Confrontation: walk away or join in the fight?

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What do you do when someone decides to start an argument with you about you? There are some people I'm not especially fond of myself, but I tend to think arguing with these people aren't worth it, so depending on whether that person is an "equal" (e.g., peers, colleagues) or an authority over me (e.g., supervisor, policeman, judge), I tend to say something sarcastic and walk away or shut up completely, which incidentally has earned me the passive-aggressive award of the year.

What should you do? I know in a "healthy" relationship you should be less confrontational and try to work things out with people you have to put up with, but when someone I've so far had a polite/civil relationship with suddenly explodes and points out everything that's wrong with me, any desire to be apologetic for my, uh, idiosyncracies is gone completely. Still, in an attempt to be a more acceptable human being, I'd like to change my natural tendencies and do what I'm supposed to do.

So, does anyone the acceptable things to do in this situation?

Would defending yourself in this situation help you, or just keep the focus upon you and fuel the arguement?

There's no way you can win here, or anything worth winning for that matter. Just walk away

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It takes two persons to fight in a boxing ring. If one walks out, there is no fight.

Walking away is the most predictable way to keep a level of harmony and to avoid escalation (my view).

Last edited by pgd on 17 Sep 2010, 11:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It depends on what the argument was about. I can walk away from it or stand there and fight and do comebacks just to hear their reactions and see what they say. Plus I hate hypocrisy so I call it out. I have the "Why is it okay for you do to it and not me" attitude and the "it's not fair."

In high school, kids were saying I was rude and I don't care about others so I told them when I did care, they told me to mind my own business so I learned they wanted me to ignore them and pretend I don't notice them. Guess what they told me? "Just drop it" and my mom said that was because they knew I was right so what else could they say?

Also another time when they said I was disrespectful so i pointed out they are the ones who call teacher names behind their backs and other kids and that is disrespectful and they told me to also drop it. Mom told me the same thing as before.

I mean seriously if people have issues with what I do they do themselves, I will point it out to them. If I think of it then.

Depends a lot on the situation.

If I dont care about the accusing person or group I laugh and walk away, as I have no need to defend myself there, as I wont revisit them, or self image myself in that setting/group.

If say someone on WP dissed me unfairly, I would challenge and battle, if I felt they were incorrect or unfair.
If I have been wrong or unkind or whatever, I will apologise publicly.
If say poor behaviour was equal between myself and an accuser, I would briefly try to harmonise, or then walk away if I think incompatibility issues would persist between us, and conflict would always arise.

You cant please all of the people, all of the time.

If its not about me, sometimes I'm up for a good fight to defend another, and love seeing the bad guy go down, and the good guy survive the attack.

Generally an ugly disposition is its own reward, and I have no need to add to that persons problems

First thing, you give the relationship some time. People get angry and go overboard in verbiage, so you have to give things a chance to simmer down. Then, you see what tone the person you had the argument with and has said negative things about you has. Are they completely fed up and are no longer going to treat you with the respect you deserve, or are they mellow again and are trying to show that they want to be amicable, and are attempting to mend the relationship without humiliating groveling? If this is the case, there's hope. If they come right out and apologize profusely and emphatically, the polite thing to do is accept the apology...and hope it doesn't happen again.
Unfortunately, if they continue to be crass, you have to decide if it's worth putting up with or not.
I've had to break up relationships with individuals because of this very thing.
If you are willing to put up with it, that's another option. It all depends on you and what you expect out of people.

I usually just walk away, graciously as possible, from arguments that are based on ridicule and personal attacks. That kind of senselessness generally leaves me as speechless and dumbfounded as small talk and idle rumors do, maybe more so.

I don't handle conflicts as my emotions are extremely intense. If I begin to suspect that someone is being arrogant or disrespectful towards me I generally have to get outta there as quick as possible. Otherwise I might have a meltdown.

Sometimes when someone says something that insults me or rubs me the wrong way I just go silent and feel uneasy and shaky/clammy for a long time afterwards. Other times I've gone into a full blown meltdown where I scream obscenities, say the absolute worst things I can think of, shake my fists, throw things, and slam doors. I realize this is considered "inappropriate behavior" by most people, but there's a part of me that thinks all the jerks, bullies, and conceited people of this world need a shock every once in a while. The fact that I can't relate to them in any way makes my hatred all the more palatable.

It's not as simple as that. I wish it were but it's not.

I believe it all depends on what it's about and who it is you are fighting with. If you are in a "relationship" whether it's a friendship or romantic or whatever, communication is vital. Walking away and or not saying anything, is not always the best action, yet at other times, it is. There are a lot of things to consider.

Do you know exactly why this person did this?

Was this person hurt by something you said or did that you are not talking about or considering here?

Most of the time, communicating with each other helps to prevent fights from happening altogether.

Silence may be golden but it does absolutely nothing for relationships.

I think this is one of those ambiguous situations where the correct response could be either confrontation, retreat, or negotiation. Depends on who you are, who they are, and what the relationship is.

Either way, though, staying calm is a benefit. Even if you confront someone, staying calm makes you more effective.

The day is long, the labor to be done is great and life is too short to waste in arguing and fighting.

ruveyn

The reason I'm asking this is because my life has always lacked "drama," which I feel is a part of being alive, and since I've successfully avoided drama by being logical/reasonable or indifferent in situations where normal people would've gotten angry or really pissed (and rightly so), I thought maybe I should get emotional in public a lot more.

My thoughts exactly.

And I know communication is vital, the problem is I fall into the trap of not caring about 99% people I run into enough to want to communicate with them. Also, it's usually a case of they having a problem with me and not the other way around, and people seem to have this tendency to keep to themselves what they think about me and stay polite until they really can't take it anymore (look who's passive-aggressive now, huh?), and I just can't figure out what is it about me that would lead people to be that way with me.



Usually, it's just back to a polite relationship with incredibly forced smiles exchanged. It just occurred to me that I probably should follow up with an "I need to talk you about what happened" thing, but the problem is once someone does that to me I lose all respect for him/her/it and no longer care what he/she/it thinks about me. At all. And I don't forgive and forget either. I hold grudges like there's no tomorrow.

I used to go out of my way to avoid confutation. I would just agree with people or just stay away from them in general. But this one guy I met, was such a dick; he made fun of me and lyes about everything he said (which bothers me more than anything). I was tolerating him, like I normally do, but then he decided to steal my glasses when he left.

I was so pissed off. More than I'd ever been in my life. I dont know why, it was just a pair of glasses. (is what everyone told me) But I was still so mad. The next time I saw him I gave it to him. It was the first time I cursed openly in front of people. Mainly because I didn't even notice them at the time though.. I was pushing at him, yelling at him, hoping to start a fight so I could kick his ass... He kept lying about it, which made me even more mad.

In the, I eventually got my glasses back. And I still hate that kid more than ever.. And I haven't been afraid of confrontation since.

Good for you standing up for yourself and getting your glasses back! But dont be a hater.

Fight for your rights without attachment to winning or losing, if that makes sense....

Yes, and unfortunately some people only hear what they want to hear, if they are even listening at all.

Interesting, who is the "(look who's passive-aggressive now, huh?)" for?

I hope this isn't your idea of communitication with this person.

If it is, lets be honest, you should consider seeking help from a licensed Mental Health Professional.

It seems to me your problem is more complicated than what you have lead us to believe in this post.



Usually, it's just back to a polite relationship with incredibly forced smiles exchanged. It just occurred to me that I probably should follow up with an "I need to talk you about what happened" thing, but the problem is once someone does that to me I lose all respect for him/her/it and no longer care what he/she/it thinks about me. At all. And I don't forgive and forget either. I hold grudges like there's no tomorrow.[/quote]

I cannot force a smile to save my life. But yes. I have seen other's do it quite a bit.

If you do not care enough about this person in the first place to want to resolve the problems between the both of you, why didn't you just leave this person alone to begin with?

I hardly think you're the only one who doesn't forgive, forget and hold grudges until the end of time. I doubt that helps much, but hey, it's your life.

Good luck... I wish you all the best with this.

Last edited by Taupey on 18 Sep 2010, 6:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.

You said that very well Ruveyn.