"Look for the Best in People"- very dangerous ment

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First of all, I think you should only look for the best in people when they're willing to show it to you.

Second of all, I think doing it regardless is actually very dangerous for us....and also destroyed my mom as well.

Society preaches that overall most people are basically good, decent people.

Well, consider how we're treated generally by society.

I think my Mom got this understanding--and for a while, I'd had it too: "no matter what I do, it doesn't work out, and these are good people. If it never seems to be working out with these good people, maybe I'm the one who's screwed up. Maybe I'm not all that great after all, and don't deserve their attention."

As I've come to learn, society is based on lies, myths, and urban legends, and they're more than happy to sweep things "under the rug" for each other and accept pretty bad personality flaws from each other, as long as they can all socialize acceptably.

that doesn't make them better than us; in my mind it makes 'em a helluva lot worse.

It sets up--for us--a level of expectation that they will never live up to, and in most cases not only not live up to, but not even get in the same ballpark as. Basically, we'll end up feeling disappointed, discouraged, and betrayed.

Generally, I no longer have that mentality, and I'm think I'm better for it.

I wanted to share that with everyone, as I was thinking about it while talking to my Dad about my Mom last night.

I thought you all should hear it.

character discernment is a key skill to learn. i am still trying to learn it myself. but it will save your life.

the thing I think you're missing here is that even when someone seems to have good character, they could just be hiding something. That seems to be the majority of the cases I've noticed.

Either they're hiding something, or they're honest about it.

I've seen little else to be fair.

one has to wait for an autopsy to see whether anything good was inside a person.

like I say: "look for the best only if they're willing to show it to you"


In my mind, the whole idea is just a way to avoid discriminating between people; almost a predecessor to political correctness if you will.

Maybe the intention was good...maybe.

As my Dad likes to say "if a theory fails in practice, it failed on paper first".

'Look for the best in people'

I would say it means looking at another's good qualities, praising the good that they do, helping them to bring out their best, and not simply focusing on their flaws and negative aspects, and seeing them as a 'bad' person.

That does not mean to say that we should not protect ourselves from potential harm.

This is the key. Expectation usually leads to suffering; accepting and dealing skilfully with whatever people bring to us will not. People are bound to dissapoint, discourage, betray; dissatisfy in other words. That's the nature of all things in this world (dukkha).

part of character discernment is knowing when somebody is hiding something from you.

I'm pretty much under the belief that everyone tries to hide something or other from everyone else. Of course, everyone else can figure it out since their brains generally work the same. We can't, though.

Moog, my problem is that society seems to emphasize looking at those "positives" over the negative, even when the negative far outweighs the positive. Oh, I'm sorry...well, they do it, except for us.

Why would that be, you may be wondering? Cause I don't think the true intentions of that idea are legit.

People are always people. Part good, part bad. Everyone is hiding stuff, all the time.
But its wrong if it leads you to generalise and conclude that people are bad. Are we not people? And if people are bad, what does that say about us?

Who is really willing to look in the mirror and say outright that 'I am bad'? I dont think many of us would do that, yet we want to stick exactly that label on 'people in general'
I fell for that trap. Until someone told me exactly this.

And another thing. Never attribute to badness something that can be adequately explained by weakness or stupidity.

I am not bad. Neither am I good. I am in between. Often weak and often stupid. Just like almost everyone.

I will confess I may have not entirely explained my point well:

people are often willing to overlook instances where those close to them do something hurtful to them, and let things go in the long run....even if the instance is something very questionable regarding why someone would even let it go.

I'm guessing my Mom saw people being forgiven by presumably good people for the horrible things they'd done, while she was always "tossed aside", and came to conclude that she herself wasn't good, and deserving of happiness.

Expectations!! ! When do we feel disappointment or happiness? When we wanted or expected something? Is it possible to want or expect nothing and let come what may, every minute of the day? No way, but I do think it is the goal. Why live this life if the goal is not to figure it out?

But when I have a good or bad run and think I have it, some auto correction mechanism in the universe attacks me. If I put up my shield and ask for nothing, expect nothing, secretly believe everyone is awful---freakish sweetness leaks out of the dark evil world. Same thing happens when I'm walking around without a shield, secretly believing in people are good--- freakish evil for evils sake bombards me.

Expectations expectations...rid myself of any? stay completely open to every person and experience? Again, I guess it is the goal but hard to stay forever in the middle...operate without a definition.

Last edited by alone on 08 Sep 2010, 7:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

With you on this one. Since one cannot really know anther's character/motive/intent, better to focus on doing our own best, not relying upon the unknown element of another being.

Human beings are veritable slot machines with no real pattern; never bank on uncertainty. This means to be as autonomous as possible while appreciating the nice beings that are surrounding. They do exist. And, never be too revealing - those slot machines can take advantage if you let them.

I wish there was a way to gauge their mood (?). If only NTs all came equipped with mood rings...dang.

I have put that badly. I must revise what I wrote there, because I think I've written an untruth. We always want something. Even Buddhists have the goal of bringing an end to suffering. Goals are fine; expectations are okay too. As humans, we all make predictions about how the future may or may pan out. I think we tend to fixate on overly optimistic or over negative expectations, depending on our psychological make up.

I think what I really wanted to say is that the problem is when expectations are not met, or are not realistic. There really is nothing wrong with expectations, as long as they are realistic, and if our expectations are not met, then we adjust them to be more in line with reality, or suffer because the world isn't the way we want it to be.

Basically, expecting people to be all sugar and light is not realistic. Better to accept the reality of people doing negative things, and learning to respond well when we encounter it.



That's very interesting, I tend to experience the opposite.

I like what you say about what occurs when you think you 'have it'; thinking we have it all worked out. I feel that's the universe keeping us on our toes, not letting us rest on our laurels.



Expect the unexpected. Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition.

That's what I do. It pays off a lot in the end, as well. I also like to show people my best, as well.

while i agree with what i think you are saying, i was not being entirely serious.
i was alluding to the possibility of them having healthy organs that can be harvested and used for transplants. the joke being that it is a literal interpretation of what people can truly give selflessly to others.



i do not really care much if people have "niceness" in them or not. i do not know what it means in a way.
what is "nice" really?.

it is possible that mother teresa's motive was purely to obtain gratitude. maybe she had an addiction to being thanked and lauded and knew how to achieve it in a very convincing way.

maybe she did have true concern for the people she helped. i would not ever be able to know for sure.
some may say "well she went without and placed herself in hardship, so that proves she was selfless".
but miners for example go without their families and work in unbearable conditions for most of the year to get money. they want the money than they want the luxuries. maybe she was the same with gratitude.

maybe people who are touted as hero's after they rescue an old lady from a burning house did it only for the public appreciation and for the celebration of their deeds. being hoisted onto the shoulders of the grateful masses who cheer and hold him in the highest esteem, and the presentation of a shiny medal may be the prize they truly seek.

sometimes when i hear "hero's" recount their deeds, they start to get choked up as they say things like "well i saw that i could have lost my life but i...i...ya know? i just couldn't errr...excuse me....i just couldn't give up on em ya know?". it seems like they are getting choked with pride and self admiration thinking of their heroic effort sometimes. if the victim is now safe and the emergency is over, then what is the reason they have to choke off tears?

i have imagined 2 burly men who arrive at the scene prepared to rescue the old lady punching each other out of the way so they can be the first to rescue the victim.

a few months ago i saw on TV a funeral for a young man who was killed in a car crash while road racing. he was obviously wildly popular and there was about 2 hundred young people (mainly girls) at the funeral all sobbing. i saw people hugging and i focused on a few people. it was a warm day and the girls were mainly in short dresses and were wearing sleeveless tank tops, and some young men were eager to hug them and console them. while they were hugging, the youths rubbed their hands up and down the girls arms, and their expression seemed to drop off their face when their faces were no longer able to be seen (as you can not see a persons face during a hug). i noticed that they seemed to grip the girls arms and rub and feel like it was the only chance they would ever have of getting a "feel". i happened to tape that episode of the news, and so i watched it a few times and saw many young teen males seeming to line up waiting for the chance to get their hands on the girls.

maybe i am so out of tune with people that i saw what was not there, but it seemed to me that they were all enjoying the chance to get to feel the girls skin because they rubbed their hands as much as they could on the girls. but they put it across as if they were being supportive and sharing in grief.

i do not connect with people at all, and as long as people do not interfere with my life, they can be as they please.

i am sure that some people are genuinely nice, but i can never be sure who is nice or not.
i just like to get my dealings done with people and get back home to be alone and to play my games and attend to my personal interests.

i hope that does not sound too cynical. i am not bitter and i do like people, but not because i think they are nice. there are some people i think that are nice, but they are few and far between.
mainly i like the people i like because i can have fun with them. it does not extend further than that.

I think, sayings like this.... it's like, whatever quality they are talking about, there's a happy medium. Like, on one end, not seeing the good in others, the other end, always seeing others as good, and somewhere in between is the right place to be.

And, for some people, a saying like "Look for the best in people", it draws them to that middle. The people who don't see the good in others, it's a reminder to see that good side.

Others of us, though, are plenty good at seeing the good in others, and what we more need is a warning to be more skeptical.