Who Here (Or What Percent) of ASers Socially Integrate?

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Just curious...being 26 and still being as lonely, and isolated as I was at 16..

1) Who here has been able to have a successful, integrated, fulfilling socially life?
2) What percent of ASers would you speculate?
3) How have you been able to do so (if possible...step by step).


Me?
I see it as helpless.
I have mild AS (3 on a scale of 10 under most circumstances).
Yet I still spend my spare time inside online because I do not have anybody to go to a baseball game with, the beach, out to the city with, out to with, or watch TV and hang out or chill.

When I was 16 they told me in HS this was just a phase...blah blah.
NTs think I am nice and will be my aquaintasce but not a true friend.
I define a true friend as somebody who will hang out with you, both of you will have a good time, they will respect and want your company evenly.

In my view...I'm 26...so if 26 years have been social failure then statistics, trends, patterns would say you would be deluisional to think a reversal of fortune from being a loner who gets bossed around by peers to an integrated, mutually respected socialite is happening.
An "accident" might be a better option.

I've been able to socially integrate ok, but it was only after moving to Wyoming and going to college.

Oh, and just FYI you double-posted. I'm sure it was a glitch with the posting system and wasn't on purpose, but try to be careful as it is against the rules. The site can be slow sometimes so just be patient. The mods already took care of your duplicate posts, so just try to avoid clicking the button multiple times from now on.

Sorry, I know it seems like I'm getting on to you, but I'm just picky about things like that.

I took care of the dups.
I wanted this to be a poll...what happened?

I could have written this post. I'm female, 25, and I literally have 1 person in my life, my husband. In my teens, people laughed at me because I had no care for my personal appearance, and females in general seem to place a lot of emphasis on this. I've never been able to understand what they find interesting, either. I am not interested in children at all. I'm not interested in gossip or talking about other people - I try to emulate this and it has gotten me into trouble but honestly I feel no joy, no nothing when I do it. I just don't get it at all. I find it easier to talk to men - then I can have an easier conversation about interests, of which I have plenty. But I have no friends. The last two I had bailed on me because I failed to thank them enough for teaching me to drive, even though I thought I had been appropriate. To this day I still don't understand what happened there.

It's only very recently that I self-diagnosed - and I am having the feeling that it is just too late now for it to make any difference. I've learned all I can about human interaction. I find the best place to interact is online but I struggle here too - a lot of it has become social, like Facebook, not interests related, like the BB's I used to hang out at.

I understand about spending time inside. I either write stories (which in itself is an exercise at decoding human behavior) or I watch TV, play video games, read comics, whatever I can get my hands on really. I find it less isolating to be alone then to be in a room of people - but unfortunately I have to work to pay the bills and this is where all of my problems seem to arise.

Maybe you need to rephrase your questions in terms of what needs you have to feel fulfilled, rather than expectations of some kind of "normality" that you are trying to fit into. In terms of your questions 1) I have had periods where I have felt completely accepted socially, although I have very few lifelong friends and an extremely small social circle; 2) about 0% are completely socially integrated, because that is one of the fundamental definitions of AS; 3) maintaining links with family, having a job / hobby / special interest and the opportunity to interact with others around those interests.

At the moment I am not socially fulfilled (i.e. I feel that I am isolated), but I have previously been lucky enough to hold a job for many years that was precisely my special interest (numerical analysis) where I could interact positively with colleagues.

I have a bit of a social life, but fully social? No.

Even high-functioning people with AS likely don't "fully" integrate socially. They might do as I do and push themselves to remain connected socially, but probably simply prefer to spend most of the time alone.

Me? Always wanted to be more connected, but was reclusive because of how bad it normally went. A lot depended on people treating me as if they honestly wanted me to come to their events. Once I learned about AS, I realized I had to make the effort to try because I was naturally inclined to shut everyone else out.

Lots of trial and error in the process.

I have managed to have a social life for all my life, pretty much. In fact, that actually caused my diagnosis to be delayed eleven years. My mom originally suspected I had it when I was seven, but since I didn't have trouble maintaining friendships, among other things, she thought it must be something else.

When I did get diagnosed, the psychologist said I had compensated for a lot of symptoms through my "superior processing abilities", which basically means that the parts of my brain that are awesome make up for the parts that are less-than-stellar. I've noticed that as I've grown older, a lot of my symptoms (like giving long lectures to someone uninterested or my lack of gesturing) have lessened, so this explanation makes sense to me.

It's not wrong to like being by yourself. The best treatment is self-understanding and self-acceptance. You don't suffer from asperger's, you suffer from other people.


Loosely quoted from Dr. Tony Attwood.


That said. don't give up. There is also value to having people around to do things with. It can be a real benefit to have some allies.
Get yourself a social thinking book. There is a sequence to making a better friend. I got "socially curious and curiously social" and found it very enlightening. At 25, I feel like I'm around 8 years behind in my maturity, strictly due to my choice not to even TRY to participate in friendship building.

Last edited by eon on 30 Aug 2010, 11:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

I've tried for over 40 years and I'm done trying.

~Kate

1) Who here has been able to have a successful, integrated, fulfilling socially life?

I'm happy with mine. I have no idea, nor am I really concerned whether anyone else considers it successful, or integrated. It's fulfilling for me, but I don't socialize all that much. I prefer a lot of alone time.

2) What percent of ASers would you speculate?

I wouldn't speculate on this, because it seems to me to be something like speculating on the exact size of an invisible cloud. It's not that I don't want to answer your question. It's that I really can't, because this is what it's like for me thinking about it.

3) How have you been able to do so (if possible...step by step).

Well, as I said, I don't socialize that much, so how I "deal" with it is to limit the amount of social activities. I screen phone calls, answer only emails that are important to me, keep my IM contacts to a minimum and ask that anyone who can, call before they drop by so I know they are coming (with a few family exceptions). If I have to be involved in a social event, I make sure it's planned well in advance (it's amazing how many things we think we HAVE to participate in, but don't really have to at all), so at least I know what's coming. If I choose to be involved in one, the same thing applies. Either way, I spend some time imagining being there, and whether there might be anyone there expecting certain interactions directly with me. I try to imagine what they'll want to talk about, and what I might say. I also try to remain aware of the likelihood of running into others unexpectedly. I don't worry too much about that since most people I've encountered unexpectedly are usually just as unprepared for it as I am, and often don't know what to say anyway. People who ask a lot of questions aren't hard for me to deal with. I'm pretty good at answering. But I suck at asking questions, so if they do to, we are usually both a little uncomfortable and looking for a "way out." Most of this stuff took me many years to figure out.

I'm 31 and pretty much only socialize online, which is fine with me. I live with my wife and three children so I see them everyday but outside of that I hardly see anyone except my mum and youngest brother (who is most likely on the spectrum too)
Last weekend we went to a gay pride near us and I'm pretty sure that was the most comfortable I have ever felt surrounded by loads of people. lately I have found myself mixing with lots of people due to things going on and have felt as though it builds up and I need time out and alone quicker than if I'm just spending my time alone or with my wife and children.

I find it easier now to go to places where lots of people are now like the cinema or a restaurant as long as I have a focus, same goes for supermarkets. Then I can forget the mass of everything that's going on around me. If I have to go the supermarket and chat to my little boy while walking round I barely notice the surroundings and therefore it's much easier to manage. Alone I'm quickly overwhelmed and frustrated.

I have managed to have a social life since I started school. Different friends at different times and not that many, but still some sort of social life.
My currect social life isn't the most active in the world, but I do see friends once/twice every few weeks or so.
Many aspies I know have friends, even the really severe one has a few friends of their own. I guess the ones I know are lucky.

I am not what you would call "socially integrated", but I've found my social niche with a number of people on the spectrum, atypical NTs, or NTs who have experience with people on the spectrum. I've found them from either online groups on the website Meetup.com, through going to autism-related events/groups, meet-ups on online forums, or through school.
Even though I have acquired this social circle, whenever I become exposed to "typical" people, I once again feel dysfunctional and completely out of place.

I am married. So obviously I socially figured that out.

But when it comes to manking friends of the same gender, I have never figured that out. I am 41 and have never had a friend of the same gender. The whole thing just confuses me. I'd like one.