very high functioning level hides serious difficulties

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I'm wondering if others here can identify with my experiences.

On the one hand, I am very high functioning: I have been living independently for most of my adult life, I have a job, and I do not receive any support.

On the other hand, I have very serious autistic difficulties. Until my early 30s, I wasn't aware that other people had their own individuality and emotions. I did not take an interest in other people at all. I did not realize that people saw themsleves as surrounded by a social network, i.e. that their relationships with their friends, family members, colleagues, etc., was the most important aspect of their lives. I went for years without having any friends. I have never had a girlfriend. It did not occur to me to wonder what my life was going to be like as I grew older, I was just taking things as they came. I went through university without understanding that the purpose was to give me skills that I could use to develop a career. I had such a phobia of explosion noises, such as bangers, that if one exploded I would jump uncontrollably. More recently, I have had panic attacks where I have stopped breathing.

The point I am making is that there is a big discrepancy between the outward appearance of my life and my inner experience.

So... Has anyone else here had a similar experience of life?

I realized in my twenties that the career path I was on was not going to contribute anything to my long term security or provide for my future, yet because of my Autistic obsessive focus, I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I needed to do to change or remedy that. I knew how to do one thing well, that I could earn a salary for, and that was my only option. I wrestled with that for years terrified that I was going to eventually run out of track, but with no way off the train. To an external observer, I was working and paying my bills on time, so I appeared functional, but only in the sense that I was able to tread water - I never actually got anywhere, so 'functional' was never 'successful' in any real and useful sense.

I have terrible panic attacks, especially when I have to talk to someone. I either stutter and start talking to much, or I go into a huge emotional meltdown. I don't like to start a conversation. I have self-esteem problems that I have to be medicated for, and people generally dislike me...I also have these meltdowns where I become violent, angry, and inconsolable. I'm a smart person, and I can get along in society and all, but I just want my outbursts to stop. I want people to say I can control my emotions....

I can very much relate to this - I have a lot of problems generalising so I can never seem to figure out that what I learn in one place, I can apply to another.. with college it seemed like that's what you're supposed to do, so I did, then I figured I'd get a job afterwards because that's what's supposed to happen (which I realise must sound very stupid and naive ). The strange thing is that I thought I was very functional - because I was a very serious student - and that's what people are always praising - it never occurred to me that the social stuff was important too..not that it would have made me want to be part of it.

Yes. Long story ( I'm 46 ) but definitely yes! :lol

It took me a very long time to realise just how little I understood about most things, ... but when I did begin to realise it explained a LOT!
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I periodically go through phases where I have panic attacks; I have never actually stopped breathing, but I often feel like it´s difficult to get my breath, so I then feel panicked that I´m going to suffocate. This is very unpleasant, I can sympathize.

Lately, I notice I have trouble initiating certain life changes. I don´t know if I can explain this well; but I have ideas for things that I want to do, but I just can´t seem to get started doing them because I don´t know *how*. It´s like I´m clueless about going from point A to point B. I don´t know how other people think or feel, so I don´t know if "normal" people have the experience that they´re bashing about blindly, not having any clue about what they are doing. But when I observe other people, it looks like it´s relatively easy for them to flow right into new situations. And when I ask people how to do something, they say "just do it!", as if it´s easy. For instance, I´ve been thinking about changing my career for awhile, but I´m inhibited by the fact that I just don´t know how to realize my goals. And I´m terrified to even think about it. So, I just procrastinate. Generally, I feel a lot of anxiety.

Yes, can identify with a part (not all) of what you write about - about 55% of it (not everything). Recall seeing Temple Grandin on TV years ago where she said she would likely never marry due to how she views emotions.

Have tried to look at a part of it from a neurological standpoint and I lean toward the idea that many persons have a normal emotional circuit in the brain/mind/head which results in most persons marrying, raising children, and so on.

In some areas like Asperger - autism and so on, part of that social circuit (reward circuit) may not be working completely so the kind of emotional pleasure/bonding/whatever a lot of humans experience is simply not experienced or experienced on a much lower level - a level so low that the advantages of marrying/raising a family does not outweigh the advantage of simply not taking that step at all.

Yes, I'm very high-functioning and I feel like who I am is very different from the way I seem. I was diagnosed with Asperger's less than a year ago after reading about it on Wikipedia. Nobody except my psychologist and me, not even my parents, ever believed I had any mental or neurological problems. Some of the people who know I have Asperger's have doubted my diagnosis because I'm a full-time college student who lives away from home, has a few friends, and works. This attitude is irritating because it's so obvious to me that I have/had some serious struggles and differences.

I have sensory problems that make it very difficult to go to parties, sporting events, and some restaurants. I can't carry on a conversation very well when there's noise. I've never dated or had a boyfriend. For most of my life I've had no friends at all. I started trying to act normal a long time ago, but this never actually helped me gain friends. I lost sight of who I really am, and I'm still trying to recover that. I don't know how to be myself. I've been so out of touch with who I am that I don't always know what being myself would entail. I've suffered from increasingly severe anxiety problems since I was 11. For a while I had daily panic attacks and couldn't leave myself without having an attack. I also experienced depression off and on throughout high school.

Now that I'm diagnosed and in therapy, I've been making a lot of progress, but there are things that I still struggle with and will always struggle with. But from the outside I seem like a fairly typical, if shy and awkward, person. And that's why it took so long to get my diagnosis. I wish how I seem on the outside would match who I really am.

I'd have to say I can definitely identify with the subject line. In my case though, the outward appearances are conflicting. On the one hand, I've had people all of my life tell me I'm intelligent, and have all the abilities it takes to be very successful. On the other hand, my life has not reflected that. I've been told it's all because I've made intentionally bad choices. That how my life has turned out is entirely my own fault. For most of my life, I thought it was true. Now, I know it isn't. I understand now there were reasons behind the poor choices I made I was totally unaware of.

Now I know, but most others do not. The only exceptions are my own family, and a few professionals helping me and my family now. The rest of the world though, still sees what they always saw. A conundrum of a person who for all intents and purposes seems to have all it takes to succeed, yet hasn't got a lot to show for it. I've been out of the social loop now for five years. Left the working world and went back to school. I know when the time comes to try to reenter the work force, people aren't going to see what I know is there. There going to see someone who knows how to ace a job interview, but has a lousy work record. I can't help but imagine what they will think about that.

Most of them will never know there is more going on behind the facade. Most will never know what they see on the outside is not what's on the inside. Becoming a good enough actor to fool everybody is a terrible double edged sword.

Ditto!! ! That is so exactly my experience.

I can also relate to this. I am university educated, have a job (now), married, own my own house, debt free.

I should be a success story. But I am, to quote the movie"convoy", the "rubber duck" - it looks all smooth and serene on the surface but underneath I'm paddling like mad. They can't understand how I have to control the impulse to gaff tape the neighbours shreiking yelping dog because it is painful and I'm on the verge of a meltdown. They can't understand why I literrally break out in a cold sweat at the thought of a job interview (a fact that has kept me in bad jobs far too long - and resulted in breakdowns.) They can't (or won't) understand my need for written instructions and my aversion to open plan workplaces because everyone is shouting, gossiping and making a cacophony of noise; and that dropping in at my desk and standing 6 inches from me making demands sends me into a panic attack. They can't understand how I could sit in my own quiet office space, without wanting to seek anyone out - and come knocking on my door 6 times a day to snoop, make condescending comments , gossip, whatever.

They can't understand, because I work(ed) so hard to try to overcome or work around problems - they think if I say I can't do something, or deal with some situation, I must be making it up. ala "You're an intelligent educated person. No-one else has a problem" I often become a target for bullies, as I am just seen as different, and because I try(ed) so hard, that I won't complain, and if I do - how dare I.

Rings very true with me. I have post grad uni quals and have always achieved very high marks. I work full time in a high level position but have zero social life or real friends. I have never understood other people and i just live day to day dealing with what i can when i can. I have a house and I am married. Outward appearances are normal if quirky but internally it is a vastly different story. I have days of very low function but i have learnt to hide this well. I also suffer crippling depression and have attempted suicide when much younger but again i keep it very well hidden. I guess the one thing i have really learnt in life is how to blend in and hide as best i can so i dont attract unwanted attention. I have just changed into a new position at work and it is a big challenge at the moment. I work with a science field so i get away with a lot more quirkiness than other areas. I have noticed a few raised eyebrows in the last few days though.

Your post made a lot of sense to me.

I am quite a visual person, and care about my clothing (when I'm not too dysfunctional, in which case I don't really care at all) ~ actually I love fabrics and textures which relate
to clothing. I don't think I could say I actually care a lot about fashion, but clothing yes and visual integrity yes.
This is one of the things that makes me appear very functional. Sometimes, it is one of the things that MAKES me very functional !

Sometimes when I function I can be direct; more direct than others, which makes me more functional, at those times, than them.

However, like previous posters, my inner world may be a completely different matter. I also find that people in no way readily believe I could possibly have Aspergers.

Unfortunately this means that I must make my own determinations, with the help of those who do understand. So, sites like this are very helpful.

Thanks.

Not to the extent of the OP, but yes. People seem to think that just because I'm high-functioning and I look normal on the outside, it means I don't have problems, and that just isn't true. There's still a lot of stuff NTs can do naturally which I have to think about and process then probably get wrong, as is the case with pretty much any social situation I'm put in. I'm also aware how very different my life is to NTs of my age, and though I don't really see that as a bad thing, I'm still aware of the major differences in our lives and thought processes.

As for most NTs seeing other people the most important thing in their lives... That isn't necessarily true. I think most people, though they won't admit it in their mundane chit-chat, actually put themselves ahead of everyone else. Which is only logical, of course, and it's needed for good survival instincts.

Completely.

I first became aware of my own "acting career", mostly improvisational, at about age 12, and now this past half-century of knowing no other way to try to live has finally taken its toll.

+1

It wasn't until someone described me as "socially awkward" I even started to ask about why, and I learned about AS at 40.