neurotypical
the_enigma,01-Jun,2004,Female,Neurotypical
Tigger06,01-Jan,2006,Female,Neurotypical
tipixie,01-Jan,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Tonee,01-Feb,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Tonia,01-Dec,2005,Female,Neurotypical
tracylynn,01-Aug,2005,Female,Neurotypical
trgd89,01-Aug,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Trivia_Lady,01-Apr,2007,Female,Neurotypical
TSNowWhat,01-Jan,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Tunasammich,01-Apr,2007,Female,Neurotypical
tweedee5,01-Mar,2005,Female,Neurotypical
Tyra,01-Jan,2007,Female,Neurotypical
Vanessa,01-Dec,2006,Female,Neurotypical
vera,01-Mar,2006,Female,Neurotypical
violino,01-Dec,2006,Female,Neurotypical
vitavitavita,01-Sep,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Waxwing,01-Mar,2007,Female,Neurotypical
We_spent_the_summer_makin,01-Feb,2006,Female,Neurotypical
whateverusay,01-Jan,2006,Female,Neurotypical
WonkyDiva,01-May,2005,Female,Neurotypical
Xath,01-Nov,2006,Female,Neurotypical
Xiolablue,01-Jul,2004,Female,Neurotypical
Yulya,01-Feb,2007,Female,Neurotypical
zagnut,01-Jan,2005,Female,Neurotypical
zmom,01-Aug,2004,Female,Neurotypical

The 4 to 1 ratio is from Ehlers and Gillberg, 1993. Hardly up-to-date or reliable. The fact that they keep throwing it out there in supposed expert books about Asperger's makes them questionable as well. You have to ask yourself, why haven't they made a point of updating that.

Just a thought.

Hmm while trying to figure out how I was going to write a search spider I looked up a few key words and saw your other post Abbr. So now I'm not too sure if any positive benefit will come from this project since your experience with an aspie man has been so rough.

My search would have been to find every NT female with at least one post who used the
phrase "My Husband" in her first post. Then see how many had public emails. Then read
a few posts of the few final results to see if they fit your criteria.