Dad has Aspergers, How can I connect with him? Help.

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I am quite certain that my father has Aspergers, he hasn't been diagnosed.

I am struggling to figure out ways in which I can bond with him. So often he is wrapped up in his work, and seems like he is in his own world. I love him and I want to be a part of his world and understand it better.

How can I communicate with him better?
How can I bond with him?

Also, I have been trying to find books on this issue, but haven't had much success. Any source of information on how to understand a parent with Aspergers would be greatly appreciated.

Any suggestions would be great. I am new to this website. Thanks!

Maybe talk about an interest that he has. Most of us have obsessions that we can't stop talking about. If you can find any valuable information from those conversations, use it to better the relationship. For example, give him a gift pertaining to that obsession or. if you can persuade him, travel to a place relevant to the topic.

If he doesn't show any feelings back. Don't feel bad. Most of us do have emotional attachment but just aren't very adept at showing it.

If he really did have AS, and you asked him about his interest, he'd likely be more than willing to take the time to share it with you.

If he doesn't really care to share it, he might actually have something other than AS.

It's entirely possible he doesn't reach out to you because he just doesn't think you're interested though.

You have not said if he knows you think he has Aspergers. Or if he agrees if he does.

He has to have some insight and desire to recognise the communication problems as well.
It cant just be what you can do.

Well, first of all, you don't know he has AS; but it doesn't particularly matter in the specific area of your communicating with him. I'm going to assume he has an AS-type style of communication--not using a lot of emotional interaction or body language, not spending long periods of time with other people (especially in large groups), and not "reading" your feelings in your face and body, right? If that's not the case, then this mightn't apply.

But with AS/autistic people, the big things to watch are words and actions. Words are a great deal more concrete, and most of the time we mean exactly what we say, with very little subtext, and sometimes unaware of connotations of words too. It's a very literal style of communication that often uses very precise words to communicate precise concepts, where a non-autistic person would instead use pitch/tempo/body-language to communicate with the same precision. Second: Actions. I'm not talking about gestures and physical contact; more like what people do with and for each other. An autistic person trying to help a grieving friend would be quite likely to do things for that person, like bringing food or helping them do chores. If a friend is in trouble, our first impulse is often to try to solve the problem, rather than necessarily trying to comfort the person. And you have to remember that the actions in question should be evaluated from his perspective, not yours. He can't read your mind; so what he thinks is helpful could be useful, or it might not be. If he's AS, he won't be completely in tune with other people, and will have to use his best logical judgment to determine what might be beneficial to them; so he might make mistakes. I think intentions are important here--if he intended to help and ended up embarrassing you instead (actually, that's universal with parents in general, isn't it?), then judge him by what he meant to do, not how things actually ended up.

Best way to communicate with an Aspie is often words, written or spoken, and definitely best done when the Aspie in question isn't preoccupied or stressed out. (True for anybody; more so for Aspies.) If things keep getting confused in conversations, try writing an e-mail or a letter instead.

Remember a couple of things:
The presence of a human can cause pain.
The world actually looks and sounds different to him.
You can probably trust his words over your NT guesses about his feelings; if he sobs out "I'm happy" while tears are streaming down his face, believe him.
Don't be a threat.
It may be that he doesn't realize you don't know how he feels.

Do you have Aspergers?
Both of my parents do, and I bond with my dad by playing guitar with him. I also fish with him sometimes. Do what he likes to do.
Well, do what you like to do too, not like I'm saying "only do what he likes doing!"

Thanks for everyone's response! This is a great website.

I don't have Aspergers,, I suspect my dad does. Many of the signs and symptoms match my dad perfectly. I haven't told him that I think he has it, because I don't think he would take it very well. It is hard to tell a 53 yr old man that you suspect he may have a neurological disorder.

He is very interested in US History and politics. The Civil war fascinates him, He is obsessed with Yellowstone national park. And also loves baseball. So I think I may talk to him about these interests, maybe plan activities that go with those topics. That way at least we are connecting in some way.

Thank you so much for all your suggestions! It gives me some great insight into how to connect with someone with aspergers!

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt137929.html Maybe you could show him this! *shameless*

Hmm it seems like you're focusing too much on your suspicion that he has aspergers, and trying to figure out a way to deal with this supposed aspergers, rather than simply viewing him as a person and attempting to approach him in the same way you would with anyone else.

Ultimately the way you get closer to anyone is the same. You take an interest in what they are interested in. Every human being enjoys having others share their interest, and a child sharing a parent's interest is of course even more pleasant. Aspergers need not even come into it.

First and foremost, he isn't "some guy with a disorder", he's your dad. The fact that he has done well enough in life that he's been able to have children at all should show you that you can have a little more confidence in his ability to connect with others. You don't need to mistrust him so much that you go looking for labels to categorize him as "weird" behind his back. For all you know, you could be the one who's disordered for not knowing how to approach him.

Really, the sum of the advice you've received in this thread has been "take an interest in his interests"... You'd get the same advice from any normal person, about approaching any other normal person. The existence of an autistic disorder seems to have no relation at all to the advice which the above posters have given, and it only seems like especially qualified advice to you because you've convinced yourself that your dad's disordered, and that similarly disordered people must nevessarily hold the key to reaching him, making their completely normal advice appear more special. As I said, you'd get identical advice from an NT poster about how to approach an NT dad, so maybe your inability to understand how to reach him is more of a sign of your own disorder than it is of his!



I'm just kidding, it's quite normal to occasionally forget how someone should be approached, and require the right kind of encouragement to remember. Just as it's also quite common for people to be kliving in their own little worlds. That's not a mark of a disorder, and neither is the ability to fit into some arbitrary categories which doctors have made up to justify their continued paychecks.

My 2 cents.

I find it odd that NTs wonder how to "connect" with autistic people. If you understand anything about AS/Autism it is that outside of the subjects "special interests" it's hard to get them interested or connected.

Hence, if you want to have more quality time with your dad, learn what his interests are and try to become interested in them as well. Some people with AS can make the effort to step outside their "comfort zone" but it is easier to connect with someone who shares a common interest than make the effort with someone whose interests are utterly alien.

I'll give you an example. In a motorcycle group I associate with, I feel like an odd ball because hardly anyone in the group has the same interests as I do. Yeah, we're into bikes, but most of the membership is into racing where I just enjoy riding. We're all professing Christians, so we have that in common as well, but those factors have not enabled me to feel "closer" to any of them. The only reason I've not walked away from this group is because I know I need to make the effort to connect to others or I will become a total recluse.

In this group is a man named Bob. Bob is a gifted listener, and he explained to me that he enjoys hearing new and different ideas and opinions because even if he does not understand something, he desires to be exposed to new ideas. I love spending time with Bob because even if he has no clue what I'm talking about, he listens and shows interest in what I think. Where most everyone else thinks I'm strange and easily tunes me out, Bob makes me feel as if I'm the most important person on the planet...as if my thoughts and opinions on topics I'm interested in really matter to somebody other than myself. When I socialize with most NTs, I don't get anything like that because if they aren't interested in my fields of interest, they really don't want to talk about them.

Likewise, I don't know how far your Dad can reach to you, but if you can get into his areas of interest, you'll have more to communicate with him, and hopefully, as that provides a medium for dialogue, other issues can be expressed more easily.