Did getting married reduce your Asperger's 1% or so?

Page 1 of 2 [ 28 posts ] Go to page 1, 2 Next

pgd
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 16 Jul 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,624

30 Aug 2010, 1:26 pm

Some persons have described marriage as a way to change shape, for example:

Two potatoes are two potatoes before marriage but after marriage (the process of being cut into different pieces, salted, and boiled) become mashed potatoes (metamorphosis).

Two rough edged persons develop smoother edges after being married as some aspects of their personalities are smoothed out a little by what might be a kind of fine sandpaper method of polishing (normal human interaction).

Experiences?

So did getting married reduce your Asperger's a little (1% or so) or did marriage have absolutely zero effect on your Asperger's?

buryuntime
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Dec 2008
Age: 86
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,662

30 Aug 2010, 1:31 pm

I don't see how a 1% change would even be noticeable. I could see it going two ways-- having someone presumably living with you and understanding you making it easier to socialize, or two, causing more stress which furthers "autistic behaviour".

MrXxx
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 May 2010
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,760
Location: New England

30 Aug 2010, 1:38 pm

Nope.

Have I changed? Of course! But I would have changed whether married or not. Marriage didn't change my Asperger's at all. I just grew, but it's still there same as it always has been.

_________________
I'm not likely to be around much longer. As before when I first signed up here years ago, I'm finding that after a long hiatus, and after only a few days back on here, I'm spending way too much time here again already. So I'm requesting my account be locked, banned or whatever. It's just time. Until then, well, I dunno...

FJP
Sea Gull

Joined: 1 Jul 2010
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 228
Location: Northern Michigan

30 Aug 2010, 1:54 pm

We've been together so long its really hard to tell. My wife knows what causes my anxiety, and she helps me with those things. She can see if I might have a meltdown coming and can (sometimes) steer me out of the situation. The AS is still there, I don't think its more or less. With her around it may be less noticable.
For example if I start to talk about a technical topic too much for the crowd we're with. My wife will quietly let me know that its time to change the subject.

Willard
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Age: 65
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,647

30 Aug 2010, 1:56 pm

...

Last edited by Willard on 01 Sep 2010, 11:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MrXxx
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 May 2010
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,760
Location: New England

30 Aug 2010, 2:01 pm

Willard wrote:

Reduce my AS? Not in the slightest. Made it a thousand times worse.

It made me more irritable, confined and put upon.

I felt constantly responsible for the emotional well being of another person and at fault if they were not happy.

I was made to feel obligated to subvert all of my own interests to those of the other individual, to the point that I eventually lost contact with who I was as a person - my beliefs, my personality, all the topics of fascination I'd ever held dear - all took a backseat to the other person's whims.

I was made to feel guilty if any part of who I was displeased or annoyed the other individual in any way whatsoever. If I held a thought, a position, a belief or a behavior of which they did not approve, I was expected to change and berated for every passing day that I did not at least pretend to have changed.

My partner was always the biggest source of anxiety in my life.

And that's not one specific partner. I've been married three times and had two other long term live-ins, and it was always like that. Hoo-yah, marriage is a regular picnic. :roll:

Awe c'mon! Don't hold back Willard. Tell us how you really feel! :lol:

Not sure why I forgot, but I was married once before, and for that one, what you say here I have to give a big fat ditto! Oh, wait. Now that I think of it, that IS the reason I forgot! :lol:

Last edited by MrXxx on 30 Aug 2010, 2:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

TeaEarlGreyHot
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Jul 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 28,982
Location: California

30 Aug 2010, 2:01 pm

Marriage hasn't changed me. I'm still me... just with a husband to go along with it.

Now, having children has changed me drastically.

_________________
Still looking for that blue jean baby queen, prettiest girl I've ever seen.

Autumnsteps
Velociraptor

Joined: 13 Feb 2010
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 460
Location: Uk

30 Aug 2010, 2:05 pm

I think it depends more on the person your with than whether you are married or not. My children's dad made me a hundred times worse whereas my wife makes life easier for me. She takes the time to try and understand me and always be calm and placid (though I'm sure sometimes she doesn't feel like doing so!) Being with her makes it easier for me to go out even if it's just to the supermarket

j0sh
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 18 Nov 2008
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,191
Location: Tampa, Florida

30 Aug 2010, 2:09 pm

Willard wrote:

I wouldn't believe this if I hadn't seen all of the above in movies (yeah, not much real relationship experience here). I think the standard entertainment that acts like social programming for the spongy-neuro-types results in impossible expectations being absorbed.

nemorosa
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 5 Aug 2010
Age: 52
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,121
Location: Amongst the leaves.

30 Aug 2010, 3:03 pm

I know this isn't quite the answer to the question that was asked, but...

Just why would an aspie get married? It seems like a very NT thing to do, as when you think about it marriage serves absolutely no purpose at all and is just another of those weird social conventions.

My partner and myself have been together for 17 plus years and have never had the slightest inclination to get married. Why would we? How could that change anything.

A better question would be, does sharing your life in the long term with someone have any effect. For myself, I've been with someone so long that I cannot really say whether it has had any effect on my (self diagnosed) Aspergers symptoms. I'm sure I've certainly changed and adapted in that time but would I have done so any way?

TeaEarlGreyHot
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Jul 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 28,982
Location: California

30 Aug 2010, 3:08 pm

nemorosa wrote:

Marriage is a legal contract that affords you with many legal rights you cannot get any other way. Personally, my husband and I got married because I am unable to hold down a job that has decent health coverage. We both wanted our children to have the best we could offer them, and that happened to be his benefits. We had to be married for the children to be added.

_________________
Still looking for that blue jean baby queen, prettiest girl I've ever seen.

buryuntime
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Dec 2008
Age: 86
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,662

30 Aug 2010, 3:18 pm

nemorosa wrote:

It's for legal reasons. You don't have to have a huge wedding to get married. I don't think you even had to have a wedding.

nemorosa
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 5 Aug 2010
Age: 52
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,121
Location: Amongst the leaves.

30 Aug 2010, 3:23 pm

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:

nemorosa wrote:

Well, that would make sense from a practical point of view. Many of the legal rights will of course vary according to where you are. Where I am, for my partner and children there really is no incentive to go through with something that has never made any sense at all to me.

I guess what I was getting at was "what benefit does marriage bring to a relationship?". as the majority of society seem to confer on it a higher value than simply living together.

Shadwell
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 2 Dec 2009
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 568
Location: St. Louis, Missouri

30 Aug 2010, 3:30 pm

Well, my wife socialized me quite a bit.

TeaEarlGreyHot
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Jul 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 28,982
Location: California

30 Aug 2010, 3:56 pm

nemorosa wrote:

I guess what I was getting at was "what benefit does marriage bring to a relationship?". as the majority of society seem to confer on it a higher value than simply living together.

Ah, well, that would be a better point. I'm not sure what it provides for another couple, but it didn't really provide anything for us that simply living together hadn't already. (Legalities aside, of course)

I do know much of society believes a family is more stable if the couple is married. In some ways, I guess I can see how that would happen. Divorce is expensive, and that could lead some to try and work it out rather then separating 'on a whim'. Not that I think unmarried couples would just separate like that. Many seem to, though.

In the end, I suppose the whole thing makes as much sense to me as it does you. lol

_________________
Still looking for that blue jean baby queen, prettiest girl I've ever seen.

mgran
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 22 May 2009
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,864

30 Aug 2010, 3:59 pm

My first marriage was to another aspie, and though we shared many special interests, and were "on paper" a perfect match, we made each other a thousand times worse.

My second marriage to an NT was lovely. He made me much better.

Page 1 of 2 [ 28 posts ] Go to page 1, 2 Next

Jump to:

Did getting married reduce your Asperger's 1% or so? Post Reply New Topic

Did getting married reduce your Asperger's 1% or so?