Why can't I let go of this lingering doubt?(post-diagnosis)

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I was diagnosed this summer, by some of the countries finest experts, one neuropsychiatrist and one psychologist, both specialists. It cost a truckload of money which a family member kindly offered. They said I have AS, but that I have good social skills - because women typically do and because I'm compensating intellectually.

Anyway, even though there's no reason to question that these people know what they're doing, I can't stop doubting the diagnosis. I have this inner voice telling me it's all in my head and I should just snap out of it and behave. My biggest fear is that I don't actually have autism because then there really is no explanation for the hurt and the loneliness, nor is there anyone out there like me.

Did you experience anything similar after your diagnosis? I'm an obsessive doubter about anything major in life, I'll doubt people's feelings and intentions, my own feelings, my choices, my experiences. I'm always mauling over something. It's just I expected to be able to stop doubting whether I have autism once the experts had their say. And it did help, but I still can't let go. And I'm becoming a real drag to be around because I can't keep autism and my diagnosis out of conversations. I know people must be sick of hearing about it (i.e my husband and close family members), but if I open my mouth all my thoughts on it just seem to fall out, in no particular order.

I'm especially concerned that my husband's gonna figure he's had enough of my one-track mind and ditch me. I would have ditched me if I could. I'm no fun to be around anymore, I used to be able to block out my interests enough to talk about other things much more than I can now. I think if I could just get over the doubt, then this autism obsession might calm down to more manageable levels.

Does anyone have any perspectives to add? I'm so intrenched in my own perspective I think I'm missing the bigger picture.

edited for spelling and grammar

I'm the same way. I didn't accept my diagnosis for 15 years.

i have also been feeling the same way. as an adult of 39 ive been going to an adult group for aspies here thats pretty7 good. many people similar to me. reading tony atwoods book really brought it home. meaning, iot talked in detail about what it means or might mean to has aspergers as an adult who is mentally capable of learning to overcompensate for our weeknesses/and/or learn alternative ways to be "successful".

I can relate to this, slightly. I was also diagnosed this summer but still doubt it sometimes/somehow, not in a major way but still.. I think it's because us aspies need clear evidence and unfortunately they can't take a blood sample or something to tell if one has it. We'll have to live with that, learn more about it and maby try to trust ourselves/science?

Others who's been here longer can probably link to similar topics about doubt in this way or in general.

I was 12 when diagnosed and I have doubt my condition in my adulthood. I wondered if I was misdiagnosed but never put much thought into it. I didn't feel impaired enough and felt I didn't have the symptoms enough to be aspie.

I also thought the reason for my lack of eye contact is because I am shy and it makes me nervous to look at them.
The reason why I am not aware of people is because I don't look at them and I am in my own world too much. If I paid more attention, maybe I would actually notice people and read them and pick up on their feelings.
I was depressed in 6th grade because of the hard times I was going through then and I thought maybe it just effected my score when I got tested for it.
I had friends and the reason why I am not interested in having them is because I learned to be by myself when I was 12. I learned to play alone.
I choose to not be with people because they are boring.
I am shy so it keeps me from asking strangers for help or socializing. I am too paranoid what to say and offending anyone.
I was never a little professor and didn't start reading about my obsessions till I was 10.
I had friends my age till 4th grade and then it got hard to be with them because their interests changed
I am dating men now and they all accept me. I am out socializing.
I can deal with change and I am flexible.
As a child I did what was on my mind, played and I did whatever I felt like, no schedule I lived on.
I don't relate to other aspies.
I don't get crap from people.


I had these reasons to doubt my diagnoses but my therapist said I am just confusing myself when I think this way.
But I know I have it after I think of the other stuff. I probably have PDD-NOS but I was given the label of AS. Plus not all aspies are genesis and nerdy and good with math and into tech stuff and taking things apart and have the ability to fix things.
Hey in 2007 I used to whine about the label here because I was so stuck on it and I couldn't get it out of my head.

I've had doubts ever since my first online test, and they're still there even after my "definitive" diagnosis. The logical grounds for doubting are that it was a private diagnosis and it's entirely possible that I just found somebody who was prepared to give me the diagnosis I "wanted" and take the money - perhaps a NHS diagnosis would have been more convincing. The private diagnostician had a strong interest in autism so it could always be argued that her interest made her see autism in everybody. Also, by the time I went for the diagnosis, I was well aware of what the Aspie traits are, so for every question I was asked I knew what kind of answer was likely to give me a "point." Being a scientist, I'm very aware of the danger of concluding anything without a double-blind trial.

It would be different if Aspergers syndrome could be diagnosed objectively with a brain scan or genetic test, but currently the DX relies very heavily on self-assessment, so any skepticism is very difficult to refute.

I also had a motive for getting a positive DX - my employer was increasing the demands on me and I was in need of a piece of paper that would in effect say "if you don't ease the pressure off this guy, he might sue you and win." I was scared of what would happen if the diagnosis had been negative.

Like you, I get that horrible voice in my head that says "just pull yourself together and snap out of it," and though I believe it's very likely nothing more than an internalised version of the way many employers (and before that, parents and teachers) would like people to see themselves, I find it very difficult to just chuck out the concept.

Then there's the plethora of idiots I regularly hear about round here - people who just say "no you haven't" when an Aspie tells them of their condition. They're not diagnosticians and have no business expressing an opinion, but they do, and that makes me feel that the world is full of people who wouldn't believe me if I told them what I've got. Massive public opinion to the contrary of my beliefs is usually enough to sow the seeds of doubt in my mind.

So, I have no idea what you might do to let go of the doubts, but I hope that you'll feel better for knowing that those doubts don't mean that you're weird. I would think that any Aspie who is absolutely certain that they have the condition has taken a wrong turn in their thinking somewhere. All I can say in my own case is that the balance of probabilities is that I do have the condition, and although I find that unsatisfying to my black-and-white thinking, it will just have to do.

I never actually doubt the diagnosis itself, but when I talk to others, I hit these points of wondering "why is it so different when I do this or that, than when everybody else does?"

I hear a lot of people say "I do that too" when I describe something... in real life, I mean, and every once in a while that crops up... If my neighbor does every single thing I talk to her about from time to time, then why in the world am I the one with a diagnosis?

But... then it's confirmed when I mention something that confuses me to another friend and she just doesn't say anything at all-ignores it even and moves on, lol. She just doesn't know what to say.

I always saw the diagnosis for what it was, a word.

Of course that whole "Life long diagnosis" thing has made this word very annoying and very hard to shrug off. I think it's no small coincidence that I'm back in the town where the shrink who gave me the diagnosis practices, because I have considered dragging him into the streets and beathing him with woodscrews until he recants his decision.

I'm sorry to read that getting a diagnosis cost a lot of money.

I got a diagnosis for free ...

... and I feel that everyone should get a free diagnosis for whatever they have, especially in Europe where healthcare is supposed to be 'free'.

And I hate to say this but a lot of people don't agree with modern psychiatry and all its labels. A little while ago a lot of us would be labelled as anything from neurotic to hysteric to schizophrenic to just plain lazy, rude, introverted, etc etc etc. Who knows what the fashionable diagnoses will be 10 or 20 years hence?

It's good that you got a diagnosis, but it's as much use as an xray confirming that a bone is broken. It doesn't sound like you're getting any help as a result of the diagnosis, e.g. psychoanalysis and psychotherapy, with someone who specialises in the condition.

Thank you so much for your replies, it is very comforting to see other people obsess the way I do. Maybe it's harder when you're grown up, when you're little it might be just another natural property of your personality, like your eyes are a particular color.

I could have gotten a free diagnosis if I had been willing to wait a year or two. Lots of people want to be evaluated, but the focus is on kids (and so it should be), and there aren't enough specialists to go around. In Sweden they give you the full work-up, with interviews and Wechsler and differential for ADHD and neurological tests etc, so I can see why it takes them a while to get through the piles.

I do know where I want to be regarding the diagnosis. I want to work through the sadness I've repressed about what I can't have, decide to stop caring about being weird and not worrying about how my oddness will affect my career. Then I want to let go of trying to control other people's reactions and just be natural. I feel like a distorted version of the real me, (whatever that is) from pretending to be normal for so long.

I've trained myself so well I'm on autopilot, but except for with my closest family and my husband and kids, it's not genuine. But I'm not that child anymore, all these years have shaped my personality. So who am I without the pretense? And if it's automatic, how can I tell what's genuine and what's not?

Pardon me if I seem irrelevant now...I started this this morning when it would have been the first reply..then had to go back to bed and finished it later....also pardon the rambling....

Well..I am only "assessed" as having Asperger's....The assessment consisted of a fairly brief interview with an AS specialist at an AS center that dealt with children and adults on the spectrum. My assessment was FREE....(possibly a reason to question it's validity)...

Furthermore, the lady really confused me when she told me that I could basically treat the assessment as a diagnosis..as she had assessed hundreds of people, as that is her profession...and she said that if she had any doubt, then she would not tell me right out that she thought I had it, and would suggest that I have all the expensive testing done...But I had thought that an actual diagnosis would have to require a bunch of tests and paperwork....This assessment happened about a year and a half ago...I think....and I have wasted much mental energy going in circles over whether it really counts as a valid diagnosis..

I went to see a Psychiatrist...less than a year ago..in an effort to get some kind of meds to help with ADD/executive dysfunction, and he was young and inexperienced....He noted that I showed signs of "depression and anxiety"..I had told him about the assessment and he said that he more-or-less agreed with it...but said it did not count as an actual diagnosis...and checked off PDD-NOS....on this chart of a long list of disorders that was part of my paperwork..He was more reluctant to accept my claims of ADD symptoms....I had thought that the fact that i had been prescribed ADD meds in the past was evidence enough that I had been diagnosed with it....i brought along my old script bottle to show him....and he even gave me the line "well you seem to be paying attention to me right now"...even though I was squirming and fidgeting and not making eye contact....I told him that it was because I was "engaged" in the activity at hand.....the long and tedious preliminary interview...where he had to nit pick every single event that might have happened to me when I was young....

He said I'd probably need the $2-3000 testing to be sure if I really had ADD..and prescribed me Wellbutrin....(which makes me confused and crazy)...and said he's like to see how I might do on an anti-depressant....and we'd talk about it on my next visit (i never went back)

Sorry for the rambling..my point was that he agreed with the notion that I likely had an ASD.....but said my assessment was not a real diagnosis...and my diagnosis for ADD was not real because it was made by a GP...

I am about to go see another doctor who specializes in ADD...I really hope he is not like the last ADD doctor I saw years ago....who was frosty...and might have thought I was lying because I am weird and I don't make eye contact and one of my stims is touching my face.....
He said that he could often make a decision based on the (expensive) preliminary interview...but in my case, I would have to fill out the masses and masses of paperwork and my friends and family would have to also fill out these gigantic questionnaires about me...and then I would have to chunk down thousands of dollars for several hours of testing...not covered by insurance...and which I could not afford at the time....


sorry to ramble....I question my Asperger's assessment because it was free and it was simple. I do not doubt that I am most likely on the autistic spectum...(otherwise why would I have so many difficulties related to it and why would i have been on this board for so long?)
I often doubt that it is Asperger's (even though the AS specialist insisted)...and I still often figure I most likely have PDD-NOS/ADD...

I would be considered very atypical for an aspie...I have difficulty multitasking..but I am wired to WANT to multitask....and I have an multi-tracked mind and get hung up on thinking about and wanting to do too many different things at the same time...(though they might all be related to the same interest)


I KNOW I have ADD...despite all the difficulties I have had with doctors in the attempt to get a legitimate prescription for the incredibly useful meds that I am trying to get a prescription for..

poopy:

I recognize the part about multitasking

I'm always trying to do several things at once and end up doing nothing, or doing things in the reverse order, and putting stuff in the wrong place or forget why I went into the room. I really should try to do only one thing at the time, but unless that one thing is reading I'm all over the place. I used to think I was good at multi-tasking, but I can't even talk while I'm making coffee or I forget to put the water in.