Help with relating to my friend.

Post Reply New Topic

I'm in a pickle.

The guy I'm living with is either Aspie or narcissistic, and I have no idea which.

He has many of the attributes of people with Asperger's, as well as the traits of narcisissim. He has a sarcastic sense of humour, enjoys sarcasm and wit, and generally gets a kick when people are intimidated by him, or when he can manipulate them. As I understand it these are not traits common to Aspies. As I understand it the two diagnosis are often confused.

I have searched all over the web trying to figure this out, so that I know how to relate to him (or even communicate with him). He will not get diagnosed professionally, and is self-diagnosed. I question whether a person can be both Aspie and a narcissist. If its the former I would want to have more patience with him (though trying to help him, or communicate, has turned into something I will need help with). If he's a narcissist I need to get as far away from him as I can.

I came here for help, since this is a forum deaing with Asperger's and I figured the best people to ask would be those who know this topic the best.

Thanks ahead of time.

Cordella

Work on communication. Don't try "helping" him; at least not in the "try and change" meaning.

IF he's Aspie (otherwise ignore this):

If you want to help, offer invitations to social events, but don't pressure him. And if you notice he "screws up" at said social events, detail specifics of his mistakes and present them to him later on - provided you first ask if he wants to hear them. State as data, not as suggestions.

As for communication, it comes down to knowing that in some cases you will notice he responds in a voice or action or body posture that you find abnormal. You'll need to keep in mind the fact that he may not have had the same "body language telling him he's acting wrong" feedback that, for most people his age, has automatically taught them social "do's and dont's" ... and noone has told him outright what those social mistakes are, because they all thought he was either a jerk or immature... or they wanted to be excessively polite or extremely abusive to him as a result (high stress situations = defensive reaction = no learning)... ... ... So, again, AFTER the fact, point out mistakes he didn't catch by reading body language & vocal cues.

Quick questions:
Is he more likely to forget personal hygene some days? or is he immaculate?
Does he have a high opinion of himself? or does he admit to errors in his activity?
When he talks excessively, is the goal self promotion, or to impart information on "exciting (to him)" topics?

Hi.

He doesn't like social events. He wouldn't go if I asked him. He's very snarky about going, and snarky about other people, often. When he is around other people the only issue he has is with communication - he doesn't read signals/body language well, talks over others and forces himself into conversations, and does not listen to others. I told him, yesterday, when he was complaining, that perhaps he may want to work on learning to communicate better and he blew up and insisted he communicates just fine. This is false, but I dropped it. I often drop topics with him which make him blow-out.

His actions, when he speaks, are not "odd" per se, but rather dramatic. He uses his hands a lot in gesturing, and I never thought of that as odd. Some people do that. He does appear awkward in his body - like a gangly colt.

He does go on and on and on about subjects interesting to him, however, when he does its often for self-promotion, or all-about-him, or "knowing it all" (about everything, not just his certain topics, which are generally computer games and doesn't bother me). He intellectualizes and over-analyzes everything to death. He really doesn't "get" other people on the one hand, and on the other he really has the fine art of sarcasm and dry wit down to a tea, as well as manipulation of others.

You see, this is why I get so confused. He really does show traits of both diagnosis. And from my past experience narcissists are dangerous and to be avoided at all costs.

Answers:

1) He is likely to forget personal hygene sometimes, other times he's in the shower several times a day. He doesn't necessarily care about his appearance, or how he appears to others, or their opinion of him.
2) He vaccilates on his opinion of himself. Oft'times he's running about doing nothing but talking about how much better he is than most people - but I know inside he has no self-worth and is very insecure. He is quick to admit errors (and apologize) only when he's caught and forced to, or has to take consequences for them - but he doesn't change his behaviour at all, or very limited, afterwards.
3) I think I answered above.

Maybe he is an Aspie that just refuses to be broken down.

He might be an aspie. He sounds annoying as hell too.